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Friend involved with married man...

(16 Posts)
candyce83 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:29:59

So my friend has been in a LDR for the past year with a man that lives in Canada. He's a bipolar stay at home dad with no money and who won't be over here for a very long time aside from the fact hell have to leave his daughter. WHAT A CATCH EH! it is driving me insane because she constantly comes to me crying about it. i don't even know what to say half the time. I feel so sorry for his wife, they call her a cunt and he says how psycho she is even though he's probably made her that way. he's a disaster waiting to happen and won't seek any help from the doctors for his bipolar.

I am moving in with her soon and Im almost dreading this aspect of it although we get on amazingly well. he is worried about me moving in with her because im a lesbian and well that must mean I want to shag every woman i come into contact with especially her.

She is completely codependent and worries about his feelings constantly. She used to be happy but says she has no regrets as she loves him...

Were having a works do on saturday and she says he is worried about her going out. Her and i can't even go see a film without him saying, "is the film done yet?" Its always about him. Even when she's sad hell turn it into how he's feeling. Im slowly losing respect for her. I feel if she wants to go down that route go for it. can someone please give me some perspective on this situation its getting to be more than I can bear! What do I say to my friend when she comes to me with all this?

Spartak Thu 18-Dec-14 20:33:33

How about "I'm not moving in with you?"

Sounds a nightmare.

candyce83 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:42:07

The problem is I work with her so this could cause major repercussions in my job. I feel like I want to shake her and say this will never work you silly little girl! What kind of man even contemplates leaving his daughter never to be seen again?? That is if he ever leaves....the whole situation stinks...

Cabrinha Thu 18-Dec-14 21:55:08

That is way too shit to have to live with!
You have to say no, it'll drive you barmy!
Can you tell her that you know he has a problem with you being a lesbian and you don't want to cause trouble between them so you're going to rent somewhere else?

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 22:24:42

It's not the affair that's the problem it seems, it's that she is totally unstable. I can't think what repercussions there would be for your job if you changed your mind about living together.

candyce83 Thu 18-Dec-14 22:41:43

That is a very good idea....I think she kind of likes his jealousy to be honest. I do wonder what she tells him if Im honest. I don't want to be used as a pawn in their odd set up. She wanted to go shopping the other day and i said oh can i come with you? and she said i might have to leave cuz he's ringing her....kind of feel like im only good enough when he's not around and when she wants to dump her shit on me. They haven't even met. Maybe i need to rethink this actual friendship nevermind moving in with her...

we work in a small salon. atmospheres are very difficult to get away from.

Cabrinha Thu 18-Dec-14 22:44:20

The atmosphere will be worse if you live with her. I promise you that!

Drumdrum60 Thu 18-Dec-14 22:47:15

Make up an excuse. Anything. She sounds bonkers. Forget it. Find a new friend. She's like one of those women who have affairs with prisoners. Mind boggling.

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 23:40:07

What your friend is experiencing, it sounds like, is a long distance controlling relationship, supported by a combination of fantasy, dependency and obsession. She would probably benefit from some kind of counselling. If you are thrown together at work with her all day, you are going to need your own space the rest of the time,

Greencurtain Thu 18-Dec-14 23:45:11

Why are you moving in with her???? The drama will never stop. Dont you want any peace and quiet?

Hissy Fri 19-Dec-14 07:00:08

good god! run for the proverbial hills in every way imaginable!

tell her you're not moving in because of the way she's behaving.

if a LDR had an issue with a friend's sexuality, i'd bin him, and certainly never tell thhe friend in question.

in allowing him to get away with this, she's throwing you under the bus. you deserve better.

if she pushes it, tell her 'if you lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas, you deserve better than this shit, and so do I!'

Rebecca2014 Fri 19-Dec-14 08:11:15

So they haven't even met? is she really that desperate to allow a man online to control her life?

candyce83 Fri 19-Dec-14 10:44:07

Yeah you're all absolutely right. I'm quite an introverted person so would probably spend a lot of time in my room but I worry I'd end up hating her...she is my best friend...well I'm hers, I don't think she is there for me but I'm pretty stable and don't really need the support. The problem is I've tried telling her all this but she refuses to listen. So ive backed off. I dont know if I pity her or want to strangle her. She's in total denial and living a fantasy. And I can't stand him at all. I think ill move elsewhere. I dont want people bringing me down when I'm happy.

CogitOIOIO Fri 19-Dec-14 10:48:17

You absolutely don't want to get sucked into her personal psychosis.... At the moment I'm sorry to say that you're probably not so much her friend as her audience. Without you there listening to all her self-imposed woes, where would be the fun? So I'm glad you've backed off.

You sound like a really nice person who is very together. Be with people who deserve your affection, make you happy, who support you when you have a problem (because we all have problems), and bring something positive to your life.

Hissy Fri 19-Dec-14 11:41:56

I lived with a best friend who needed me... fucking nightmare, a total drain.

you need to rethink everything in this situation and TELL her exactly why you are doing it too.

candyce83 Fri 19-Dec-14 21:45:25

Thank you ladies! All very sound advice that I will put into practice! smile

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