Have this evening found out that h has been lied to me about an investment property which he has bought

[whatnow2]

which he didn't tell me about at the time.

I found the documents relating to this property along with those of a property I do know he bought (which he was open about) a few months ago, but when I asked him outright if he had bought this shop, he said that he had been planning to but had pulled out. Stupidly I chose to believe him .

Fast forward a few months and I gather from his movements that he has recently started using the premises. The penny dropped because of how defensive he was about where he was going today, obviously trying to hide what was in the boot of the car (which he was bringing there), and then an outright lie he told at the dinner table tonight. He also got very defensive when I asked him for some details telling me to "stop it" and "occupy myself with something else".

So the penny finally dropped. Those documents were real and he has started using the premises. He also lied the other day when I think he was there setting up (he was gone for hours), telling me he was somewhere else when I rang. Except that I could hear a loud radio in the background and the place he was talking (lying) about is a very quiet yoga school.

So then it took the easiest detective work imaginable to confirm what I thought. I found a business rates document at the top of his pile of paperwork left out . I also did a search on the land registry and sure enough the property does belong to him .

I have started a thread about this on AIBU but I don't think I worded it right. I really wanted, if possible, someone's opinion this evening as I have just found out and am a bit shell shocked.

There is stuff about me that h does not know either, but somehow I think his is worse . I can go into my stuff too but I really wanted an opinion on the above before I divulge what is going to take ages to write down.

Bottom line we obviously don't trust each other at all, but being lied to directly like that (and several times) is .

[whatnow2]

sorry about grammatical error in title of thread

[GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit]

I saw your AIBU thread but thought I should answer here. This is HUGE!!! You must be absolutely reeling.

Whether you discover an affair, hidden crimes, secret financial activities or something else, the shock of finding out you don't "know" your partner in life is horrible. In your shoes I'd be gathering rational support - and doing a thorough financial investigation.

I couldn't live with this level of deception, or his contempt. I understand it may be too soon for you to think about LTB, but you certainly need some clear space to let it sink in and collect yourself. Can you pack him off to sleep on one of his futons, or get yourself to friends, family, or a hotel for a few days?

[whatnow2]

Thanks for your message. I certainly can't sleep that's for sure!

My Dad has just arrived in town (he stays at my sister's but we see him lots) for Christmas so nowhere to go as he is here. Don't think h would agree to going anywhere. Have not told him I know and don't really want to for the time being.

Thanks for answering.

[whatnow2]

Agree that I need thinking time.

[vitabrits]

Let's hear about your stuff too

[Egghead68]

Without trust there is no relationship in my book.

[NewEraNewMindset]

The question is why is he lying? Is it purely financial so you don't know his assets or is he using the shop to sell things you wouldn't like, ie a sex shop or a vaping shop or something?

[Justasitis]

Trust is the bedrock of everything ... Once that is gone what is left? What differentiates the relationship from every other interaction we have daily ... Sorry you're going through this

[Fairylea]

I don't understand why he's lying. Does he not want to share finances with you? Do you think he's planning to leave or divorce and is he planning to use the new shop as additional undisclosed asset? Is it something you could afford or has it plunged you into financial hardship and maybe that's why he's kept it a secret? So many questions!

We need to hear your stuff as well.

[RonaldMcFartNuggets]

Turn up there when you know he's there.

[EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh]

He's bought a business and has started running without telling you? That's utterly bizarre. Why???

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Why are you both lying at this level to each other?

[aldinator]

I think it depends on your business situation. For example, if you own several businesses and have different ideas about the direction your want your businesses to take, then I can see he might be drawn into subterfuge to get his own way. My DH runs a complicated business and he often tells me that he is doing X or Y and I freak out that it's a terrible idea and there is probably other stuff he doesn't even tell me about, within the confines of his business.

Is there a reason why you did not want to invest in this particular shop?

[HoHonutty]

Eh? What the fuck is he selling to be so secretive about it?

[DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn]

There is stuff about me that h does not know either, but somehow I think his is worse

Well, you would think that his stuff is worse than yourse wouldn't you? I not entirely sure you have a moral leg to stand on if you have also been keeping secrets from him.

Perhaps you both needs to start being honest with each other. What sort of relationship is built on a basis of secrecy and deceit?

[Bakeoffcakes]

What is he doing in this shop?
That would be my first question.
My second would be to ask if he realises that when you divorce, you will still be untitled to half of it.

[Storytown]

I agree with PP, if DH runs the family business and that involves buying shops then perhaps not unreasonable that he's been just going about this business without telling you all the details, but it doesn't sound like that.

Also as PP said, if you have "big" secrets too he probably knows that, even if he doesn't know what they are, so can justify his own secrets quite easily.

Does he has a job? When will he be running the shop? Does it have a flat above?

[Anniegetyourgun]

It really doesn't sound promising for a future together if one or both of you either choose to, or feel you have to, tell big whopping lies. That is basically the bottom line of it.

(Wishing someone had said this to me 10 years ago...)

[Tryingtobecalm]

This is very strange, why in earth would he start a business without telling you? how is he going to run it, does he have a job?

[PollyIndia]

Not quite the same, but i found out my ex of 6 years had taken a loan out secured on our home having told me 6 months before he was not going to (I saw the paperwork and asked him). For me that was a deal breaker and we broke up and sold the house. We didn't have children so maybe easier to do that. But I just felt I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who would lie about something so big.
This may be different, but I would feel very vulnerable being in a financial relationship with someone who was not honest with me.

[whatnow2]

Thank you for all your posts. Am feeling shell shocked after sleeping very little. Am going to answer in detail after I have drunk a few gallons of tea.

Have told h most of what was my lie by omission (as opposed to his outright to my face deception) this morning (and oddly feel better). He hasn't felt moved to share anything when me however.

Sorry it all sounds so cloak and dagger. Will come back and explain but please be gentle as I am too sensitive for an internet telling off at the best of times and definitely not on 2 hours' sleep.

I really appreciate all your comments and agree that a relationship where there is no honesty is eventually going to collapse.

[whatnow2]

with me

[notapizzaeater]

You must be shell shocked (and knackered now)

[LittleDonkeyLeftie]

How very odd. I can't understand why he would lie to you about this? Do you know why?

If you are married then what's his is also yours, it's a joint marital asset.

[SelfLoathing]

I'm not saying this is the case, but just a heads up for you to think about.

A FOF's husband had been having an affair and she knew nothing about it.
One day he came home out of the blue announced he was leaving and moved out of the family home that day (leaving FOF and their 3 children). He moved into a massive home just round the corner THAT HE HAD SECRETLY BOUGHT. He'd been planning to leave for a while obviously - so much so that he'd bought a house- and we all know how long that can take.

The husband was a very wealthy, high achieving narcissist financial/banker type. His attitude was "I will see the kids whenever I want because I will be just round the corner. They can come by whenever".

Your story reminded me of what happened to this poor woman, I would have a think about whether this is him moving chess pieces around the board to have an exit plan in place when it suits him.