I have NC, I am a regular here.
I don't know where to start, sorry if its garbled. I have been with DH for 18 years and we have two dcs, 10 and 15. Nine years ago he did something which really upset me and I have never really wanted to forgive and I shall never forget. For the first 9 years of the relationship he watched porn whilst knowing that I really felt unhappy with this. He agreed to stop. I would suss and check and find it all over again. This cycle continued until eventually I found him on dating sites and adult hook up sites. I threw him out and felt nothing but relief. However two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with dc 2 now aged 10.
I cannot and I never will forgive him or completely trust him.
But I fear I have probably done worse. I have been so unhappy, so alone, for the last nine years, always wanted to leave but somehow thinking that staying was better for my children.
A year ago I met OM, I have tried to end it, I have gone no contact, I have once in August tried to end things with DH. I feel so torn. DH wants to keep trying at this relationship even when I told him what I had done. OM says he loves me and won't stay away. I feel I should be loyal to DH and my children but I can't not have OM in my life. He is the only man I could honestly say that I am in love with. I have never been in love before. I know that he is the person I want to be with forever.
I can't get DH to agree to leave, he refuses. I am scared to cope on my own as I have a very small income, I am frightened that he will sit here making me suffer, and I actually feel intimidated.
I just need to talk to someone because I need someone to tell me it is OK to leave this relationship. Somehow the guilt makes me feel that I don't deserve to be happy.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I have done something awful and I need to be brave
TheGuiltEatsMe · 18/12/2014 21:07
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