Help! I'm an idiot

[Haveimiscarried]

I've posted previously in the summer, when my relationship with then DP broke up. Thread is here

Long story short, we were trying for a baby, I got a new job, we stopped trying but accidentally fell pregnant. I then miscarried. He said he would have suggested abortion anyway. Generally not a nice time.

Anyway, I had some lovely advise on here, I moved on and started dating a new man. He was lovely, completely spoilt me rotten, treating me like I was the best person in the world.

Now here comes the idiot-ness. Something changed in me, and I no longer felt attracted to this new guy. To the point that hearing from him was really irritating me, so I called it off. Explained I'd really enjoyed our time together while it lasted, but didn't feel it could go any further. Not sure what 'switched' in my brain, but there we go.

Then who should I hear from? ExDP. He invited me to stay at his house one night this week, made it perfectly clear it was just for sex and..you guessed it..I went.

What am I doing? Why couldn't I appreciate the kind, caring man when I had him? I actually said to my friend after staying at ExDP's - 'it was so nice to sleep with someone who wasn't going to try and cuddle me all night'.

Now I don't really feel anything. I just want to be on my own (felt a bit smothered by new guy so making the most of having control of my time) but WHY I chose to spend my time with someone who treated me so badly, I have no idea.

Has anyone been in this position before?

[zaracharlotte]

I think you need to be single for a while and focus on getting over your Ex, before starting something new half heartedly. All these things that you have done, with no idea why you have done them are symptomatic of someone that needs some time off from dating.

I've been there many times myself. The break is the best healing tool I can recommend. All the best!

[LIZS]

Refuse contact, block his number and email and make some positive plans to move on in the new year - a self esteem course perhaps so that you start to value yourself. You don't need this man , or indeed any man, who makes you feel bad about yourself or insignificant

[dirtybadger]

Well it doesn't sound like either guy is for you. You dont have to choose between two men. And you dont have to choose between someone who frankly sounds like a bit of an utter prick (haven't read previous thread though) or someone who, maybe, is a bit too gushy and touchy feely for you? There are plenty of "types" of humans/men!

Enjoy being alone and find someone somewhere in between when you're feeling more inclined to pursue a relationship.

It's definitely not weird to go back to an ex for sex. You're familiar. He was probably nice a lot of the time. You knowing he is a fool probably helps you disengage a little bit after. Live and learn.

[CheersMedea]

Why did you go? What was your thought process?

Was it "I miss him terribly/I love him/I know its a bad idea but he has a toxic grip on my heart" type thinking or was more "I feel lonely and want some love and sexual affection from a tried and tested source"?

If it was more the former, some people are bad for us, we know it but have difficultly staying away. The only way to deal with that is by no contact.

There were a couple of threads here a while ago (I'd guess last couple of months or so) about "how can I find the will power to stay away from a toxic man who I keep going back to". They had some good advice. I'll see if I can find them.

[CheersMedea]

This was one of them. It was about an OW but the underlying issue (stay away from a bad man) is the same.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2207439-Help-to-end-an-abusive-OW-non-relationship

There was another one that was much closer to your situation but I can't find it. I'm pretty sure I posted on it so will look again. It was basically ideas to help you stay away from a person you shouldn't go anywhere near. If I remember rightly, one of the suggestions was to get an arrangement with a friend where if he contacts you, you call your friend immediately for moral don't contact him support.

[Haveimiscarried]

I think my thought process was 'I want to know he still finds me attractive' and 'I want to sleep with someone who knows what I like without the lovey dovey stuff' - but I just feel slightly worried that there's a reason I don't like the lovey dovey stuff? That's not normal surely? There was probably also a bit of 'if he's sleeping with me he can't be with someone else'.

cheers I will have a read through of that thread, thank you.

[Haveimiscarried]

Also, I went NC with him from September and it definitely helped. But we have the same circle of friends so I had to see him last weekend at a birthday event for one of our friends. Then he started texting throughout the week again..

[GoatsDoRoam]

You never "have" to see someone. You can choose not to go to a friend's party, make your apologies, and find other fun and people to have it with on that day.

I know it's not fair, but NC is not about "fair" : it's about your emotional survival.

[Haveimiscarried]

You're absolutely right goats although I suspect a part of me was glad of the excuse to see him, even though I know that it's really good for me to never see him. While the temptation is there, I'll never have the stamina to remain NC. God, I sound so pathetic.

[LIZS]

Unless you have children with him there is no reason to ever see him again let alone sleep with him. Good friends would understand and work round it, however you might be sending mixed signals to them that you are ok with both being invited. If they don't get it find a new circle of friends .

[GoatsDoRoam]

Sure you'll find the stamina. You are not pathetic: we all slip up from time to time. It's ok. As long as you learn from your mistake, and don't make the same one again too many times