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I have done something awful and I need to be brave

(103 Posts)
TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:07:23

I have NC, I am a regular here.

I don't know where to start, sorry if its garbled. I have been with DH for 18 years and we have two dcs, 10 and 15. Nine years ago he did something which really upset me and I have never really wanted to forgive and I shall never forget. For the first 9 years of the relationship he watched porn whilst knowing that I really felt unhappy with this. He agreed to stop. I would suss and check and find it all over again. This cycle continued until eventually I found him on dating sites and adult hook up sites. I threw him out and felt nothing but relief. However two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with dc 2 now aged 10.

I cannot and I never will forgive him or completely trust him.

But I fear I have probably done worse. I have been so unhappy, so alone, for the last nine years, always wanted to leave but somehow thinking that staying was better for my children.

A year ago I met OM, I have tried to end it, I have gone no contact, I have once in August tried to end things with DH. I feel so torn. DH wants to keep trying at this relationship even when I told him what I had done. OM says he loves me and won't stay away. I feel I should be loyal to DH and my children but I can't not have OM in my life. He is the only man I could honestly say that I am in love with. I have never been in love before. I know that he is the person I want to be with forever.

I can't get DH to agree to leave, he refuses. I am scared to cope on my own as I have a very small income, I am frightened that he will sit here making me suffer, and I actually feel intimidated.

I just need to talk to someone because I need someone to tell me it is OK to leave this relationship. Somehow the guilt makes me feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

NorksAreMessy Thu 18-Dec-14 21:12:29

It is ok to leave your marriage.
You deserve to be happy.
You should not be made to suffer.
You should not be intimidated.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 18-Dec-14 21:14:52

You're free to leave any relationship you want to. 'Staying for the kids' is never enough of a reason.

If you divorce your husband I'm sure you would get maintenance plus assets.
It's okay.

Fallandfly Thu 18-Dec-14 21:15:31

You do not need to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Money sorts itself out and your children will be happier with a happy mother. The OM, well you really need to take him out of the equation. Leave because it is not right not for someone else. Go NC if at all possible. Maybe down the line it will work itself out but right now it just muddies the water and distracts you from the real issues.

handywoman203 Thu 18-Dec-14 21:17:20

you don't need to be guilty. just sounds like a sad unhappy mess for everyone right now but it will shake out ... no advise except take it easy on yourself and everyone else. you will find your way

TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:22:28

Thank you. RL friends think DH is marvellous and to all outside of this relationship we probably seem like the perfect couple. I have worked very hard in nine years to make home happy and make it work. I just feel broken now.

OM and I talked more seriously in Aug, he wanted me to deal with DH situation but he didn't explicitly say because he wants to be with me. He tells me he wants "this forever" and "make babies" which I guess is his way of saying it. I have tried to end it four times, but I love him. I am not prepared to give him up, if he walked away I would have to accept it.

I have tried not to confuse the two issues. I know in my head they are separate for me. But for DH and OM they are not separate issues. DH would rather have me and have me unhappy than not have me.

My children have no idea, I just can't imagine what this will do to them sad

messyisthenewtidy Thu 18-Dec-14 21:23:14

Can I quote a movie at you?

"You only have one life. You can either make it chicken shit or chicken salad!"

Besides your DH sounds a bit of a knob.

HTH. smile

messyisthenewtidy Thu 18-Dec-14 21:25:13

Seriously your kids will survive. Lots of parents are divorced these days and it is better for them to see a happy healthy relationship than to see you settle for a man who has let you down.

TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:31:35

I know he has let me down. Sometimes I think he has stayed because I make it so nice and so easy. But he has changed since Aug and has really been trying to make me happy. This just makes me feel worse. I feel I owe it to him to try again. He makes me feel that he did those things and made me so sad because he wasn't mature enough, he has grown up and changed. Can people change that much?

I'm a student with another 18 months to go, I just don't know how I will cope. That is if I can get DH to even leave. In Aug he refused to leave and said that we could live under the same roof for the DC. He then proceeded to upset me, belittle me, watch me, check phones, pc, emails, shout or ignore me. It was horrid. I cried almost everyday until I eventually relented and said OK, we can try. I felt so worn down by the nastiness.

messyisthenewtidy Thu 18-Dec-14 21:39:06

The refusal situation is tough but you need to be firm and he will see that you're not going to change. It will be nasty for a while though.

I do think people can mature of course but it seems like you love this OM beyond the issues of porn with your DH.

Windywenceslas Thu 18-Dec-14 21:39:33

Put the OM to one side for now and figure out what you want. You can't stay in a marriage if it makes you unhappy, it will make your DC unhappy eventually.

Your DH doesn't deserve your fidelity in a way, but if you chose to stay in the marriage it should have been on the basis of moving forward. You have tried and it hasn't worked out, you can't forgive, can't forget, but what you're experiencing at the moment is the realisation that two wrongs don't make a right, it's just complicating things further.

I feel for you, I really do, but it sounds like it's decision time for you.

WannaBe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:41:13

op, nobody has to stay in an unhappy marriage.

