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Staying together for kids?

(15 Posts)
ConfusedAndScaredAndCrap Thu 18-Dec-14 22:01:30

Hi guys, simply confused and going crazy in my head. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband that I no longer love, he doesnt love me either but we are staying together for the kids. Its hard.... Anybody been there and done that?
I'm 30 btw and he is 40

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 22:21:08

It's not usually a good strategy, unfortunately. Are you civil and pleasant to each other, even though there is no love? Will you be technically separated? Able to date other people?

ConfusedAndScaredAndCrap Thu 18-Dec-14 22:38:52

We r civil most of the time but I'm starting to go crazy in my head and I snap or I'm just icy cold to him :/
But whats the alternative?
I'm sahm girls are small, he is much nicer to me then I'm to him

CogitOIOIO Fri 19-Dec-14 00:03:06

The alternatives are either to radically improve the relationship or go for a clean break. There's quite a lot of debate about what's best for the children in this kind of situation but it's pretty well accepted that parents being together or apart, family under one roof or several, is not as important as the environment they grow up in. A halfway house with a strained or hostile atmosphere is quite damaging

shadowfax07 Fri 19-Dec-14 00:30:29

My parents finally got divorced when I was seven (my father had at least one affair, if not more), I listened to them arguing for years prior to that when they thought I was asleep in bed. I can't stand conflict even now, over 30 years later and will do anything to avoid it.

Please don't subject your children to what I went through, it was truly awful and has very much left me damaged.

bunchoffives Fri 19-Dec-14 00:31:03

I'm not surprised you feel you are going crazy, you are basically forcing yourself to live a lie, to act in a way contrary to how you feel. That is a tremendous amount of strain and pressure to put yourself under every day.

I think you are beginning to see that you cannot keep up the pretense and bear the stress of trying to do so? It won't benefit your DC if you are very stressed and unhappy.

MrsRhettButler Fri 19-Dec-14 00:37:10

If I could go back I'd split with dp about 6 years earlier than I actually did.
Dd1 suffered more because we kept on trying I think.
I must admit though, I'm glad for the close relationship my dc have with their dad because of the time spent together in the home so it's a hard decision to make

Mom2K Fri 19-Dec-14 03:16:01

Do not stay together for the kids. That's the worst thing you can do, especially if the environment is strained. Plus, think about what you are teaching them concerning relationships. Would you want your own children to remain in an unhappy environment just because that's what you did?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Dec-14 07:33:35

All that will teach your daughters is that a loveless marriage is their "norm" and a behaviour they could well go onto replicate themselves. You also cannot burden a child with a choice that you made.
They won't say to either of you, "thanks mum and dad" for staying together; they will instead look at the two of you and think you were both utterly selfish in the extreme and wonder as well why you did not separate years earlier (and thus making their own childhoods on an emotional level miserable in the process). They will have and show particular scorn for you as their mother, they know that you are both in your respective miseries now.

What if one or both of you meet someone else?.

Children should not be used as glue to keep the two of you together. You no longer love each other.

CarryOn90 Fri 19-Dec-14 07:38:12

Surely it's far better to grow up with parents who are seperated then in a tense and hostile environment?
Havig two loving parents that live apart won't damage them

CarryOn90 Fri 19-Dec-14 07:40:10

*All that will teach your daughters is that a loveless marriage is their "norm" and a behaviour they could well go onto replicate themselves. You also cannot burden a child with a choice that you made.
They won't say to either of you, "thanks mum and dad" for staying together; they will instead look at the two of you and think you were both utterly selfish in the extreme and wonder as well why you did not separate years earlier (and thus making their own childhoods on an emotional level miserable in the process). They will have and show particular scorn for you as their mother, they know that you are both in your respective miseries now. *

Exactly what Attila said.

My parents did it and I think it was weak and stupid.

My dad admits he didn't want to leave because then he would only see me at weekends, which is fair enough but ultimately a selfish decision.

CalleighDoodle Fri 19-Dec-14 07:49:45

Try relationship counselling first. See if you can rebuild. If you still feel the same then walk away.

meadowquark Fri 19-Dec-14 08:27:18

This is so sad. I am in the same position myself. My H does not want to leave as he will 'miss the kids'. I have no courage to chuck him out. H almost left once and I was looking forward to it for a fresh start. I am the one for keep on trying, but even I see that enoughnis enough. The only thing I can advise, do it when you are ready (mentally, practically). That moment always comes even if you are unsure at the moment.

dominogocatgo Fri 19-Dec-14 09:10:08

If you can be civil and are able to co-parent successfully, then there is no reason for it to negatively impact your children. Yes, you'd be demonstrating to them a relationship model that would be less than perfect, but that would also be the case if either you, or their father, moved out of the family home.

ConfusedAndScaredAndCrap Fri 19-Dec-14 20:44:22

Thank u for your replies. For your time and wisdom.
I feel trapped financially and emotionally - girls love their daddy, but I feel ice cold when I wake up next to him in the morning sad

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