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Feeling aggrieved

(57 Posts)
seasider123 Sat 20-Dec-14 11:34:34

Hi there
I really need some help to put my life into perspective please.
I lived a reasonably uneventful life until very recently but now it has imploded.
3 months ago, my DP's step father became ill and sadly has very recently died. During his illness, by a cruel twist of fate, my own father was diagnosed with the same condition and it's touch and go if he will make it until Christmas.
So DP's side of the family is bereaved and I am going through hell watching my DF suffering and slowly dying.
DP and I have tried to manage. He would travel up to stay with his DM and I would hold the fort at home and keep my DF going in hospital.
DP has been as supportive all round as he can be.
However...his bereaved and newly widowed DM is obviously lonely and wants to spend time with her son, my DP. Understandable. But after a particularly harrowing hospital visit to my DF, I was completely pissed off that DP had invited her to stay at short notice. I felt I needed some quiet time at home, as it's my coping strategy, not days of MIL and her grief. I wouldn't refuse but just felt immense pressure, panic and annoyance that I wasn't given any option anyway.
So...DP went mad and threw me out. He says I am callous, unsupportive and selfish. 8 days on, I am not allowed back except to pick up my belongings and I am alone with my father's impending death, no home and no relationship.
I struggle to know if I was being unreasonable to DP or if he was to me. Or if we are both guilty. For the record, I did apologise for my outburst and gave no indication to MIL I was upset and struggling when she arrived.
(ex)DP is still furious with me for all this and says I got what I deserved. Did I? I just need some input to help me process what he is saying.
Any help will be greatly appreciated.

whatisforteamum Sat 20-Dec-14 11:46:41

Hi seasider i am so sorry you are in this dreadful situation.I can sympathize as i have had rows with Dh this yr in a similar vein.He had a heart attack and lots of issues since,i was trying to keep positive as bothmy parents have terminal cancer and Dads has spread,meanwhile our teenage daughter has left school and not found a job.
I think your ex DP has tried to please everyone and is torn between 2 women he loves.We all do and say selfish thing s when we are under pressure.Sadly much like us alot of bad events have happened at once.I hope everything settles down for you.We too had a quiet sorted life 2 yrs ago now this.sending you strength to get through this time x

BrowersBlues Sat 20-Dec-14 11:47:02

Your DP massively overreacted. You are all under tremendous pressure but he should not have thrown you out of your home. What sort of person is he? Have you got somewhere to stay?

I don't know your situation but if this is normal behaviour for him I would detach from him. You have enough on your plate without being forced to leave your home.

LineRunner Sat 20-Dec-14 11:51:44

Where are you living? So sorry for you, what a nightmare. I think your DP, whilst acknowledging his grief, is behaving unacceptably.

seasider123 Sat 20-Dec-14 12:05:06

Thank all for your responses. Sorry to hear about your dreadful situation, Whatis.
I'm living in a relatives empty house at the moment. DP threw me out late at night so I had to think quickly and find somewhere first thing next morning.it's temporary though.
DP does have a tendency to over react if he feels hurt by me so I guess I should've expected this. I am trying to focus on the shock of my DFs very short prognosis and manage as best I can. DP also has a lot on his plate, I accept that. But he won't see past this 'argument'.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 20-Dec-14 12:09:20

Is it his house? Or both of you?

If it is his house then I don't suppose you can go back but if it belongs to both of you he should have asked first, and can't throw you out. Bit cruel and heartless and to be honest, do you want to be with someone like that?

AnotherEmma Sat 20-Dec-14 12:11:22

I think your partner was very wrong to throw you out. Surely it's your home too? You have just as much to deal with as him at the moment. And I think he should have discussed it with you before inviting his mum to stay, so your reaction was totally understandable.

How is your relationship apart from this? Is your partner usually supportive and respectful?

seasider123 Sat 20-Dec-14 12:29:33

It's his house so I can't go back. I have asked him to look at a shared home where we are equal, but he won't entertain the idea as his non resident daughter needs the stability of living close to us. But that leaves me vulnerable, I know that.
It's not that I don't understand his need to look after his DM, I just wish he had discussed it instead of presenting it as a fait accompli...like everything else.
At the time, my head was spinning with worry as it felt like I would lose my personal space which I use to sort my head out after each day after seeing to my DF. I realise it's all a bit of a mess and DP and I have conflicting needs right now, I guess.
Thanks for your replies, they are really helping me. I haven't talked to anyone in RL as we are trying to keep all bad news from my DF!

