Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
In love with housemate, please help..(46 Posts)
I don't have anyone to turn to as my situation is quite complicated... I'm in need of some good advice right now.
I recently moved to another part of the country to study and moved into a houseshare with 7 other people. Within a few weeks one of the men here made it known he was interested in me. He is a dad of two in the process of going through a divorce. I really liked him and he made an effort to try and bump into me after work, eventually we started to go on dates. Other people in the house commented on how much happier we both were, particularly him. After a few weeks though he started to blow hot and cold and would start to find faults in us. This was around the time we contemplated taking things further. Whilst I was at work, he sent me a message telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he still wanted to be friends. I tried to deal with it as well as I could, so I avoided him - I stopped talking to him and bumping into him around the house. I was so busy anyway that this came naturally and I began to get over it.
One of my housemates told he was seeing someone else. It really annoyed me that he had told me he couldn't deal with a relationship because of his mariage breakdown, yet he was meeting someone else? So I kept my feelings to myself, and I was jealous. Not long after this, we had a heart to heart and he told me he broke it off with her because all he thinks about is me. The conversation was a bit confusing but stupidly I saw this as a window of opportunity - he still liked me. So, we ended up spending a lot of time together again and I stayed at his regularly. I began to develop feelings - the excitement of seeing him, butterflies... I knew I was falling in love... in some ways I tried to fight it because I was scared something would happen again.
He invited me to his work's Christmas do and at the end of the night I told him how I felt. He told me he loves me too, but he has all these feelings inside of how his life used to be, how he hates/loves his ex-wife, how he hates his situation. He said I came at the worst time and he wished he had met me at a different time. At the end of the night he told me he loved me - and in the morning we went out together. I found out he went on a date three days after I told him how I felt. In the heat of the moment, I told him we shouldn't speak again. He was confused, saying he wants us stay the way we have been and enjoy each other's company. Now he is avoiding me, has deleted me of social networks and is ignoring me.
I don't know what to do anymore, it's such a confusing relatiionship and alarm bells are ringing, but I can't help but love him and it hurts. He is going to make our housing situation awkward. Feelings aside, he is one of two in the house who I can have a decent conversation with. So I've lost a friend too. Any advice would be helpful.
Well I can see why he's divorced. He's a head fuck from start to finish.
You're going to have to move out and move on, I'm really sorry OP.
Accept it's over and cut all ties.
He sounds like a bit of a player. Telling you what you want to hear then dropping you.
Be civil and polite but ignore; no more heart to hearts, no more dates, no more plus ones.
You're just feeding his ego.
I'd also try to find somewhere else to live if possible (but that's just because it would stress me out to live with him)
Don't waste anymore time on him. Move on, he sounds like really hard work.
Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and is maybe afraid of getting involved and hurt again? If you value his friendship but maybe going to find it hard to break the ice, then how about a Christmas card with a few words in it?
Hi xxxx. Sorry for what I said in the heat of the moment, but I value your friendship and miss our chats. I hope you can forgive me and we can remain friends. Love xxxx
A bit Love Actually style (when prime minister gets a card from Natalie) if you can't say it at Christmas when can you say it?
Failing that if it's going to be awkward then you'll either need to put up with the situation or find new accommodation.
Thanks for the replies. Regarding the housing situation, I have no form of moving out as I am tied into a contract. His ended about two weeks ago but he renewed it. He was looking at moving out before this because he wants his own place, but for some reason he's staying put. So we are stuck with one another.
Right so you both need to make the best of the situation then. Write him a note or a Christmas card, say sorry for what you said etc if you feel you can't face him right now.
Even if he doesn't act on it, you will know your conscience is clear and you've apologized for your words. Leave the door open this way if he'd like to remain friends or maybe more.
Either way, trying to avoid and ignore each other when in the same house will be awkward and create an atmosphere (for your other house mates as well) so you both need to be grown up about this.
He doesn't know what he wants. And in my experience that is always bad news.
Stay away from the recently separated.
And I say that as one of the recently separated.
He wants to feel attractive still; probably quite likes you; is overwhelmed by having feelings and has labelled them as 'love'...
He's probably not messing you about on purpose. But he is messing you about, nevertheless.
Agree, no more pseudo dates. I was having these with someone until I realised everytime we did it, it gave him hope that I was ready for a relationship, even though I'm not. I thought our 'dates' were one thing. He read more into them. I wasn't doing it on purpose, but I was messing him about. So I put a stop to it.
I agree to stopping the dates, etc.. I just feel annoyed that not only once but twice he has let me in then shut me out again. And now I'm the bad one? I have that horrible feeling in my stomach of hopelessness. He's all I think about and it's painful. Luckily I'm going to my parents for Christmas and spend time with my family. I'm not looking forward to coming back here and feeling that emptiness again :-/
I think what you said in the heat of the moment was the right thing to say. If you can't move out you need to make a life outside of the house/ make friends with your other housemates.
