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huband of 6yrs asked to separate

(69 Posts)
mummyoftwingirls Fri 19-Dec-14 23:54:23

apologies, this is a long story, but i feel so lost.

1 week ago my husband and partner of 6 years, father of my twin 3yr old girls, told me he wants to separate. To be more precise, he said he didn�t know how he felt/what he wanted, only knew he couldn�t go on feeling like this; basically he has no self esteem or confidence cos ive knocked it out of him with all my verbal putdowns.

He never once came to me and said �sit down we need to talk� but he says he tried talking to me about how he felt and I always dismissed it out of hand. Maybe I did. Bit I was so wrapped up in my own unhappiness I didn�t see his.

He always promised me he would come to me and talk if there was ever anything wrong, that we�d never let things get �that bad�. We both promised this to each other, and periodically renewed this promise. There were many opportunities for him to approach me at those times and others when I wasn�t het up about something or poorly or just plain fed up.

I tried talking to him about the things that were bothering me but rarely did I feel he understood and there was not much change really. Perhaps difficulty just accepting him as he is was my main problem��but I kept trying to solve any problems and didn�t give up�.
It was always the little things for me. He could never see the importance of the little things or that simply being important to me should have given them some importance to him too. I ended up feeling resentful and fed up and not listened to by him. So I spoke to him like shit. And didn�t listen to him either.

Things weren�t always that bad, they got worse when after trying for a baby for a while we found out I was pregnant with twins. Joyful news although it was a shock. My pregnancy was very difficult, a few complications that had a huge impact on me and consequently affected my husband too. Our babies were fine, the complications just affected me. I was in a lot of pain and had to go off sick from work at 4mths pregnant. We had few friends in the area as wed not long moved there and I became quite isolated and eventually housebound in order to manage the pain. It�s a very hazy memory to me but I must have made life difficult for him too. I was very irritable and just very unhappy and worried about coping with 2 babies.

The birth was also traumatic, as was the postnatal period and I didn�t return to work for a total of 22mths. The babes were fine though. I kept telling myself that it was okay, as long as it was me and not them then id put up with anything. The pain was worth it, I could cope as it would eventually go. It did but it took nearly 2 years. Our girls are the pride and joy for both of us.

We did the childcare between us, I worked on his days off and vice versa�.too expensive any other way and we needed the money so I had to work. Consequently we didn�t see much of each other but it seemed to be going okay, I was on reduced but still full time hours and although I was really tired I enjoyed being back at work.

That was okay until we started needing to do overtime because the flat we had that we couldn�t sell lost its tenant so we had that mortgage money to find as well as our own rent. We were kicked out of one of our rented homes too which made our financial situation even worse; cost of vacating and moving again after only 6mths there etc (prohibitive). Then I had a difficult time with some ill health which looking back I think was related to ongoing work related stress etc but that�s hindsight and only a recent realisation, at the time I just thought I was exhausted.. I had also been left with a pregnancy related problem and this was just beginning to physically impact on my work/ability to do my job.

I had become so unhappy I considered seriously whether we should separate but he would have none of it and after getting to the bottom of some of our problems things began to improve and my feelings for him started to return. Things got better.

Just when our girls turned 3 we were buying our own house and finally moved into it this summer. We were so relieved to finally have our own place. A lovely home to bring up our gorgeous girls. But obviously things werent right. Just before moving, my wrist problem got a lot worse and I was eventually seconded into another role but for a while I was on reduced salary which placed us under even more financial pressure so he worked all the hours he could and I never saw him.

Our relationship was suffering big time and although I was aware of it on one level and tried talking about this because we needed the money his response was �you know why Ive got to work�. Of course I knew, it didn�t change anything though so I grew resentful and kind of gave up I think. Id say something, he wouldn�t reply, id say did you hear? Hed say yes�.id say so answer me then� hed say I did�.id spout off hed spout back id say something like if you don�t like it then you know what you can do��.etc etc.

Words. Just words, but they have been so damaging. I cant take them back. But I never meant them, they were simply my greatest fear.

But he never came to me in quiet time and said we needed to talk.

I feel so let down. So hurt. So utterly heartbroken I cant even describe it adequately.

I know I have to stay strong for my girls but I feel so bereft, so helpless to right things, I love him and I want our family to stay together, as a happy family of course. But hes feeling so hurt himself he can only see how ive made him feel and he feels ill just do it again. He cant see how his actions have also impacted on me.

So now he wants to separate. We have a house that we will lose money on and infact end up with debt due to early redemption fees etc. we already have plenty of debt. Weve just bought a car and paid for a few days in Disney paris and bought a new sofa. Literally just done those things in the last 2 mths.

I feel so very hurt and let down but also livid about the financial situation this will place us in. i wish hed come to me before he felt this bad we could have been trying to sort all our problems without it coming to this but he says i wasnt very approachable�. but most of all I just want my husband to change his mind and say, lets try again and come to some counselling.