But two wrongs don't make a right.

I understand that you have felt lonely and desperate and that because of that you have become involved with someone else, but regardless of what your dh has done in the past there is no justification for an affair, none. Not judging the fact that you're seeing someone else, affairs happen and tey're rarely black and white. but an affair just makes everything else far more merky, and puts as much of the blame for the end of the marriage on to you as on your dh.

You have to end this affair and then you need to sort out your marriage. End the marriage if you want to, but do it cleanly without the existance of another man in the picture. If he's the one he'll still be around in six/twelve months time when you've cleanly ended your marriage and are ready to move on. Right now you're really not in a position to know whether you genuinely love this man, you might, but equally you may realise once you're on your own that he made you see what life could be like with someone else, but distance may make you realise that that wasn't him. If he is genuine he will wait until you've sorted out your separation from your dh, put your children first and given things time to settle down.

Mom2K Thu 18-Dec-14 21:43:29

You should most definitely leave your marriage. Your DH has repeatedly broken your trust in the early stages of your marriage, and for a long period of time...and then as you said he progressed to dating sites. You don't love him. OM aside - your marriage is not working and you are unhappy.

Staying for the children is the worst reason to stay in a relationship. Usually they end up picking up the unhappy vibes, or else they'll think an unhappy relationship is normal and possibly repeat the pattern with their future partners.

It's ok to go end it.

WannaBe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:47:58

op, he is checking your phone and email and pc because you're cheating on him. No man in your situation would get any kind of sympathy on here.

If dh refuses to leave then you leave. You're the one who wants out of the marriage, therefore you're the one who should leave.

You do have choices, don't use dh's past behavior as an excuse to carry on living with him but carry on with an affair at the same time.

Imagine if a woman came on here and said that her dh wanted her to leave because he's been so unhappy over the past nine years because of her previous behavior and now he's seeing someone else. What kind of response do you think she would get?

You have responsibilities here too op. You don't deserve to be hurt by your dh but equally he doesn't deserve to be cheated on either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:48:43

messyisthenewtidy... Is that from "Cousins" with Ted Danson and Isabella Rosselini... and the late, great Lloyd Bridges from whence came the quote? Fab film.

Sorry OP, butted in there. You're free to end your marriage if that's what you want to do. The only thing that niggles me is that OM said he 'wouldn't leave you alone'. He would if you wanted him to, wouldn't he? If you say 'yes', then that's fine. Best wishes to you. smile

TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:53:04

I have tried to put OM to one side.

Two wrongs do not make a right. What is interesting and finally makes me realise I can't keep trying is this. I feel guilty, dh doesn't feel bad for all the time he upset me, all the deceit and lies because he is selfish. He wants to forget about it all. I can't.

How can I finish this without it turning really nasty. I can't cope with shouting and arguing. I used to, I just can't I end up ill. I have ongoing health condition that flares up with stress and leaves me very ill. Its linked to allergies.

I have just realised that all the times I appear to forgive, try to keep the peace, try to be nice and make it work, shut up, say little, avoid conflct, that is what people call walking on egg shells isn't it .

Ohfourfoxache Thu 18-Dec-14 21:53:35

You have to end it with your husband. You're not happy, you're never going to forgive/forget and staying together for the dc is really not setting a good example of how a relationship should be.

Whether or not you continue with OM is a completely separate issue.

TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:58:15

WannaBe, I am not using his behaviour as an excuse. Really I have tried. My children are happy and so is Dh. I am not and I feel guilt and sadness.

I would give up OM if i thought that would allieviate my guilt. It doesn't I just feel more hopeless.

TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 21:59:33

I shall have to paint happy face on over christmas..again. I just feel like crying.

trappedinsuburbia Thu 18-Dec-14 22:00:23

What Wannabee said, end it with both.

TheGuiltEatsMe Thu 18-Dec-14 22:04:16

I have little will to do anything if I can't be with OM sad I am 40 years of age. I have had three LTR, wasn't in love with any of them. How can I reconcile myself to not seeing him.

ellyholmes Thu 18-Dec-14 22:40:54

Have you thought of going to relate with your dh. Perhaps having someone supportive listening to you both might help you sort out what to do next. If you do decide to leave, they can help you continue to have a relationship where both of you work together to make things okay for your kids, while not being married any more.
Good luck. Don't give up on being happy. x x x

bunchoffives Fri 19-Dec-14 01:29:16

Why not take a break with OM while you leave H? Act with integrity.

magpieginglebells Fri 19-Dec-14 04:22:37

I agree with the others, two wrongs don't make a right. I also think as it is you who wants out then you should leave.

Staying together for the kids never works. They will know this, children pick up on it.

Coyoacan Fri 19-Dec-14 05:05:04

You sound so unhappy, OP. How can your children not pick up on this? For the sake of your children, end this marriage.

If it was a childless couple I would also agree that the OP be the one should to move out, but I don't know here what is for the best of the children. You could OP start making plans for moving out. Checking up on benefits, tax credits, whatever, for example.

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