AnotherEmma Sat 20-Dec-14 12:55:23

Even if he officially owns the house I think the fact that you live there as his partner means that it's your house too, in practise, and that he shouldn't just throw you out on a whim. Is the relationship otherwise equal? Do you have a close friend or family member that you could talk to about things, or even stay with for a little while?

seasider123 Sat 20-Dec-14 13:09:33

Normally I could stay with a friend or relative perhaps, but it's Christmas for other people and I have to also stay close to the hospice in case I get a call. So it's all very difficult.
DP is a kind and well respected man and his family are his top priority. We have no DC together so at least that is one less thing to worry about.
AnotherEmma..he doesn't see it as a whim, he sees it as me being selfish and immature about his needs and therefore I suffer the consequences of being unsupportive towards him. That's why I need to be told straight...whether I deserve this eviction or not. I have a lot of guilt about how I spoke to DP about my needs, but I was at the end of my tether that day with so many things.

BrowersBlues Sat 20-Dec-14 13:12:53

Seasider, you poor thing, he really should not have done that regardless of the situation. It is probably typical of you not to share with anyone in RL in order protect your dad but maybe you could tell someone.

If I was a friend of yours I would be outraged and would want to comfort you. Could you tell someone just to get some support for yourself? I know your dad is critically ill but that doesn't mean that you don't need support too.

It was completely natural for you to not want his mother around for a while. The last thing you need is to be surrounded by someone's else grief along with the trauma of watching your dad suffer. Whatever the rights and wrongs of that issue are you should not have been put out of your home.

I would like to think that he will contact you shortly to apologise for his actions.

dirtybadger Sat 20-Dec-14 13:17:18

If you dont mind me asking, what did you actually say? I really think he is bring totally unreasonable, unless you said something absolutely vile about his mother/him/father, etc. If you just "stepped a bit out of line" and his reaction was to throw you out (I assume he didn't know you had this place to stay at, for all he knew you could have been freezing your arse off on the streets all night) that's not on.
He should have discussed his mum with you too.

What will you do for Christmas? sad

magoria Sat 20-Dec-14 13:21:10

I understand you are both going through hell however you cannot go back to a home/relationship where you can be tossed out at his slightest whim.

I don't know if I could ever trust that person again.

seasider123 Sat 20-Dec-14 13:30:17

I said, oh no what about me, I don't think I can manage this right now, I need space and comfort in my home, not talk of death etc etc. Nothing vile, I was just very stressed. I did apologise and try to explain my over reaction. DP shouted at me what a selfish person I was and his mum needed comfort too. I do realise that and she is staying for Christmas, which is only fair and right.
For the record, I did as much as I could while DP's mum went through the ordeal of diagnosis and the illness while juggling my own DF. We attended the funeral in separate cars so I could dash back alone to my deteriorating parent last week.
What a mess.

TalkingintheDark Sat 20-Dec-14 13:33:13

I'm appalled. At him, not you! He threw you out of the home you shared because you dared to express your (perfectly legitimate) feelings?!

I know you won't want to hear this right now, but I really hope that at some point you can turn this on its head and instead of trying to overturn his judgement on you, have some judgement of your own on him.

One day I think you will be glad that he showed you who he is before you got any more involved with him, ie having children with him. Throwing you out because you wanted some space for your own grief and trauma, after you've supported him through his, and especially at this time of year - it's disgusting.

He is not a kind man.

If you possibly can, then try to accept this relationship is over and that you need it to end because you can't get past his selfish and immature behaviour.

Easy for me to write, not so easy for you to do, I know. But just try and turn it around in your head if you can. He is the one who has behaved unforgivably badly. You do not deserve this eviction and he does not deserve you.

I really think that you might just have had a very lucky escape here. You need to "suffer the consequences of not being supportive to him", I mean WTAF?! If that's his mindset, then you are really and truly well rid. Horrible though it is right now.

