Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Horrible relative has invited herself and her husband to Xmas lunch - argh!

(92 Posts)
intothenevernever Sat 20-Dec-14 05:07:33

Narcissistic, unpleasant aunt has invited herself to lunch. There will already be 15 of us in a small house. Do we just have to grin and bear it? Oh god, we do, don't we.sad Bloody families!!!!!

CinnabarRed Sat 20-Dec-14 05:15:34

What would happen if you said "no, we have no room"?

Or just "no"....

captainweasel Sat 20-Dec-14 05:49:36

Or just didn't answer the door...?

Feel sorry for you. Have had this happen to me. It's not fun. We weren't brave enough at the time to say no. And suffered through the day.

If you can get out of it do. Good luck x

MonsoonAlan Sat 20-Dec-14 06:25:13

How did she invite herself?

financialwizard Sat 20-Dec-14 06:31:19

With Cinnar on this - just say no.

Asleeponasunbeam Sat 20-Dec-14 07:01:42

My mum has recently been surprisingly good at saying no to this sort of thing. She's a very kind woman and wouldn't want anyone to be alone at Christmas, but realised that she was never enjoying her own Christmas because she'd got people around she didn't want (mostly because they were horrid!).

So now she thinks more carefully about who she can manage, and has time to enjoy her own grandchildren too.

It's beginning to be me who has to start saying no now. PIL want us there every year...

FishWithABicycle Sat 20-Dec-14 07:17:22

Who in their right mind invites themselves to Christmas lunch only 5 days before Christmas??? Everything is bought ready and planned for the people you were expecting, you can't just change your plans to accommodate an extra person.

What would happen if you said "I'm sorry it's just not possible to add an extra person at this short notice - it would be lovely to have you next year if you give us more warning!" - you don't need to give further details or justify why it doesn't work for you. Giving detail implies that you accept she has a right to be there and deserves and explanation for not being admitted, so don't engage in any more discussion.

Of course if she accepts the next year option that will be grim by itself but at least with warning you can plan the day to reduce the grimness.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Sat 20-Dec-14 07:28:56

Say no!

HoHonutty Sat 20-Dec-14 07:32:37

How did that happen then?

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 20-Dec-14 07:35:22

No, of course you dont have to grin and bear it, you say 'no can do auntie, the inn is full. And we dont have a stable either'.

ThomasMaraJrsSubpoena Sat 20-Dec-14 07:46:05

Ooohh, I do like the stable reference!

G'mornin' funky.

Blu Sat 20-Dec-14 07:52:03

We have one of those. My siblings and cousins and I have an informal rota for talking to her and keeping her away from the person she preys on. Amongst 15 you should be able to dilute her?

Vivacia Sat 20-Dec-14 08:05:13

I think we need more details, especially relevant is how you know she's invited herself. Has she asked you, or has the message come through someone else?

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 20-Dec-14 08:28:32

Morning all brew

diddl Sat 20-Dec-14 08:29:39

Is that when you say

"if we wanted you there we would have invited you?"

Too much??!!

Hissy Sat 20-Dec-14 08:33:00

when did this happen? if recent, call and say no, no room, no notice and not convenient.

who does this? i'd never invite myself anywhere!

Hissy Sat 20-Dec-14 08:33:56

cheers for the brew Funky! I needed that!

Anniegetyourgun Sat 20-Dec-14 08:43:55

Thing about narcissistic, unpleasant people is that they trade on normal nice people not being able to say "No Fucking Way" to outrageous requests. If they had more consideration they wouldn't ask, but then they wouldn't get their own way, so behaving decently doesn't pay off for them. The fact that nobody really wants them there doesn't bother them the way it would bother you - they just bull in regardless. And because it rewards them, they carry on doing exactly that for ever.

It's easier to say than do, but I think the right answer (admittedly one I'd find difficult too) is to put your foot down. They won't feel hurt or mortified like normal folks, just frustrated, although you can be fairly sure they'll make a big drama about it at some point - with any luck they'll never speak to you again! At least they won't be able to make drama at the Christmas dinner table, because they won't be there. Isn't that a lovely thought?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 20-Dec-14 10:59:59

Horrible relatives who invite themselves to places at Christmas where they are not wanted do not deserve the conventional pleasantries.

"Sorry, no can do. You need to make other arrangements. Bye."

Who cares whether they think you're rude and inhospitable? If they take the hint they may never trouble you again. RESULT!

LittleDonkeyLeftie Sat 20-Dec-14 11:17:01

I don't get these threads which appear this time of year.

Nobody has the right to invite themselves into your home OP.

Just say no, sorry we don't have room enough for more, I am overstretched as it is.

Keep repeating it if necessary.

bloodyteenagers Sat 20-Dec-14 11:39:12

Just say no.
You don't have to bend over because people are family. Treat everyone equally. Someone random knocks on your door, invites themselves for dinner you tell them to jog on.
Same with anyone

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 20-Dec-14 12:15:58

Cheers for the brew Funky! I needed that!

Anytime. It had a double shot in it so you might be feeling ever so slightly hyper today.

Bluebelle38 Sat 20-Dec-14 14:55:53

Say no. No need to be a martyr

VitalStollenFix Sat 20-Dec-14 15:25:11

If you dont want her there then say no.
You dont have room. You dont have enough food. You cant manage any more guests. Etc.
Nice people worry about being rude to horrible people. Bonkers. grin

intothenevernever Sat 20-Dec-14 17:37:49

Odious relative emailed, basically saying 'we will come to lunch at yours, then go to <odious relative husband's> family in the evening.

Suddenly Christmas has gone from being something we were all looking forward to, to something we are all dreading!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now