Pregnant and he is refusing to speak to me

[have2dothis]

Have had a shitty relationship with this man for last 3 years. I have tried to break free from him, but have kept failing and going back. Just emotionally abusive which makes me feel worthless and shit about myself. Unfortunately was so in love that no matter what he did to me (and it was a lot) I talked myself around it and went back. We don;t live together which has been the godsend in all of it.

We had split up, for good this time, though he always says that. I find out I am pregnant. He is soon to be 50 and I am 40. It was a massive shock for both of us. We talked about trying to make it work but he is being so unbearable I can't stand having him in my house, feels like I can't breathe when he is there.

So he is questioning paternity (fucking c@@t he knows its his) and I blew my top with him this week when he said once paternity was proved he would be involved. In response to this I had a massive, massive no holds bar rage at him via email (not my usual kind of behaviour).

Anyway, I feel so utterly alone. I am nearly 12 weeks pregnant. HAve scan next week. I have tried over last couple of days to send an olive branch via text and email. Nothing. I suffer with depression and was on low dose meds which I came off as soon as I knew was pg. I'm so scared of going downhill. Scared as I am a full time student with no job. Scared cause i live in a small 2 bed home with DS (14) and need another bedroom. I own the house so to move would need to sell but cannot get new mortgage because I am full time undergrad student..............

I am just lost and feel alone in this messy mess

[GingerbreadPudding]

You have options here.

You can do this alone. You are already a mum.

You could consider a termination. You do not have to be pregnant.

You could consider adoption. There are hundreds of couples desperate and able to give a baby a loving home.

To me, it seems that staying with this man just isn't an option. He doesn't nurture you and presumably wouldn't nurture a little one.

[SparkleZilla]

You can do this!!

You dont need to think about moving for a coupleof years at least. Newbaby can sleep in with you

Him? well from what you have posted your life wouldbe easier without him.

[have2dothis]

Oh no, I want bubba! I am so scared but have wanted another one for years and years and medically thought unable to have another.

I can do it alone I know but I just feel so alone in the pregnancy. So unsupported. I don't even really want to be with him but could do with hte emotional support. But no he carries on his stupid life while I fall apart with worry. Its making me hate him and I don't want to hate the father of my child :(

[GoatsDoRoam]

That is quite a lot to deal with, for anyone, so kudos to you for dealing with this when you are so emotionally vulnerable.

Here's a hug and a handhold.

From my vantage point, it seems that you need to work on 2 very difficult things simultaneously: keeping this toxic man OUT of your life, while simultaneously navigating a pregnancy where he is the father.

He is no good for you, you know that, right? He is quite likely a trigger or worsening factor for your depression. NOT someone to keep around.

Here's what I suggest:

• Get yourself some proper support. ie. not this man. Good solid friends. Decent family members. A therapist. The NCT if you choose to keep this pregnancy. Basically, find healthy and helpful people who you can turn to, talk to, rely on. That way you will have support, and be less tempted to turn to Mr Putdown for support (which he can't give: he can only bring you down).
  

• Practice no contact. No more email rants (rant to a good friend instead). No more taking the bait when he contacts you. Choose what you will tell him about your pregnancy, and tell him only that. Do not get dragged into his manipulation, for he will use all his tools to manipulate you, and you are very sensitive to his tactics. Don't engage.
  

Ideally, you would block his phone number, block his email address, and block him from your social media. Cold turkey. Given your pregnancy, it may not be practical for you to do this, but still: I would really consider it. You do not need his contribution of headfuckery, when you are so very very vulnerable.

Here's another hug. There is a way through this.

[GoatsDoRoam]

That is quite a lot to deal with, for anyone, so kudos to you for dealing with this when you are so emotionally vulnerable.

Here's a hug and a handhold.

From my vantage point, it seems that you need to work on 2 very difficult things simultaneously: keeping this toxic man OUT of your life, while simultaneously navigating a pregnancy where he is the father.

He is no good for you, you know that, right? He is quite likely a trigger or worsening factor for your depression. NOT someone to keep around.

Here's what I suggest:

• Get yourself some proper support. ie. not this man. Good solid friends. Decent family members. A therapist. The NCT if you choose to keep this pregnancy. Basically, find healthy and helpful people who you can turn to, talk to, rely on. That way you will have support, and be less tempted to turn to Mr Putdown for support (which he can't give: he can only bring you down).
  

• Practice no contact. No more email rants (rant to a good friend instead). No more taking the bait when he contacts you. Choose what you will tell him about your pregnancy, and tell him only that. Do not get dragged into his manipulation, for he will use all his tools to manipulate you, and you are very sensitive to his tactics. Don't engage.
  

Ideally, you would block his phone number, block his email address, and block him from your social media. Cold turkey. Given your pregnancy, it may not be practical for you to do this, but still: I would really consider it. You do not need his contribution of headfuckery, when you are so very very vulnerable.

Here's another hug. There is a way through this.