If the only way you can keep ignoring him right now is to think that doing so - and appearing to get on and enjoy life - will drive him wild and make him want you then look at it like that. Then hopefully you will start really getting on and enjoying life without him and meet someone actually worthy of your love!
When he ended it and went on dates with this other woman, I tried to do the same to try and get over my feelings, so I went on a blind date. He found out and he didn't like it. He pretended that he wasn't bothered. A guy moved into the house and he asked me a million questions and whether I liked him. I just don't get him. It's like he doesn't want to get serious, yet he doesn't want any one else near me.
What would happen if you broke your contract, OP?
"Well I can see why he's divorced. He's a head fuck from start to finish."
I don't think you should expend any more energy trying to work this guy out. Try to move on, even if that means moving house if necessary.
I agree about staying away from the recently (or even not so recently) separated. One of the most headfuckery blokes I went out with was a guy in the throes of divorce who played me like a good'un. Wanted me to fall in love with him, but not fall in love with him. All that. Basically he wanted to shag around but knew I'd dump his arse if he said that, so he strung me along. And I'm guessing that's what Mr Housemate is doing.
I could break my contract Coyoacan, it would just mean I'd have to find someone to fill my room. But I don't have a car or any means of moving my stuff.. I wasn't expecting to move out any time soon as I am happy with my house and I've only been here 4 months, it's close to where I work and study and I like the other housemates. If anyone should move out, it should be him. Yeah he probably wanted a bit of company, but there were elements where I knew he did like me. He has so much baggage, his ex wife uses his children against him and he lives far away from them. I don't know why I stick around but I do, he's the first person I've liked who's been in the situation he is.
He says his ex wife uses his children against him. That's what these guys do. My Divorcing Man completely demonised his wife.
Lois is bang in the money. That's exactly what he's doing.
^I meant the post at 19.43 but both are spot on.
Yeah, I guess I've been taken for a fool. Any advice on what I should do after the New Year? I leave on Monday and come back on the 4th.. I really don't want this to affect my work! I've been working so hard with my studies that I'm glad I've finished this week as this situation has been eating me alive and I'm thinking about it constantly. We are both going to live in the same house and it may/may not get easier after two weeks without contact.
It sounds to me like this guy wants to keep you as an open option. He clearly doesn't want to settle down but wants to have a few women on the go including you. I bet when you get back on the 4th he'll probably make a fuss and be all over you to get your attention but will lose interest again once he has you under his belt.
I don't doubt that he likes you, probably a lot too. But he sounds like such hard work and has shown that you can't hold his interest for long. He only becomes interested in you again once he thinks he's losing your interest in him. It's almost like a game to him.
Show him you're strong. Show him you're fabulous without him and watch him come running. Play him at his own game and keep him at arms length while you have a great time dating other guys. You could stoop to his level and use him when it suits you but I think you're in too deep to play games like that. Play it cool with him and don't let him know the effect he has had on you. He doesn't deserve your love when he treats you like this.
That's some great advice, thank you. Everyone has been really supportive on here. It's going to be really difficult but I'm going to have to try and face reality and move on, and I'm hoping for my own sake I don't fall back into the same trap in January. I would have been happy with a simple apology but I feel I won't get one anytime soon and I shouldn't sit around and wait for one.
You will fall back into the same trap if not in January then February... And it will go round in circles: he'll get bored of ignoring you or he'll be at a loose end without someone else to date and he'll get you into bed, because he knows how much you like him. Then all your feelings will re-ignite and then he'll back off again. Repeat ad nauseam. It will run and run until you decide you can't waste any more of your life on him.
If you're 25 and you've got time to waste, fine. If you're older than that you really need to think about how much of your fertile years you want to spend on a dream that won't come true.
You're right Twinklestein, he didn't like I was trying to move on last time, I'm hoping that in time we can be friends and keep things amicable. By that point I might not feel the same as I do right now, as my feelings are really strong as of late. He left to go back to his parents today (he didn't tell anyone, just left.. he won't be seeing his children till New Years so that has added to everything) and won't be back until around the same time I'm back. I've tried going out for a walk, reading, cleaning, doing work but all I can think about is him. I'm just torturing myself, but the advice on here is helping.
My guess is that he does like you, just not quite enough. Sorry.
He reminds me of someone I went out with who blew hot and cold like this guy - finally he said to me 'I suppose what I really want is for us to be really good friends with the option of falling into bed with each other at the end of the night'. Which was perfectly honest of him - just not something that would have made me happy. So we called it a day. He wasn't a "bad" person, but it did fuck with my head because I knew he liked me, and I couldn't work out what was causing him to flip-flop so much. Finally I realised it was an 'into you a bit but not a lot' situation.
Join the discussion
Please login first.