Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I started an affair with my friend

(30 Posts)
JoanneInOxford Sat 20-Dec-14 09:13:29

I have never been with a woman before but things have been distant with my dh for a couple of years. My friend and I have become soul mates recently....and 2 weeks ago we went away on a course together and shared a room. We ended up sleeping together and it was amazing. We've seen each other almost every day since and I am in shock at how intense this feels. We are both married and I have 2 young children and she has 3. I think we should keep it completely secret but I know we're taking risks. I'm really unsure what to do....

Lagoonablue Sat 20-Dec-14 09:18:03

Sheesh. This won't end well will it? You either continue to have an affair secretly, living a lie with your DH, or you call it quits with your friend and forget the affair or you finish your relationship with DH to carry on a new one with your friend.

It's an affair. Whether it's your friend or not. Big implications for all involved, including your children.

Affairs are never a good idea.

Hope you sort something out.

AuntieStella Sat 20-Dec-14 09:26:53

You need to decide the role of honesty in your life.

If you are going to cheat and betray your primary relationship, then there is nothing we can say that will stop you. Indeed we are often categorised as harsh for doing so.

But I'll still say that shitting on your own doorstep is one of the mist harmful things you can do to yourself.

Can you break off and move away, and really recommit to your marriage?

Or if this is the rare case when it is genuinely true (not adulterer'so script) that the marriage was flat to the point of worthlessness to you, then you need to end your marriage. Now.

phoenixrose314 Sat 20-Dec-14 09:38:32

You're going to get a load of advice and personal judgements from this post, so I'm going to avoid all of that and just give you a practical list of things you need to do, emotions aside.

For now, try to forget "the other woman" of it all - focus on your marriage. Look at it objectively - what is missing now, that was present a couple of years ago? Make a list. At some point when the kids aren't around and you can relax and get into it, invite your husband to sit down and talk about the quality of your marriage - explain clearly what it is (referencing the list you have made) that you feel is breaking down, and at this point you really need to tell him that you feel as though it may even be over.

What happens next I can't say - it could be your husband feels the same way, or perhaps he wants to stay together. Whatever you do, don't do it "for the kids" - leave them out of it. Kids grow up happier seeing happy parents even if they are separated, the point is you need to be giving your husband a say in what happens next.

Either way, you need to move forward and put aside the relationship you have begun with your friend. As genuine or not as the relationship might be, currently it is acting as a symptom of the breakdown of your marriage and you need to separate the two to see how you really feel about it, with distance and time rather than being caught up in the whirlwind of it all.

Talk to your husband. As soon as you can. He may be distant but he still has feelings and you are doing him a huge disfavour by not considering them.

JoanneInOxford Sat 20-Dec-14 09:53:40

It has just happened so unexpectedly and seems so exciting. But fundamentally I don't want life to change....I don't think

magpieginglebells Sat 20-Dec-14 10:18:19

How would you feel if you found out that your husband was fucking someone behind your back, or one of your parents were fucking someone behind the other's back?

If you don't want to be in your marriage then don't, but there is so much potential for lots of people to get hurt if you continue this affair.

Isawmommykissingsantaclaus14 Sat 20-Dec-14 10:23:55

Its exciting because its new and different from the day to day 'grind' of real life. It makes not a jot of difference whether you are having an affair with a man or a woman. You are cheating and if you are both found out the fall out will be huge. If you no longer love/want to be with you husband then do the decent thing and leave him.

magoria Sat 20-Dec-14 10:30:44

Shitting on your own doorstep as above is exactly the right phrase.

What if her H finds out and as per normal advice on here the cheat has to cut all contact with the person they cheated with if their relationship is to survive. You think you will be welcome around her house or to meet with her for coffee after?

What will you do if your H finds out? You don't want life to change. This is a massive bomb just waiting to blow up over 5 kids and 2 marriages.

Are you willing to risk being alone if she picks her H and stops contact with you to fix that?

If you marriage is broken fix it or leave it. Once you are free and single find another single person to have fun with.

Don't shit on both your marriage and hers from a great height and become like every other cheating liar.

AuntieStella Sat 20-Dec-14 10:34:20

"But fundamentally I don't want life to change"

It already has, and massively so, with no 'backsies'

You need to decide what you are going to do next. Trying to pretend it hasn't happened, or isn't a biggie, is not going to provide a solid platform for whichever way you decide you want your life to go next.

SelfLoathing Sat 20-Dec-14 10:37:39

it has just happened so unexpectedly and seems so exciting.

Affairs always are exciting - at first. It's the nature of the beast. Usually high octane lust coupled with the knowledge you are doing something you shouldn't be doing = electrical turbo-charged excitement. But it's not real. It's not the real world. Real world is pants with skid marks, spots, colds and flu and grumpy day to day life.

Add to this the fact that you are hitherto heterosexual and this is your first gay experience. You have an added level of newness and excitement.

It will wear off. I agree that the best thing to do is stop it but I've been an OW and know that when you are caught up in that heady excitement it is akin to a drug addiction and you won't just stop.

