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Still furious with ea ex, please help me calm down and start being normal again

(25 Posts)
iloverunning36 Fri 19-Dec-14 22:57:45

I left my ea, fa and va husband over 2 months ago. I ended up making plans secretly after a couple of unsuccessful attempts to leave. We went to marriage guidance but he was lying during counselling and I realised he wouldn't change and rented a place. This was a real shock to him as I've always been under his spell and he thought he would have me back for Christmas and he would just "make more effort" I am finding it hard for the following reasons:

- in the festive season everyone in the media appears to be happy and I am mourning the person I thought he was (and could be sometimes)

-the house I am in is very small and things keep going wrong for me (flat tyre/jammed door where I needed to get a locksmith out/baby getting up at 5am/broken boiler etc etc and I have to cope with 3 kids while he is still in a lovely big warm house and has just bought himself a 20k BMW while pretending to be heartbroken about me leaving.

- he uses my eBay account and bought himself a book called " Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" so clearly this is going to go down in history as all my fault while he paints himself as the victim.

- he refuses to admit that he is abusive as his stepfather was and he is not the same. He is just depressed/taken too much on/I am very difficult to live with

- he always bought my 2 kids from previous relationship Santa presents and I would give him money. He is now keeping the gifts he has bought to give to them himself and I don't know if the stuff I've ordered will arrive in time(plus how to wrap it with a 10 month old who is scared of sellotape and no where to hide it in a tiny house with no storage)

- I am fairly certain he is dating again whilst painting me as this evil woman who has left him for virtually no reason.

He has the baby tonight but always has him at a different time to when my other 2 are with their dad thus I never get a break and it's been sooo stressful moving house twice. He wants me to pick the baby up at 9 as he has a works day out tomorrow. I have just seen a red mist as I don't think it's fair he gets to go for a day out when I've not had a freaking day off since baby was born and last night out was my hen night in 2013 and he collected me at 10pm. I told him he can keep him tomorrow as I'm having a day to myself. (Thwarting his night out but I actually feel like I am mad and have thought maybe baby would be better off in care as he broke me down telling me I am incapable of showing love so am worried in going to pass on all my deficiencies to ds) I was literally shaking with rage. I don't like the person I am now. How can I drop the rage?

Thanks. All answers appreciated.

GingerbreadPudding Fri 19-Dec-14 23:17:38

Decide on the persona you're going to project to him (can I suggest a mantra - strong, capable woman) and act it whenever you see or have contact with him. Maybe even list the things you wish you were but right now have to act - happy, comfortable with your decision, facing a brighter future etc. at least then you don't have to think about 'he's amazingly happy and I'm struggling,' and worrying what he thinks about that. (For the record, it doesn't matter how he's coping, he's a dick and will get what's coming to him one day).

Then cope with the rest of the emotion with friends, through writing it down, on here or in a diary as there will be days you are drowning, days when you're trading water and woke days when you realise you're actually swimming. Don't let the bad days derail you, a good one is coming along.

Really focus on the little stuff. I remember when I was in the worst mess I can imagine, I'd take the dog for a walk in the morning and get tearful about frosty grass or a sunrise - cheesy I know - I used to say that that was just for me, something beautiful that some higher power had done just for me.

Take good care. thanksthanksthanksthanksthanks

Hissy Fri 19-Dec-14 23:19:57

the anger is a part of your recovery.

feel it, process it, understand it, express it and then put it back.

talk to yourself, pretend to have conversations with him, tell him what you want to tell him, get it out.

you are free of him. you can tell him when the little one is available, and when it works for you.

Hissy Fri 19-Dec-14 23:23:17

oh and change the fecking ebay password! smile

life is life, things go wrong, and we have to fix them, but you learn, you grow andd you'll never have to have him dictate your liffe again, you're showing your children what NOT to accept... that's the best of this, you're breaking the chain.

CogitOIOIO Fri 19-Dec-14 23:27:22

You're to be admired for making the break physically but I think you now have to work on breaking away mentally. You appear to be very accommodating, for example, and an abusive man will exploit any points of contact (such as access to children) in order to keep twisting the knife.

