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I need some advice and support

(7 Posts)
holdmyhand123 Fri 19-Dec-14 11:39:52

Regular but new account. And I don't know if this is the right place for this.

Biggest mess of my life to date. And it's been a messy life. Found out 2 weeks ago I am pregnant. It's exH's baby. My only thoughts were, despite the circumstances, I'm having a baby. He found out. In a way that sort of proves he is as nasty as I believed and as I have been told about by people on here.

When I found out, I thought, I've done this by myself before - he left when I was pg with my youngest and I did it myself. But this time I am facing a potential complicated pregnancy again with a toddler who I am still breastfeeding. And a very demanding job that I need to prove myself in.

He says if I terminate that he will support me and we will rebuild our relationship. But he won't even talk to me about it properly. And I don't trust him. He's let me down over and over again. But if I have the baby then he has said he refuses to be named on birth certificate and will have nothing to do with me ever again.

I am crying at the prospect of killing my baby. And that is what it feels like to me. A family member is due almost the same day as me. Another girl at work is pregnant and single.

I need a flipping arse kicking for being so stupid as to fall into bed with him. I was on the pill. I thought it was "safe". Obviously not. My head is misfiring. I think that I think I love him, that we have this amazing attraction, but I think that I am wrong. I think I am broken and he enjoys the power he has over me.

I am so so afraid. I am scared for my DCs having a mum in hospital for months with pregnancy complications and I am scared for my DCs having a mum who has a breakdown over an unwanted termination. I am scared for myself for still being so stupidly fixated on my ex.

I don't know what to do. Is it even fair to bring a baby into the world knowing that they are rejected by their father even before birth? Who will never know who their dad is?

I have been crying for the last week. And being so sick.

CogitOIOIO Fri 19-Dec-14 11:47:04

There's really no point berating yourself at this stage. What's done is done and it's the future that can be changed, not the past. If you don't trust the man you're obviously not going to get back into a relationship with him. A baby who doesn't know their father doesn't miss them. A father that wants nothing to do with their own child is not someone you want in your life. So let's consign him to history as a first step. He's not really relevant to the decision.

And the decision appears to have been made i.e. you're going to have another baby. There are big obstacles and challenges to overcome, you're going to need practical and other help and you've got several months to prepare yourself, your work, your support network etc. It may mean some changes. It could be an opportunity for a fresh start.

Do you have friends or family that you can talk to?

muddylettuce Fri 19-Dec-14 14:15:51

Do not go back to this man, baby or no baby. X

holdmyhand123 Fri 19-Dec-14 15:34:01

I wish it was so easy for me to process the logic of why I should not still be entertaining the thought of being with exH. I've been trying to get out of this "pull" for 2 years now. I manage it, and then it's like fingers are clicked and I'm back under his thrall.

I don't have RL support, not really. No family support (toxic relationship with "D"M), no time for friendships (single mum to three who works long hours to pay for their upkeep, and when not working, spending quality time with them).

My first step HAS to be to consign him to history, you are right. I just wish I could. For good. I've tried and tried - it feels like he is a bad drug and I am a weak addict. And I am not even addicted to him - he's arrogant, and selfish, and a total nob in truth. I am addicted to the hope that what he promised in the beginning was real, was true, and that one day he will be who I thought he was.

Logic says, if he loved me, as he says he does, he would not force me into a termination. If he loved me, he would support me regardless. But he says, if I loved him I'd let him have a choice. See it's messy isn't it.

LittleDonkeyLeftie Fri 19-Dec-14 18:57:48

I agree with PP re disregarding everything he says - you cannot trust him and he sounds like a manipulative arsehole.

You refer to him as XH. Are you actually divorced? If not then I think you can just put his name on the birth certificate anyway, without his permission. That certainly used to be the case but I am an old gimmer and it may have changed.

He will never be the man you want him to be. He just isn't. Good luck with your pregnancy thanks

TheHoneyBadger Fri 19-Dec-14 19:39:25

name on birth cert or not makes no difference in terms of child maintenance btw - you apply to csa, if he denies parentage he has to take a dna test that's all. not saying this is your concern but wondering if he's naive enough to think no name means no financial responsibility.

i think you need to make a decision about the baby totally separate from your thoughts/feelings about him and with the assumption you would be doing it alone. so basically a decision as to what is best for you, your children and this potential child.

somehow you need to remove him mentally from the picture long enough to make a thought out decision. as you say neither way is easy or without consequences. i'm really sorry you're in this position.

nicenewdusters Fri 19-Dec-14 20:20:20

Op, the choice he has given you is not a choice. He is telling you to have a termination, but dressing it up as a choice. Either way you suffer. The only decision you need to make is not to have him in your life.

You say that you think you love him. If he loved you he would never place you in such a dreadful position. Please be strong and find the strength to walk away from him.

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