JoanHickson Sat 20-Dec-14 00:11:54

Ask him if he will live in the same house until you sort the finances. Can you have separate bedrooms? Don't do his washing or cooking.

IsItTeaYoureLookingFor Sat 20-Dec-14 00:16:34

You've been through a hell of a lot in the last few years OP

Talk to your DH. Tell him what you've said in your post. Is he willing to talk?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 20-Dec-14 00:16:58

Look for Ow. She will be there somewhere or make an appearance very soon

I am sorry

Twinklebells Sat 20-Dec-14 00:18:55

I am sorry but your OP screams OW to me. He never complained before and now all of a sudden he has found all these faults with you. I smell a rat. I would tell him to leave - now.

mummyoftwingirls Sat 20-Dec-14 00:37:42

i think thats a good idea JoanHickson, not sure how long he might do that for, despite everything things are quite amicable at the mo, we both want the best for our girls and want to put them first.

He is willing to talk i think the main prob is finding the time to do it when we are together and not got 2 girls demanding our attention at the same time. (which keeps happeneing...)

there is no other woman. i expect in time there might be if the split goes ahead. but there isnt right now. and yes i do believe that.

Cabs1 Sat 20-Dec-14 00:41:37

I'm in a similar position. No OW (I'm sure) but relationship just deteriorated over time with both of us focussing on work, the house, two DCs and not enough on us. It's so hard to keep it all going, especially with health, money and work issues thrown in. So, firstly you are not alone in this - it happens and it's not your fault. You have been doing your best for your family.

The best advice I was given was focus on what you can control and not on what you can't. So you can't control him, I am sure it's hard to understand him right now, but you can control you. Get support from friends and family, look after yourself, look after your girls, make sure you try to eat and sleep, consider seeing your GP if you feel that would help, take help where it is offered - people can be really kind and want to help, if it helps write a journal - if I couldn't sleep and was going crazy I would just write everything down.

And my mantra is I refuse to be bitter and petty, wallow in self-pity and lose my self-respect. It's difficult but you have DDs together so you have to have contact and you will feel better in yourself for it. I'm not saying you have to be nice to him - just civil and fair, even though he is not.

Who know how this will all come out. He may want to come back, he may not, or you may not want him back. But at least you can look back and say you tried your best at the time and maintained your dignity.

I've only got to this position after a few months since DH left, so right now, don't worry if you are all over the place and be kind and forgiving to yourself.

jasper Sat 20-Dec-14 00:43:21

I hate when people compound an OP's misery with talk of Other Woman.
evidence? zero

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 20-Dec-14 00:47:13

Got any words of wisdom yourself, jasper ?

Or just liking for a row this evening ?

mummyoftwingirls Sat 20-Dec-14 01:10:06

please dont use my post as a place to argue.

Cabs1, was your DH ever willing totry to sort things out and try again?

anothernumberone Sat 20-Dec-14 01:23:59

I wonder OP if he just freaked out that all these hard times that you have both endured are it. That this is the only life you both can have together. I don't believe it is. From what you have described that level of work for you both and battling illness is unsustainable. Obviously you can't do anything about a lot of the sickness but maybe there could be a better work life balance to be struck.

Clearly from all you have described you are an incredibly stong person. I can tell you this for nothing I would have cracked under the strain a long time ago and you never ever did. Because he is leaving there are about to be drastic changes no matter what but a bit of me wonders if there is any possible way you could make those changes together if you were able to work through your difficulties. Anyone with 3 year olds plus will tell you while that is a hard age you are getting so close to where it all starts to get so much easier which will help too.

I wish things were different but as I said above whether it is apparent to you or not you can manage alone if that is what needs to be done. You will be able to apply your strength to that new challenge. I hope there is still some possibility that it works out though it seems a shame that you worked so hard to get this far.

Cabs1 Sat 20-Dec-14 01:29:31

No, not right now and maybe not ever. DH has got his own issues (immensely busy and stressful job) which I believe has added to get him to this breaking point. So he's moved out for 'a break'. I am giving him time to sort these out and hope he gets some perspective back, but also trying to move on and accept it's over. He still says he can't see us getting back together.

At least you have talked in the past and your DH at that time wanted to make it work. Do try to talk (can someone else have your DDs?) and give it time - for you both to work out what you want.

PaisleySheets Sat 20-Dec-14 01:31:03

It sounds like you took him for granted a bit here, and he kept quiet about it and snapped. However, if he has issues within the marriage he is a grown man and needs to bring them to the table before it gets to separation.

As you seem to agree you have been less than fully into the marriage, a separation might be a good idea to give you both time to cool off and for you to listen to his needs and try and provide for them. Vice versa too.

It also sounds stressful and sorry if I sound sexist but I believe men are crap with stress - especially debt. if you have debts, don't be buying sofas, holidays and cars...it just attacks any marriage to live like that.