Do you have legal representstion?

CogitOIOIO Fri 19-Dec-14 23:42:20

You might benefit from the Freedom Programme. Emotional abuse or coercive control has long-lasting negative effects making it difficult to properly detach and progress.

dadwood Fri 19-Dec-14 23:42:58

Hi iloverunning36 No amount of BMWs or the realtive warmth of his house are going to make up for your ex being a horrible person. I know it's not fair that things appear to be easier for him at the moment, but his friendships and relationships are never going to be as authentic as yours, no matter how hard he tries. No wonder he values the car!

As other pps have said, you are going through the rage stage, but in the end you'll probably decide that he isn't worth your rage and you'll use that energy for running (I guess from you username) or something else nice instead.

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Dec-14 08:22:29

Thanks all. I've never been this angry. I've seen a solicitor once and know that we will both walk away with what we originally had which is fair enough but now the mortgage laws have tightened up it's unlikiely I'll ever be able to afford to buy again and renting is very expensive so I am in a very small 2 bedroom place with my 2 older children in one bedroom and me and the baby in the other. If I go back to work all my earnings will go on childcare and rent. My stbxh is talking about moving further away so he can live mortgage free. This would mean him seeing his son less and I feel that with the older 2 having regular contact with their loving father my baby will grow up feeling second rate. Also I just feel so broken with everything my ex has said to me, like I'm a terrible person and that maybe the baby would be better off without me as he could be adopted into a loving family and get his own room and be cherished by 2 parents.

Hissy Sat 20-Dec-14 08:30:24

it's ok, it will be ok. this stuff is hard.

as I say the rage will pass, I know it'ss scary because you've been told that you're 'not allowed' to be angry.

well you are and you should be. for a while. talk it out, even if to yourself.

trust me, the best chance in life your children have is with you, and away from an abusive parent.

things will get easier.

contact woman's aid for advise. they may be able to advise on benefits/tax credits and help with childcare. it's not as bleak as you think it is right now.

the freedom prgram's a good idea, see if you can find a group that's running. you need to know people that understand you.

Hissy Sat 20-Dec-14 08:31:11

sorry about typing/spelling. not got up yet, need coffee! smile

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Dec-14 08:34:08

Thanks. I'm getting counselling through women's aid. Ive read the book relating to the freedom programme (living with the dominator) and the Lundy book. I keep thinking I'm better then he says or does something else and it sets me off again.

wantsaneasylife Sat 20-Dec-14 08:35:59

I'm refereeing breakfast for a toddler so can't write much but I didn't want ti read and rub. Your baby needs you. To your baby, you are the best thing since sliced bread. Honestly. The baby doesn't care how much space there is, he/she just cares that you're there. You sound like a very strong and capable woman, if a little battered and frazzled right now. Rant away here and know that in x amount of time, you'll look back on this as a great turning point in your life, for the better. Hugs.

wantsaneasylife Sat 20-Dec-14 08:36:56

to read and run, ffs

tribpot Sat 20-Dec-14 08:37:59

Seems unlikely that the split would be based on the assets prior to the marriage when there is a child to consider? I would get yourself some more legal advice.

You need to change your eBay password immediately, why would you allow him access to your personal stuff in that way?

You desperately need a break. Is there anyone who could take the children for you for a night? Or take the baby whilst the older kids are with their dad?

How he paints the end of the relationship is irrelevant. He is an abuser. Some people will never see that about him but you have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. Tell people what he did. Painting himself as the victim is part of the same abusive lie that kept you under control for years. You see it for what it is now - a sham. Ignore it.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 20-Dec-14 08:40:45

Can you change the access so that the kids go on the same weekend?

Change the passwords.

Do you need a better solicitor to get him out of the house and you back in?

Are you getting the correct maintenance money?

