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Am I going crazy? More of a handhold I suppose.

(78 Posts)
Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 18:54:56

Been with H for years, it's always been tempestuous but we are trying to ride it out. Small children have made it hard (I have another thread somewhere).

He's come home from work do and is being completely horrible. Texting away looking smug and I'm
Sitting here furious as he's trying to get a reaction. It worked sadly.

We were supposed to go out tonight but the arguing means cancelled plans and general fuck up of it all.

I'm at my wits end. At home all day everyday with the children with no support at all.

I feel like I'm drowning in it all and I want to disappear. To him I'm just the mother all home and his mother was marvellous so why can't I be!

I want to scream! I feel invisible and he tells me he looks at me as though I because such a bitch to him.

I need some handholding please. Are the infant years always such a vile disconnect are is this just a doomed relationship?

hesterton Thu 18-Dec-14 18:59:47

It does sound miserable. Do you think asking him to leave for a week or so might give you the space to think?

Handywoman Thu 18-Dec-14 19:02:53

Doing it on your own will feel better than 'getting no support' or being spoken to in such a vile way from someone who is supposed to love you.

Can you bugger off out and lean on a friend? Leave him with the kids for a change??

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:07:15

Done that several times over and it's his way or the highway. He seems to think I should suck it up and get on with it.

I have given up everything for our family solely because it's all so consuming I've nothing left for anything else.

I was very very ill during my pregnancies and he couldn't cope with it so a lot of resentment from both sides is still lingering.

He let me down badly with his lack of support so I find it hard to open up to him and be vulnerable. Omg it sound so twee but that an honest statement.

Angry with him and feel him
Undeserving of what he has ie our family. It's a terrible thing to say, I know. I don't trust him either, I don't think he'd cheat but and a big but I know how much we are not on the same page. I am not expunging anything here tonight, sorry! My head is a mess and I'm constantly being told I'm mentally unstable by him because I make up situations and then project them on to him. He's lies to me in the past mostly when I was pregnant and losing the plot but never the less his reaction and lack of support hasn't just disappeared and been forgotten.

I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat but I just expect more from him and more understanding and kindness. I get neither.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Thu 18-Dec-14 19:08:30

The infant years are exhausting. What is making it worse however is that you have no support from your husband. Even if you are at home and he is at work you should be sharing the responsibility of your family. You don't need to be invisible.

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:09:59

He does take them out but then it's a case of oh it's a breeze or on a good day 'I know how hard it is'. This, is patronising to say the least as out current set up is less than ideal!

He's confrontation avoidance king so it's minimise, deflect and ignore. It's infuriating and demoralising.

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:13:18

I feel so invisible going out is a chore, I feel I've become so inadequate and socially inept and a waste of a human that I've no friends because why would anyone want to spend time with me. It's like living in a twilight zone.

I'm exhausted mentally and physically totally and utterly exhausted. Anyone who shows me basic kindness reducing me to tears. It's pathetic. I just want some bloody recognition and appreciation.

I'm having a rant but I've no one in RL to talk to.

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:15:57

We've had a huge argument today and I'm the devil reincarnate and unhinged according to him but the problem is I just don't have the words to explain properly how I feel.

I feel trapped inside my own head and it's the most frustrating thing in the world.

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 19:24:08

When I see adjectives like 'tempestuous' (or 'volatile' or 'fiery') applied to a relationship my heart sinks. I think tempestuous is just shorthand for incompatible. Relationships need kindness, enthusiasm and mutual respect as a foundation or, when times get tough, there's nothing whatsoever to fall back on.

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:31:39

Yes, very valid point. That stings of course. We did have that, if I remember correctly...
I just don't feel like being kind to hi. As he runs roughshod over me. He doesn't mean to be so obtuse and insensitive but life is all about the practicalities to him.
I love him but I am really struggling with it all. We had our first child quite soon which maybe didn't give is a lot of time to adjust.

Quitelikely Thu 18-Dec-14 19:35:06

You poor thing! Are you far from family?

How many and how old are your children?

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:36:34

No family here at all. 12, 2 1/2 and 1
I've asked him
Who he was texting earlier and he laughed and told me I have issues. So mean.

Quitelikely Thu 18-Dec-14 19:43:25

Gosh those are hard ages. Especially when you have no one close near by.

Is it possible that you are both tired, run down etc?

Have you thought about hiring a sitter so you can go out?

Do you do toddler groups etc

GaryShitpeas Thu 18-Dec-14 19:44:10

your H is a twat

and you sound broken

what exactly are you getting out of being in this relationship?

Quitelikely Thu 18-Dec-14 19:45:12

Are you in the uk? Is it his job that takes you away? Any chance if moving back?

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 19:46:51

He is standing in the kitchen screaming at home much he doesn't give a fuck and what a manipulative bitch I am. Charming.

Quitelikely Thu 18-Dec-14 19:50:41

On what basis are you those things?

KLago10 Thu 18-Dec-14 19:52:27

Hi there smile

Just wanted to send you a big hug, sounds like a tough situation and you need more support from your partner than you are getting.

To me it seems as if your partner puts more value on him being at work over you being a sahm and raising your children, mostly single-handedly it seems. Having children can be challenging at times and very tiring - why is your partner not sharing the load? They are his children just as much as they are your children and he needs to take responsibility as a father.

I have to say the way he speaks to you is appalling. How dare he speak so disrespectfully to you, you're his wife and the mother of his children. What is wrong with him?! I don't know why he makes these statements such as you being unhinged/overreacting when you ask who he was texting. If he genuinely felt that you were unwell why is he not trying to help you by perhaps suggesting you go to the doctors together, see a counsellor or offer more support at home? He sounds like a very manipulative person.

I think if you both want to save your relationship then HE needs to make a lot of changes. You sound like a very level-headed, reasonable and loving mother who is not expecting anything out of the ordinary.

Please think what being with this person does to your well-being and happiness. You deserve more than this. If you have the chance tonight I would ask to sit and talk with him about your worries and see if he is willing to do what is necessary to make things more balanced in the home and put more effort into making your relationship a happy one.

I'm thinking of you, and hope things start looking up very soon xx flowers

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 20:22:39

We had a big fight and I said something awful and he pushed me by accident and I slipped and bashed my head. He's gone now. For good. I'm devastated, he's told me I need help. I think I do.

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 20:23:41

Can I just add I'm fine, just shocked, he's never been so angry with me.

KLago10 Thu 18-Dec-14 20:28:37

This was definitely an accidental push? I'm glad you're ok, can I ask what it is (vaguely if you like) that made him so angry?

Sweetheart from what you've said he is the only one who needs help.
It seems that he has a lot of problems which he is blaming you for. Please don't believe it. You and your children deserve so much more x

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 20:30:52

Yes accidental but he's gone because it still happened. No I think it's my issues unfortunately and I can't fix this. I grew up in a volatile home. He's had enough now he's said. I've really fucked this up.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Thu 18-Dec-14 20:33:50

Are you sure? Any Lumps or blood?

You need help to get away from him. Nothing is wrong with you other than him being aggressive and bullying.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Thu 18-Dec-14 20:34:43

Texting on his phone and being smug and name calling are not your fault.

Pacificrum Thu 18-Dec-14 20:51:40

Big lump just above ear and jaw but ok. It is me to some degree and it is him. I push him too far I suppose.

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