Hatespiders Sat 20-Dec-14 13:46:18

I'm so sorry you've all this to cope with, Seasider.
It was unforgivable of your dp to 'throw you out' like that. I agree with magoria, you can't live with someone who might throw you out on a whim.

I think it might be best for a bit of space at the moment. You both have a lot to deal with. I should find somewhere to stay over Christmas, and don't be afraid to ask a friend or kind relative to have you. Or can you stay in the place you're in at the moment? Leave dp to be with his dm and be by yourself quietly to process your df's illness and visit him in the hospice as and when you need.
I should ignore any approaches by dp for now. He's chucked you out in the night, and wants to be with his mum, so let him.
Later, when you feel stronger, you can decide whether you have any future with this man. I'd say you haven't tbh, but that's for you to say.
Again, so sorry you're going through all this, and so near to Christmas too. flowers

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-Dec-14 13:48:39

seasider you said ...he doesn't see it as a whim, he sees it as me being selfish and immature about his needs and therefore I suffer the consequences of being unsupportive towards him. That's why I need to be told straight...whether I deserve this eviction or not. I have a lot of guilt about how I spoke to DP about my needs, but I was at the end of my tether that day with so many things.

You most certainly do not 'deserve' this eviction. This man has behaved applying and I think you are totally better to be out of this relationship (this is based solely on your words here as I have nothing else to go on).

Your partner has behaved in a way I can barely comprehend and I think you should devote your time now to your father and then seek to rebuild your life without you unbelievably unreasonable ex partner.

Making you leave your home (whether he owns it or not) was totally wrong.

I am so sorry for you.

dirtybadger Sat 20-Dec-14 13:56:33

Then yes he is very completely unreasonable. sad flowers I'm not sure how comfortable or confident I'd feel going back actually...
I hope things run as smoothly as possible for you (in the circumstances) over Xmas.

whatisforteamum Sat 20-Dec-14 13:56:53

* the throwing you out of your home is too much by anyones standards..callous, sorry x

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-Dec-14 14:59:56

I had not read these very wise posters when I posted….

Totally agree with TalkingintheDark when they say … I really hope that at some point you can turn this on its head and instead of trying to overturn his judgement on you, have some judgement of your own on him.

And I agree too

One day I think you will be glad that he showed you who he is before you got any more involved with him, ie having children with him. Throwing you out because you wanted some space for your own grief and trauma, after you've supported him through his, and especially at this time of year - it's disgusting.

and

Hatespiders when they say *I should ignore any approaches by dp for now. He's chucked you out in the night, and wants to be with his mum, so let him.
Later, when you feel stronger, you can decide whether you have any future with this man. I'd say you haven't tbh, but that's for you to say.*

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-Dec-14 15:00:37

seaside You paint a bit of a confusing picture of your dp/exdp and my guess is that this is because he is confusing in his ‘dealings’ with you. Not just now but in your relationship generally.

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-Dec-14 15:01:06

You said DP has been as supportive all round as he can be.
This is a bit confusing, has he been very supportive by any one’s stands or not very supportive but that equals quite supportive for him?

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-Dec-14 15:01:42

DP threw me out late at night so I had to think quickly and find somewhere first thing next morning
Can I ask what happened when he first threw you out? Did you go to the relative’s house, hotel, sleep in your car, or worse? Did he even ask where you were going to stay?

Windywenceslas Sat 20-Dec-14 15:04:22

Throwing you out of your home when you're going through so much, this close to Christmas, is vile behaviour. He's kept you in a very vulnerable position and now he's showing you why.

It sounds like you've both been through a terrible time, but he of all people should know what you're now going through and show some compassion. As you both lived in the home he should have asked first and listened to your concerns. My worry is that he really doesn't see it as your joint home, it's his home and you're just living there.

I think you should concentrate on yourself and your DF and deal with your DP at a later date, even if it's just to say "you behaved like a c*nt and I never want to hear from you again".

flowers

diddl Sat 20-Dec-14 15:19:36

I have to say that what you said to your partner sounds awful to me.

However, what he did was horrible.

He should have realised how stressed ypu are atm.

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