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Affair, pregnant and now feel suicidal....(14 Posts)
A bit of background information......
DH and I separated 7 months ago, we have 3 DC ages 4-9.
Our marriage was unhappy towards the end, he's an alcoholic and was drinking, we hadn't had sex for a year and there were constant problems with the aggressive way he spoke to DD (9).
I met a man who I fell in love with, when I realised what I was feeling I left DH. He was understandably hurt and furious.
DC and I moved out and are now renting somewhere. DC seem happy both at home and at school and we regularly speak about how they're feeling.
DM, DB, my grandmother and a couple of friends have all turned their backs on me for what I've done. This is incredibly hard to deal with.
My relationship with my partner is good, we are happy.
Me and ex-DH are getting on well, although he says he is still in love with me and will wait for me. He is still drinking a lot and this worried me.
A week ago I found out I'm pregnant. My partner is very happy, wheras I feel very apprehensive.
I can't stop crying, I feel really alone, I'm missing my family and ex-DH - although I think the latter is more guilt. I don't know if it's my hormones, one minute I'm content and exited, then I'm busting into tears and feeling suicidal... I would never go through with it as I have 3 wonderful children who need me but feeling like this is scaring me. ...
At times I feel like I've not only wrecked my own life but that of everyone around me, then an hour later I feel like I've made the right decision....
Yes, you made a big decision.
And yes, you have to make choices now. You do not have to continue with New Man. You do not have to go back to XH.
Are you in circumstances where you can get away and think for yourself what you really want in your life next? The PG means you don't have unlimited time in which to do that, but it's the first step towards making the necessary decisions about how you live the next chapter of your life.
You've made some big decisions and that is scary.
I wouldnt go back to your exH, because of his drinking and aggression.
You dont have to stay with your new man either.
Your family should have supported you as you were unhappy but I'd but them to the back of my mind for now as you have children and yourself to look out for.
Thanks guys. I do love ex DH deeply, but I'm not in love with him. I was very unhappy a lot of the time in the marriage, but at the moment I only seem to be remembering the good times.
I want to stay with my new partner.
I'm just feeling incredibly insecure not having family around and like I'm having some kind of breakdown after all that has happened. I'm wondering if it's the pregnancy hormones?
You've had a lot of change in a short space of time - no wonder you feel insecure. Take time to review what you actually want. It's natural to remember only the best bits of a past relationship, but try to remember why you left also.
I suspect it is the pregnancy hormones. Plus a bit of apprehension about the future. Which is rather understandable.
You've got shot of an alcoholic. An alcoholic who was bullying and abusive towards your child. That's something to celebrate.
You are with someone else who is happy about your pregnancy. That is also something to celebrate.
The people who have been judgemental about your behaviour need to go fuck themselves. No-one knows what hell it is to live with an alcoholic except those who have to live with them and tolerate their dreadful shit. They haven't seen any of your life from the inside, so they don't have a bloody clue, and therefore have no right to judge you.
If your kids are happy and settle with they way things are now, I'm thinking more about your DD here, then its was a good decision to leave.
If your family cant understand that you needed to leave for the sake of happiness for your children and you, then they will miss out.
Could it be pre-natal depression? Maybe talk to your GP. I hope you feel better about everything soon, and congratulations on the pregnancy. x
Do you feel like it's too soon for a baby with new partner? It's your decision - you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
I can understand your anxiety though. I had a similar separation once, and I was a nervous, anxious wreck. Be kind to yourself. And be proud. What you have done is really really brave.
Gosh. What are your feelings about a new long term relationship with your partner? It would be easy to think your only option is to take your life in that direction, but given the attitude of your close relatives, it might be a good move. Fresh start and all that. Are your feelings for each other in those terms?
Blimey - your family turned their backs on you because you left an unhappy relationship where your DD was being emotionally harmed, he was drinking too much, and there was no intimacy between you? It sounds, from what you said, that you left with your head held high, you've made a secure home for you and the kids and you've maintained a good relationship with your ex. Plus you are extending your family, with a man who treats you well. I can't see what your family's problem is with any of that, but I understand that you probably wish you had their support too. I agree with pp's that you may be feeling low because of pregnancy hormones, so do talk to your GP or midwife. Be kind to yourself - you've had a lot of big life events recently, and I think most people would feel a bit wobbly. Ask for help, and make sure you get enough rest too
I'm not going to lie, people (including your family members) will be judgemental about the end of the relationship, the start of the new relationship and the pregnancy.
But if, deep down, you are happy with new man and could be excited about the pregnancy then that should be a way to help make your decision.
Don't think about now - think about the situation in 5 years time. Once the split is truly done and your current DC are able to have decent contact with their father.
Where do you want to be then?
Btw the quick changes and lack of support will make you feel scared and alone. This is what is clouding your judgement about your past relationship and making you doubt the change you made. But remember you weren't happy and you made a decision to change that. No-one has to be in a relationship they don't want to be in.
Good luck with everything. And the reason I may seem a little harsh is that I know the situation exactly - I went through it myself a few years ago and felt exactly like you did.
But five years on I'm still with the 'new' fella (not so new any more!) and we have a beautiful four year old! Plus my DC did get over the separation and they see the ex regularly and enjoy a good relationship with us both. I've never been happier - and I now realise how wrong my previous relationship was for me.
Wow, thank you all so much, I'm welling up at the kind words, good advice and support! Thank you x
There are professionals who can speak with you about your pregnancy, how you feel about it, the next steps, etc- have you contacted any? If you know you would definitely like to go through with the pregnancy I think you should see your GP to rule our pre-natal depression. I think in the circumstances many people would be feeling lost and confused. You've made a lot of changed in a short time. Leaving hour exH was definitely a positive change, especially as it sounds like you are still able to be civil for the moment. I'm sorry about your family, they should have stuck by you. I hope they will realise what a mistake they've all made.
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