I fully expect despite the fact that you know you should stop this affair OR end the DH relationship and be honest (and also you know the advice here to stop is right) you won't. So my advice would be:

-the single most important thing is that no one NO ONE finds out. It is actually possible to have a very long affair that no one knows about. It's abhorrent and morally wrong and I'm not encouraging it. All I'm saying is if you are going to proceed (which my guess is you will) that you need to be very careful.

- bear in mind that over time as the sheen wears off, the guilt will become a heavy burden and you may find yourself subconsciously doing things to out yourself (I honestly believe that some times when spouses "discover" texts/messages etc that there is a factor of the other spouse wanting to be caught

-also there are two people involved in affair. You may not be able to rely on the OW not developing strong feelings and deciding to tell your DH in the hope that the house of cards falls down and she's left holding the trump cards (ie. gets you).

JoanneInOxford Sat 20-Dec-14 11:46:54

You are all talking much sense. I guess I hear the truth of the advice but am battling with how alive I feel. And I know much of the excitement is probably connected with how taboo this feels - and is

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Sat 20-Dec-14 11:49:20

And you thought joining MN was the right thing to do to talk about this?

JoanneInOxford Sat 20-Dec-14 15:23:27

I've been on MN for ages. Changed my profile for this. Not something I can talk to anyone about

loveareadingthanks Mon 22-Dec-14 11:03:05

Taboo/exciting why? Because it's a homosexual encounter? Or because it's cheating?

Do you think you are really gay/bi and have only just realised this? If this is so, your husband deserves the truth.

Do you think the homosexual part is not that big a factor for you? That it's the cheating that is so exciting? If this is so, your husband deserves the truth.

It's all very well feeling amazing and 'alive', but two people's hearts are going to get broken, two marriages could be destroyed, and the lives of 5 children disrupted.

Get your hormones and excitement under control and do the right thing. Either stop the affair, or tell your husbands and let them decide for themselves if they want to remain with you both.

Rebecca2014 Mon 22-Dec-14 11:42:46

Your situation so risky because you got two husbands here who could find out.

Think about the fall out, do you think you can handle that? think about the five children in the middle of this.

I don't think your get away with the affair for long anyway. Way too many people involved.

Wrapdress Mon 22-Dec-14 12:06:25

I'm going to go against the grain here and say this may not be that big a deal since it's a same sex fling between two otherwise straight women. The husbands may not even care about it or may actually get turned on by it.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 22-Dec-14 12:12:22

wrapdress are you for real?!

Affairs cause unimaginable pain, regardless of the gender! The sex part is only a bit of the pain, it's the deceit, the lies, the selfishness that hurts so much.

To say the husbands might be turned on by it - I have no words!!

loveareadingthanks Mon 22-Dec-14 17:19:40

oh god, the fake lesbian porn thing, Wrapdress, even if the husbands are men who get turned on by that, it's still completely different when it's your wife having a real life affair.

I think an affair hurts, no matter what the genders involved. If your husband/partner started having sex with another man, would it be ok as it's only a same sex fling between two otherwise straight men.

If you are having sex with someone of the same sex, then you are no longer 'straight'. If you are having sex with someone who isn't your husband/committed partner, then you are having an affair. Calling it a 'fling' as though it's something harmless is minimising a horrible situation.

velourvoyageur Mon 22-Dec-14 17:26:18

as a bi woman I find that very offensive wrapdress

WildBillfemale Mon 22-Dec-14 19:22:23

It's an affair,a sympton of something wrong in the primary relationship.

You need to make a decision as to what you want and soon. These situations can drift on until all is discovered and a decisionmay be made for you regarding the situation by others involved and it may not be what you want.

Decide...soon....and concentrate on one relationship only.

JoanneInOxford Tue 23-Dec-14 19:49:56

Elements of what you all say are true. I know we are playing with fire. I have suggested we cool things today. We have Christmas to give us distance and perspective. Perhaps that will help?

JoanneInOxford Mon 29-Dec-14 11:18:59

I spoke to my dh over Christmas and told him I think about women. He asked me if it was anyone specific and I said about it just being fantasies about celebrities or occasionally friends. He said that he had read that was very common, so I went further and asked what he would feel if I actually did something. His answer made be feel guilty - he said as long as I was always honest with him and he and the children always stayed my priority he didn't see it was a huge problem probably! Now what to do?.....

Hobbitwife001 Mon 29-Dec-14 12:00:53

I think he is just saying that from a hypothetical point of view, if he knew that you had already dtd and with a friend of yours, he would be devestated, talking about it and actually doing it are completely different things. He is not giving you permission to have a same sex affair, cheating is cheating whatever the gender involved.

tribpot Mon 29-Dec-14 12:08:18

Would you feel the same way if he had a relationship outside the marriage? If yes, perhaps you talk to him about having an open relationship.

JoanneInOxford Mon 29-Dec-14 14:18:27

I don't think I would tribpot. Which sounds incredibly selfish I know. I've opened Pandora's box haven't I.....?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now