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Wanting someone you can never have

(106 Posts)
charlotterosea Sat 20-Dec-14 13:52:01

I am feeling very confused about everything at the moment and would like to write my thoughts down. I appreciate any advice or similar experiences that people can offer. To give some background about me, I am single (LTR broke down 6 months ago) and late 20s.

I have developed feelings for a man at work – someone I definitely can’t ever have – and it’s beginning to really affect me. I have a stressful job that takes up many hours. This year, I was moved to a different department (to gain experience) and began working with this man, who is effectively my ‘boss’ because he is a middle-manager in that department. The problem is, he is engaged to another person in our workplace (who was actually my boss last year when I was in a different department.)

I have worked with him for about 5 months now and this huge crush came out of nowhere. I’m not often attracted to people but I find everything about him so endearing. He’s funny, interesting, thoughtful, witty and he makes me look forward to coming to work every day. We work in a very small team and one person recently left so we are basically together all the time. We can talk for hours about general things and I know a lot about his life. He often says he misses his life when he was younger, before he worked here because now he is stressed out and has no time for himself, which I can relate to. We are close to the same age so we often talk about nights out and university etc. He is really friendly and just seems to understand me.

After work, he will sometimes come to my area for a chat. Yesterday evening, we spent a while talking and I was getting my stuff ready to take to the car. We won’t be at work for a while as we have time off for the Christmas break and he was asking me about my plans. He helped me pack up the stuff I needed and asked me to text him over the holidays if I felt like chat or if I ‘get drunk over New Year’s Eve.’ We never really text or communicate out of work unless we need to talk about something work related so I thought this was a bit odd. Then went we went home, the last thing he said to me in the car park was ‘text me’.

It’s difficult because I know that nothing can ever happen (not that I even have any proof he likes me that way, I’m probably just being obsessive and stupid.) It would be a disaster both professionally and emotionally and the fall out would be enormous. I am friendly with his fiancée and see her every day too. I am very positive about the wedding whenever it comes up in conversation but he always seems negative about it. He often moans about how they’re spending too much money on it. I don’t ever comment on this though and as far as I’m aware, he has no idea how I feel about him.

Part of me would like to text him, just to hear from him, as I miss him when I’m not with him. I don’t think I should though. Some days I think about him a lot and I wish I didn’t because it’s pointless. I can never have him and I’ve tried to meet other men but I just don’t seem to like anyone else that way.

Why do I have to feel like this about something I need to see every day? It’s like my mind is trying to torture me with these ridiculous feelings. I imagine things about him that I really shouldn’t and then I feel really guilty and weird afterwards. Please don’t judge me for saying what I’ve said as I wouldn’t act on these feelings. It’s just making things really unpleasant for me as I can’t stop thinking about him.

Roonerspism Sat 20-Dec-14 13:56:46

I'm not judging you... But I am judging him. He is engaged and planning a wedding and has made it abundantly clear he likes you.

So I'm sure if you text him, it will move forward. But is that what you want? He is prepared to cheat on his fiancée - what kind of man does that? And he would therefore cheat on you too.

The right thing to do is nothing. As bloody hard as that sounds. Both for the sake if his fiancée and you.

It couldn't end happily.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 20-Dec-14 14:04:23

He's just crossed a line, hasn't he? No wonder you are confused. It's hard when someone gives you 'the signals' but you know nothing can come of this.

Do not text him. Delete his number from your phone so you're not tempted and steer well clear. And start looking for another move - I'm not going to comment on the emotional and moral angle because you all ready know them. What I am going to say is: you are obviously a well-respected, high flier at work. Don't let that be taken away from you. Don't become someone who sleeps with the boss, because that will put a massive, massive question mark over everything you have achieved so far and everything you hope to achieve in the future.

Don't ruin your career for a bored man who wants to play with you for a bit. Please.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sat 20-Dec-14 14:06:20

And it is just a crush. You know that, you know if you ignore it, it will go away. You know if you meet someone else, it will go away. So ignore it and him. It will go away.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 20-Dec-14 14:10:21

"As far as I�m aware, he has no idea how I feel about him"

Oh yes he does, and now he's playing with you. Very possibly to see if you'll take the bait. Those are his true colours and they're not at all attractive.

Only take the bait if you're prepared to quit your job first.