I don't think there's a reason (yet) to expect OW,but understand why people jump to this conclusion as it is so often the case -so just keep this possibility in the back of your mind

mummyoftwingirls Sat 20-Dec-14 01:40:43

thank you all for your kind words. he is such a wonderfully kind and giving man, generous to a fault and so easy going he is virtually horizontal. these are the qualities i fell in love with, some of them sometimes drive me nuts too but but its allpart of what makes him who he is.....

i love him so very much, my barriers are going up but i dont want them there....im willing to do whatever is needed in order to try to make things work ...

anothernumberone Sat 20-Dec-14 02:08:46

Don't put the barriers up OP. I think you need relationship counselling to try to work to a common vision for a brighter future. That sounds like a real tag line but it is not. You need to be able enjoy your lives again.

I suppose I can see 2 of many scenarios arising, you have the house already and 2 children who are going to enter a much simpler stage of life from your perspective so;

A)You make 2 households and 2 family set ups work. That will be a financially and emotionally demanding task.

B) you both look to cut down work commitments thus cutting down stress and hopefully improving your health while working on your relationship so you both begin to find life rewarding. This is also financially and emotionally demanding but less so I would suspect.

From everything you have written about him and what you have both gone through it is worth trying at least.

YellowTulips Sat 20-Dec-14 02:41:19

Sorry - agree with AF.

Classic signs. sad

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 20-Dec-14 03:45:32

Sorry to say I agree about the possibility of an ow.

Egghead68 Sat 20-Dec-14 06:27:50

Me too I am afraid.

I hope you have some real-life support.

Joysmum Sat 20-Dec-14 07:09:18

I think the only thing that can save this is creating an opportunity of full and frank discussion.

The usual, 'I know things have been extremely hard for a while but I love you and think this is worth working through. Do you?' Is a good opening gambit.

What I certainly would try to avoid doing is barriers because whilst you'll do it to protect yourself, it will prevent openess and work again your chances of opening the communication channels of fixing this.

Twinklebells Sat 20-Dec-14 08:35:18

I would have laid my life down so sure was I there was no other woman - there were in fact several. So please don't brush aside the possibility. There is a script and he is following it to the letter.

The reason we say this is a warning. You say you are willing to do anything to make it work - well there you are, doormat territory and the pick me dance. Please have some self respect and dignity. He should be the one fixing this - but he isn't is he. He has told you what he is and what he wants - please listen to him. Blaming you for him needing to go - self justification etc. So don't just ignore and brush aside the warnings. Start protecting yourself - and fast. I would love to be wrong - sadly, never have been.

AuntieStella Sat 20-Dec-14 09:17:02

I don't think the scenario shrieks OW.

I see a massive communication problem which has been going on for years, and that what the OP sees as finally getting to where she wants to be, he sees as trap he can no longer bear.

OP says that she didn't even notice when he tried to raise what made him miserable. She still doesn't know why it got that bad. She knows the objective parts, like the long work hours, the never seeing each other and the general lack of talking, and that this has been going on for some years.

The only way forward in this is to deal with exactly what he says. He wants out. You need to fix the admin so this can happen.

There isn't a magic wand that will change someone's mind, or fix a communication problem. You need to look after you. You might find talking things through with a counsellor helps, and practical steps such as working out the budgets and the admin for your new course in life could be empowering.

One of the important things to do is to make sure he has your DTS regularly. It's in their interests to maintain a relationship with their father, but also very much in yours to get some time to yourself and do some things that you enjoy every now and agin. It sounds like that has been missing from both your and his lives for quite a long time now. You couldn't achieve it together, but don't deprioritise now either.

Perhaps, if you both reach a state where you are living well, you will both come to the realisation that you can live even better together. But getting yourself to the point where you are living well is the key thing.

NeitherHereOrThere Sat 20-Dec-14 09:17:25

Another one here who agrees that he is saying and showing all the classic stuff of a cheater sad

Your best option is to let him go - begging and clinging to him will NOT work. Loss is the only thing that motivates people like him and is the only thing that is likely to bring him to his senses - loss of his home comforts, family life, respect of his friends and relatives etc.

Be dignified and tell him that space is what you both need.

NeitherHereOrThere Sat 20-Dec-14 09:19:12

And take steps to make improvements in your life and to strengthen your position.

Twinklebells Sat 20-Dec-14 09:51:37

maybe she didn't notice him trying to talk to her because he didn't actually try to talk at all....

magoria Sat 20-Dec-14 10:43:49

I am not sure this screams OW it sounds like two people who have had a massively difficult few years.

Perhaps you can use this as a couple for a kick up the arse and find a way to reconnect.

Maybe some counselling so you can learn to listen to each other and not speak to each other like shit.

Also maybe some financial advise to sort out all the debts and stop you getting into more.

It may be too late and all the counselling does it help split more amicably.

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