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Looking up your partners ex on facebook

(12 Posts)
spicytomatojuice Mon 22-Dec-14 09:07:41

I wasn't even snooping around looking for her, we all share a mutual friend on there and she'd posted something on their page which I was able to see. I recognised the name and stupidly clicked, and her profile isn't private so I could see everything, all photos and posts.
They ended 5 years ago, no contact, no kids or anything. But she left him, and she is so beautiful. What was a little unerving is that she has similar features to me. Except she is way more stunning and slimmer. I know you can't tell what a person is truly like from fb but she seems so popular and funny and happy. I know he was seriously cut-up when she left, we became friends shortly after and he'd always said he'd never go through a relationship again (we got together two years later). I am feeling a little insecure now but I don't know why confused like I don't measure up I guess sad WHY did I look? Please tell me I'm not alone?

MerryMo Mon 22-Dec-14 09:15:36

FB always shows everyones good side or even the faker better side.

Everyone posts the better and nicer pics of themselves. I try to be careful to only post nice pics of my friends I tag too. Anyone looking at my FB account would think I am quite well polished etc - but would be dissapointed day to day!

It rarely shows peoples dull, boring, every day, negative, horrible side.

I suspect she has days when she looks as crap as the rest of us do.

It was years ago when they spit. At the time he hurt as most of us do when we come out of a relationship.

Look back at how you felt last time you split up/came out of a serious relationship. You hurt at the time??? How do you feel about that person now?

Don't worry. You sound like you have a good basis for a great relationship tbh. You were friends first.


flanjabelle Mon 22-Dec-14 09:17:46

This is about you, not her. At the end of the day, their relationship did not work. He is with you because he wants to be, no one is forcing him to. Is your confidence generally pretty low?

He obviously thinks you are stunning and all of those things and more, or he wouldn't be with you. Don't cause a problem where there isn't one.

Apophenia Mon 22-Dec-14 09:20:28

Facebook is for bragging - her bad photos aren't on there.

He's with you - he thinks you're stunning. smile

dirtybadger Mon 22-Dec-14 09:24:11

What flan says. She might be good looking, popular, happy and funny...but they split up. It didn't work. He's with you. You have positive qualities too! We also all have negative/annoying things about us. She's human, she will have those too. Honestly though it doesn't really matter what she's like, let's assume she's an alright person (no reason to think otherwise?)- they weren't compatible. And you are. So yay smile

spicytomatojuice Mon 22-Dec-14 10:17:04

thankyou mn'ers.
flanj, yep pretty low confidence at times and doesn't take much to make me feel niggles of insecurities.

Twinklebells Mon 22-Dec-14 10:34:18

Block her on Facebook then you won't be able to upset yourself looking. But of course she will put a front on there - nobody uploads pics of them looking miserable and dull do they.

spinduchess Mon 22-Dec-14 10:40:18

I agree, this is about you. I have seen DH's ex Facebook account, and she is beautiful, but she doesn't evoke an emotional response from me.

Are you worried about your relationship at all?

spicytomatojuice Mon 22-Dec-14 10:58:20

Not worried about our relationship as such, we are brilliant together. He has done absolutely nothing to make me question anything. I always tend to have trust/insecurity issues due to things that have happened in previous relationships, and it's so hard to shake them off and fully trust when I always believe there's someone better than me.

JaceyBee Mon 22-Dec-14 11:10:45

There's always gonna be someone 'better' than you. Not just you, everyone (except maybe angelina jolie). It's all relative. It doesn't mean your dp would rather be with them though. You have to make a conscious effort to detach from negative, compare and despair distorted thinking if you don't want to damage your relationships. You can't make it your dp's problem that your exes behaved badly. Have a read about mindfulness and Acceptance Commitment Therapy techniques to help avoid ruminating on these self-critical thoughts.

Castlemilk Mon 22-Dec-14 11:49:20

The thing I have found to be unerringly true about FB, Twitter etc. is that the people who seem to have the most active, amusing, interesting, diverse 'lives' as documented on there aren't so much the people for which that is necessarily true, but rather the people who like to invest time and energy presenting that kind of stuff to the world.

That's not necessarily a criticism btw. I know lots of lovely folk who spend a huge amount of effort practically crafting the details of their lives for social media - simply because they find it interesting to do so. They like storytelling and presenting. They're into communicating in that way.

I also know, however, that the majority of the people who I would say are the busiest, or have the most interesting jobs etc. don't have a profile at all, or have one where they post rarely. Because it doesn't do it for them, and they're too busy doing to endlessly diarise it all.

I also have one ex who was the most intellectually insecure person I ever knew. He'd quite literally mug up on obscure bits of news on bands etc. before a night out, so that he could drop a few things into conversation which would make him look cool and hip with a finger that could not be more on the pulse. I remember smiling to myself when Twitter started thinking 'I can guess one person who will have the busiest, most eclectic and well informed Twitter feed the world has ever known!' - and guess what, he has smile

Social media doesn't tell you about people's lives so much as their personalities.

spicytomatojuice Mon 22-Dec-14 17:49:28

Thank you, and jacey I will look into mindfulness etc, a quick google showed it looks v.useful.

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