HollyJollyXmas Sat 20-Dec-14 14:15:08

He is fishing for some meaningless, 'last minute wedding nerves' sex. Maybe not such a 'nice guy'?

Dont text him. Draw well back now and save yourself a huge amount of grief. Plough your energies and emotions into other things - friends, social life etc - and dont waste your relatively young years pining after a married (or soon to be) man.

Bogeyface Sat 20-Dec-14 14:20:11

He's made it very clear as far as I can see.

Do you still fancy him knowing that he is happy to cheat on his fiancee while she is planning their wedding?

Not such a nice guy after all is he?

charlotterosea Sat 20-Dec-14 14:28:21

I'm not sure he has made it clear though. As a person, he is friendly and chatty and most people like him at work. He was talking about going for a drink with another person from the department so I'm not sure he is looking to cheat. We've been alone loads of times and he's had loads of opportunity but has only ever acted in a friendly way. It was the whole 'text me' comment that has made me wonder about him, but then he could just want a 'drunk' text because there has been a lot of banter at work about getting drunk over Christmas and he probably thinks it would be funny.

Bogeyface Sat 20-Dec-14 14:34:20

No, I think its because he is trying to open a new, non work, level of communication with you.

Think about it this way, how would his fiancee (and your ex boss) react if he was keeping the texting a secret, and she found out about it?

Even if it was totally innocent on your part, the fact that you had been caught up in his secret would be very damaging to you.

Stay professional, dont text him and dont have after work chats with him.

Hatespiders Sat 20-Dec-14 14:44:30

He seems negative about the forthcoming wedding and moans about how much they're spending on it? How disloyal. And why does he come to your area 'for a chat' at the end of the working day, and spend hours during working hours talking to you, saying he misses his earlier life? He should be talking about his fiancee and being excited about their wedding and his new life.
He sounds a slippery individual and a bit of a sly charmer to me.
I'd give him a wide berth. Even if he fancies you, who would want a disloyal potential cheater? And just think of the repercussions at work. Professionally and socially you'd be scuppered.
Keep him at arm's length and stamp on your feelings for him.

Quitelikely Sat 20-Dec-14 15:03:44

Don't text him. Don't get involved. It will never end well and if you think your struggling with your emotions now the emotional turmoil of an affair will blow you away.

Imagine being caught and everyone at work knowing what you did. The thought isn't a good one is it?

It's normal for men to moan about the cost of weddings IMO.

Just enjoy it as a crush and nothing more. That way you keep your self respect in tact.

deserttrek Sat 20-Dec-14 15:07:02

Hi CharlotteRosea
All the other posters are unanimous.
And I agree with them.
You have a great career ahead of you.
I think he has last minute nerves, and will still marry her anyway.
And he is asking you to risk your career, for a few minutes of indulgence to satisfy his pre-committal nerves.
He may even want to do more than the emotional hit, like he may try to f* you, in the new year and then dump you, very graciously I am sure, to follow his preordained plan.
If I were to text him, it would be to say this "Hi, when I was packing my things earlier, you asked me to text you outside of work. Well, this is just to say that I hope you have a Happy Christmas and a fantastic 2015, with your wedding and life plans for the future. If those plans do not happen, then yes we can speak more. But, only then, and if your plans do not work. Otherwise I wish you all the best for the future, and a happy, happy life. And we will still continue to enjoy our professional relationship and work well with all of our colleagues, and build the company that we work in for all of us."
I hope this helps. smile
Happy Christmas.
And I have been where you are now before, and at Christmas.
It is hard. But so what. Keep working on you, charlotterosea

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 20-Dec-14 15:24:55

He is a player

Avoid like the plague

AuntieStella Sat 20-Dec-14 15:37:23

Before you text him, bring your CV up to date and start looking around to see what recruitment is like in your sector.

Because affairs with attached men in your own workplace really do not end well and it is the junior staff member who is ostracised. This will be you. But you can avert it if you move on swiftly before impact within one workplace hits.

If you don't think he's worth that hassle, just don't text at all.

Tinks42 Sat 20-Dec-14 15:43:05

Yep, he's "sounding you out"

JustSpeakSense Sat 20-Dec-14 15:49:00

Do not under any circumstances text him this holiday.

This crush will fade, he will get married and your career will prosper.

Do not text him.