[GingerbreadPudding]

You're looking in the wrong place for emotional support IMO. You need to turn to friends, family, pregnancy groups etc. if you keep going to this man for support it will be damaging for your self esteem and open up your new baby's life to a dad who may or may not be around when he's said he would be. And congratulations. Imagine this baby is a girl - what kind of role model do you want to be? And what kind if man do you want your son to see as a father?

[GoatsDoRoam]

apols for double post.

[mathanxiety]

You do not need this man in your life or your baby's life. He is not a support for you and looking for support for him means making your life and your baby's life and your DS's life miserable. You don't have to hate him. You don't have to love him. You don't need to feel anything but indifference towards him, while you get on with your life and be the best mum you can be.

Invest in the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid, for your sake and the baby's and for the sake of your DS14. None of the people depending on you need to see you hurt by this man. You need to find the inner resources to break free from him, emotionally and psychologically. The FP will help you do that.

WA number is 0808 2000 247. Call, and leave a message. They will get back to you. They tend to be especially busy around Christmas, sadly, but they will get back to you. You might find a local number on this page.

[qazxc]

I totally understand that you need emotional support but he will never be the one to give it to you.
Do you have any family or close friends nearby?
Talk to your GP or nurse, they often can point you in the right direction such as parents to be groups or single parents organisations.
and mumsnet is always good for a rant.
TBH I would consider not contacting him again until the baby is here. If he complains about not being there for the scans/birth, tell him that they are medical procedures not a spectator sport. You don't need moments that are emotional and special to be ruined by his mind fuckery.

[Mom2K]

^ What everyone else has said - seeking support in that man will only make you feel worse. You won't get what you need from him. Cut him out, and seek support in areas where you will actually receive help.

[BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney]

you will not need to move for a couple of years so cross that off your panic list. your son gets the smallest bedroom, you and baby have the biggest.

you will need to move on from the ex though. you do not need to involve him until after the baby is born. even then give yourself time to adjust.

you need to give yourself time to adjust now too. finding support otherthan this man will help. good luck.

[have2dothis]

Thank you all for your messages. Every one of them makes sense and almost makes me think why the hell wasn't I thinking like this in the first place.

Goat thanks for hug and handhold.. its what is needed right now, and great advice too.

By the way someone put DS14 hehe I don't have 14 kids already, just one DS who is 14.

I started the freedom program before, found it free online, will go back to it. Unfortunately counselling around here is massively expensive but i have been accepted via a disability service, they have done all the paperwork and now waiting for a space to become available.

I do have family but older parents who I don't want to worry too much with it, and well the rest of my family really can't stand the man but they try not to say to much as I keep going back to him. Only two close friends know the full picture, I am kind of ashamed to let other people know though I think they read between the lines. A lot don't know I am pg yet so might get easier to talk after that.

My bedroom is tiny (and the biggest one) so thinking how I can maximise some space in it. I have a superking bed (his bed) so I guess that can go and be replaced with a double. Will feel good to be rid of his bed too. I feel plans of action coming on.

Thank you virtual friends. You have given me much needed kick up the arse!

[loveareadingthanks]

Hi OP,

You already know this man is a dead loss and won't really be much of a father, and certainly isn't going to be a source of support to you. Forget him till the baby is here, you can do a DNA test, and then get child support. Don't worry about anything more than that as far as he is concerned, for now.

Space - you'll be ok. Baby will fit in somewhere and you'll all be fine. You could co-sleep for a couple of years, or you could get yourself a smaller bed and a cot. You will manage.

Support - I know you don't want to worry your parents but I'm sure they'll be delighted with a new grandchild and want to be there supporting you. Find out about student support at your uni, they can be very helpful. Turn to your friends. They might not like your ex, (with good reason), but they do like you so let them be your friends and give you the emotional support you need.

[have2dothis]

The only thing I can say positive is he has grown up children and although he left his wife when the kids were very small he did support financially (he earns a lot) and he had them one night a week and every other weekend, so he was there for them. He did talk about having the baby every other weekend... er yes, possibly when they are 4 years old and can say if they want to. Before then, no.

[Quitelikely]

Why oh why conceive with an emotionally abusive person? I can only assume you were desperate to even consider having him as a father. What about the child in all of this? So it's ok to bring an innocent life into the middle of it all?

IMO no it's not ok or acceptable.

No my post isn't very supportive because I have got a different perspective when it comes to abusive men having children. And you won't be able to stop him having contact either.

You don't want to hate your babies father? Why on earth not? He's an abusive man.

And your other child? I dread to think what he has learned about relationships during your time with this man.

[GoatsDoRoam]

There is no point kicking someone for a mistake already made, Quite. None.

The only useful thing to do is find the best way forward from here.

[Quitelikely]

But it wasn't a mistake, it was intentional. That's my point

[have2dothis]

Quite - it wasn't intentional. If you bothered reading my posts you would see that I understood i was never able to have another one FOR MEDICAL REASONS. Go find someone else to be nasty to if it makes you feel good.

I don't see it as a mistake either. It is a miracle that it happened. I wish the father was someone else and I was in a stable relationship. But that is not to be.