Thebluedog Sat 20-Dec-14 08:40:57

A few practical things

Change your eBay password - I bet the books go straight in the bin when he gets them, it's all part of his game

Look at the freedom program via
Woman's aid

You get child tax credits if you do go back to work to help with childcare. My childcare costs are more than my mortgage, but I get 70% back via tax credits. I also use my childminder for the occasional bit of baby sitting for some, much needed 'me' time.

Your house might be smaller, but he's not there and you can come and go as you please grin

As others have said, select the person you're going to be when you have any contact with him and stick to it, strong, capable woman! grin

I've been where you are, including things going wrong (think car breaking, washing machine etc), things will be great soon, anger is good, use it, YOU are in control of your life now smile

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Dec-14 08:49:34

Thank you. He is keeping baby until Monday. He will take him to his mums and go on his day out I reckon. I'm going to spend the morning doing some of the practical things described above and the afternoon going to the gym. I hope I get my baby back on Monday and ex doesn't use how furious I was last night against me.

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Dec-14 08:49:52

To prove I'm crazy

Handywoman Sat 20-Dec-14 14:07:28

Hi OP, I broke away from a similarly abusive man. This was 18months ago.

You have done the most important bit: leaving him. But you are at the very beginning in terms of emotionally disentangling yourself from him. Abusive men like him live their life in 'victim mode'. This denies you the chance of closure, making emotional recovery very long, slow and hard, hard work. Once you have recovered a lot more you will start to value yourself enough to make changes to access arrangements and give yourself some time to rest and recharge. You are now the absolute linchpin of your family unit. Your kids adore you: you have given them a real gift by leaving this man.

Cherish your wonderful new family unit. Every time your attention turns to him and what he might 'think' or 'do', banish those thoughts from your mind.

Use your anger to cut all ties starting with the eBay password.

Get yourself proper legal representation.

So glad you are getting help from Women's Aid.

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Dec-14 17:16:59

I've changed the password. He phoned asking if I wanted to go for tea and cried about his loss of his wife and son. Now I am back to feeling sorry for him and liking this house better now I've done more cleaning and unpacking. Thanks all. I felt really mad last night. confused

iloverunning36 Sat 20-Dec-14 17:19:19

And also quite smug today as baby was up every hour during the night and I finally got a decent nights sleep. grin

hiphoplollipop30 Sat 20-Dec-14 17:26:33

I think he bought that book on purpose because he knew you'd see it - he won't even read it.

Thats what I automatically thought when I read that part.

Handywoman Sat 20-Dec-14 18:57:01

You listened to him crying on the phone?? Urgh, more abuse. Next time that happens, hang up. Difficult, I've been there, it's awful. Your new mantra is: detach, detach, detach.

Very glad to hear you slept well while the baby kept him up smile

tribpot Sun 21-Dec-14 06:58:24

So he feels sorry for himself. That you left because of his abusive nature? Diddums. He doesn't feel sorry for you managing in a tiny flat whilst he swans about in his brand new BMW, I note.

43percentburnt Sun 21-Dec-14 07:16:58

Speak to a good matrimonial solicitor, living mortgage free means there are assets, new bmw means assets. Someone on mumsnet will have a recommendation, I suggest you do this ASAP. He will tell you not to spend too much on a solicitor blah blah blah. You are a gold digger, only after his money etc. Take what you are entitled to

Put on an act when you see him. See it as a game.

Don't feel sorry for him, he wants you to come back, then he will be even worse as he will hate you for leaving. He won't give you the presents to give to your kids - this is the true man he is. He stayed in the family home making you and the kids live in cramped accommodation. Nice.

When you feel low, remember the type of man he is. He is buying cars, talking about moving home, buying books, not giving you the gifts etc to make you go back. It is part of his game plan. He takes baby on a different weekend so you cannot go out, it's deliberate. Tell him that the older kids dad is swapping weekends from next year and you are going out and I bet he has an excuse not to have the baby! Try and have a chuckle about it. Try and see through it. Post on here and ask why he is doing it.

Next time he cries tell him to cry to someone who cares. Maybe the bmw dealership with give him a cuddle.

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