FindoGask Sat 20-Dec-14 16:05:22

Please don't text him. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you would hate yourself if you let yourself get involved with someone in a committed relationship, quite apart from the implications for your career. There's no shame in being attracted to someone - even if you're in a relationship yourself - but actively trying to turn attraction into something more, as he is doing, is totally wrong.

WildBillfemale Sat 20-Dec-14 16:21:38

*If I were to text him, it would be to say this "Hi, when I was packing my things earlier, you asked me to text you outside of work. Well, this is just to say that I hope you have a Happy Christmas and a fantastic 2015, with your wedding and life plans for the future. If those plans do not happen, then yes we can speak more. But, only then, and if your plans do not work. Otherwise I wish you all the best for the future, and a happy, happy life. And we will still continue to enjoy our professional relationship and work well with all of our colleagues, and build the company that we work in for all of us."
I hope this helps. smile
Happy Christmas*

Actually this - For all we know the wedding is a year away still. People do sometimes have doubts before they marry, sometimes just last minute cold feet, sometimes deep down doubts that they are undecided over what to do. Maybe the relationship has been plodding on forever and the 'wedding' is the next thing to do.
He's not yet married, if you really like him a message such as the above is a way of letting him know if things were differant......
DO NOT get involved with him whilst he is still engaged etc, he is also your boss so there is this to take into account.
The message above makes it clear you like him but nothing will happen whilst he is attached but in a light hearted way. Whatever comes of it you've put the issue to bed so to speak.

Snowgoose1 Sat 20-Dec-14 16:39:45

"He is a player, avoid like the plague"

Seconded. PLEASE don't go there. You already have feelings for him and miss him when you don't see him. It will be a lot harder for you emotionally if anything happens with him. If he's making overtures towards you in suggesting you text him he is seeing how you respond because he might be up for a bit of no strings fun. You might think he is nice and he may well be in a lot of ways, but if he was truly decent he wouldn't be asking you to text him and being critical of his upcoming wedding.

This is already upsetting you emotionally, it will be a whole lot worse if you get involved with him. You are going to feel awful speaking to his wife to be, you are going to upset yourself thinking of him with his wife to be, you are going to feel a whole lot more guilty than you do now. That is even before you think about any consequences over your job and if it came out what happened between you.

Do ANYTHING you can think of to occupy your mind when you don't see him, avoid him as much as you can, seeing him will just fuel it. Please don't text him, you will end up hurt. I know what I am talking about, please resist temptation however hard that may seem.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 20-Dec-14 16:55:07

Do not text him. Do not engage with him in 'shit-shat'. He's quite keen to see if you will and he doesn't mind whether you do or you don't. You have invested feelings in him that don't exist for him at all. This isn't worth it. You have a crush, not unusual but you have free will and can stop yourself from taking it any further.

You'll regret it very much if you don't put a stop to it now whilst you still can. Do that, for your own sake.

delaselva Sat 20-Dec-14 17:00:19

So, he's not the great guy you thought he was. That's why you were attracted to him initially and it turns out that he's already crossing a line, before he's even married!

You're only in your late 20s you say. So young. I agree with pps, stay active and put him out of your head.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 20-Dec-14 17:01:02

'shit-shat'? CHIT-CHAT! fshock

GoatsDoRoam Sat 20-Dec-14 17:01:43

Do not text him.

Your LTR ended only 6 months ago. The crush was your way of doing something with the pain of no longer having a romantic attachment. His come-on to you, however, is dangerous: it fits into your fantasy, but it is very, very real, and will fuck up your professional life big time.

(and your emotional life too, as he is engaged)

Don't do it.

MrsPurchase Sat 20-Dec-14 17:12:54

The next thing he'll be saying is that his fiancée doesn't understand him like you do, you're so easy to get along with in comparison to her, you two have a connection that they just don't have.
You sound like a nice person. He really, really doesn't. Don't text him.

Wrapdress Sat 20-Dec-14 17:14:03

Don't jeopardize your career over a man.
The mere perception of "something going on" between you two will cause workplace problems. People may already be talking. You know how office gossip goes. They take one extending look between two people and extrapolate it into fornicating.
Don't have unnecessary conversations with him ever again. Tell him you have to go, you have a call, you are on a deadline.
Don't go cold turkey on him either. Gently pull away. Rejected men often come on stronger and more aggressive because now they have been challenged.
He is probably lying about the agony of wedding planning and any negativity about his fiancé.

You have to intellectualize this. Don't let emotion and hormones take over.

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