7th Wedding Anniversary,but seperated...What should I do???

[Namaste100]

Hi,
My wife and I seperated in the summer due to my infidelity ( long story) Were currently living seperately and due to go to Relate in 2015 to discuss it further.Its our wedding aniversary next week and I'm unsure how to mark it? I have told her how much I love her and want to be back together,but Im backing off and allowing the space she needs right now.
I was considering a letter/note not card..just to say how much the past years together meant??? Any advice? Thanks

[Bogeyface]

They didnt mean anything when you were cheating on her, so I wouldnt bother if I were you because I would imagine that her first reaction would be just that.

Perhaps you could send a card (NOT an anniversary card) to say that you are thinking of her on that day, but any messages about how much all your years together have meant to you would be nothing less than a slap in the face.

[Namaste100]

Thanks Bogeyface...good advice...I agree to say how much she meant etc is insincere and would get the rightly deserved slap!! We are attending an event together ( at her wish) on the day so its tricky.

[TyrionRocks]

I would beg and grovel... Yeh I'd send a stupid card saying I love her and take the pummelling I would rightly deserve... You might have a chance with her again but even if you don't at least you'd give her the satisfaction that you begged... Might help her confidence long term which is probably shot to pieces (along with other things)...

[CogitOIOIO]

I don't think you should mark it if you are serious about backing off and giving her space. Anything you send or write risks being interpreted as a cynical attempt at manipulation.

[MiconiumHappens]

I think in your position it's better to be in trouble for getting something and her being upset than not getting her something and it causing her more hurt thinking you don't care.

[fancyanotherfez]

I would just send a blank card (as in not an anniversary card but a nice card) and just write a little note in it saying you're thinking of her today or something.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

What would you have done before ?

If you would have sent a card before, do that

If not, it will be yet another kick in the teeth

[Namaste100]

Thank you all for your honest and frank replies...I'm going to send a card/ note but not anniversary one..Iv always acknowledged all our main & mini anniversaries so I'm not missing this one..I'm not going to say 'you meant so much to me' etc.. I'm going go with my feeling on the day and just express where I am in my thoughts etc.. I knw Iv been a total Ahole & risked losing everything..but it's honestly very comIcated..not that I cheated I mean..that I take full blame for..but all the other crap Iv been hiding..Knew Mumsnet would sort me out

[Windywenceslas]

Don't pour your heart out to her, it's cruel to use her and your anniversary to assuage your guilt.

[Namaste100]

No outpouring Windy...I'll keep it fairly simple..but honest..no guilt trips from me x

[Bogeyface]

So, do we get to hear the long story? And the other crap you have been hiding?

[bunchoffives]

Why don't you use the card to focus on her rather than the me me me of how you are feeling?

[Sapph1e]

I'd have a slightly different approach. If it were me (wife) I would want to see effort and emotion involved in whatever I were given. An anniversary card may be inappropriate but I would definitely want things that added up to an anniversary gift IYSWIM?

She may scream, cry and be hurt but that's all normal and part of trying to fix this. She's probably throw it back in your face - but she'll still know that you made the effort and that will count for so much. Trying to be tactful and low key probably won't get you anywhere. Be honest and open in your feelings.

[Mom2K]

It depends on what she wants. If she is open to reconcilliation and wants you to really prove yourself, then I think it is important to acknowledge the anniversary - but being mindful of what you say so as not to offend/upset her.

If she is the one that wants space and prefers to be in control of the situation and she determines the level of contact the two of you have etc, then it might be best to tread lightly and not step on her toes. Whether or not you should proceed with a card/note here is dependant on how you think she'd take it, since you know her best.

I'm separated from my husband, but I don't want reconcilliation. It irritates me every time he sends a note telling me how much he loves me, is sorry for screwing up etc. Or his offers to help out around the house - after I've told him he is not allowed here any more. He says he will respect what I want, but I see his offers of help as manipulation and a tactic to be around me/my space even though I've said I don't want it. He's stepping all over my boundaries, and it's not going to get him anywhere.

Best way to proceed is by guaging what she's said/done up to this point, and how she's been responding to you.

[Lweji]

It really depends, as said before.
Do you think she'd rather have a divorce, or does she really want to get back together (even though she is very much hurt and needs reasurance from you?)
If she really wants out, then the best option would be to lay off the pressure for reconciliation and set her free.
If she ultimately wants to get back together, perhaps a simple message acknowledging that you have hurt her immensely and stating that you are there for the long run.

Do you think you can actually remain faithful?
Have you been 100% honest with her?
If not, regardless of what she wants, the kindest option is still to set her free. Preferably now before the date.

[CalleighDoodle]

If she has agreed to relate next year then she still sees a future. Id send the anniversary card but keep the message simple. Id also send flowers to ger home and an appropriate gift for 7 years. She wants you to attend a function together. That's not sonething people do if its over for good.

[Lweji]

I wonder why she agreed to Relate.
Many women agree to counselling for different reasons, including pressure from their exes.

[Namaste100]

Thanks again for all your advice... No pressure from me to go to Relate..it's a joint decision...we were due to go a few weeks back, but I asked for more time to get my head straight and finish my counselling.. So I'm in a better ace to try and explain all my past crap ( I'm not going to go onto the facts..all very personal & raw )
Iv bought a non anniversary card today..no gift as she will feel it's OTT I feel..we're in a good place..civil & even sharing a joke etc..I don't want to rush her...we're spending the day together with our boys on the day so I'm just going with flow.Thanks again

[Namaste100]

What's IYSWIM pls?

[Lweji]

If you see what I mean.

It sounds good. Good luck. :)

[Namaste100]

Oh thanks Lweji.. I'm not down with the yoof speak..I also hope all goes well..I believe if I can get my head straight and were all back together,then we can have the best life together :)

[Namaste100]

Hello...So I decided to try and keep it 'low key' ...but also no ignore it.x
I posted a non anniversary they the door late last nite..I noted the poem
Loved You once
Love you still
Always have
Always will xxx

So far it's gone unmentioned.. I'm feeling I shouldn't be direct & say anything..you all agree?

[Mom2K]

No don't mention it. She will if she wants to.

[Viviennemary]

I suppose if you think there is a chance you will get back together it would be OK to send flowers and a card if you think that's what your wife would want.