Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Controlling/abusive behaviour

(170 Posts)
chemistc Wed 17-Dec-14 23:21:50

Hi,

Just wanted to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my husband. A bit of background - we have been together 10 years, married for four. He is a very strong character and often talks about himself as 'the name', he is non-compromising and is very self-assured, confident.

We had a LDR and despite us only dating for 6 months he had the phone numbers of my close work colleagues/friends. I was teaching so always had my phone on silent. If I didn't reply to a text or answer a call he would call my friends to see if I was with them and check I was ok.

I wont catalog every incident as I fear it would become war and peace, only the incidents that have really made me doubt things.

The second major concern was during an argument we had where I swore at him and he grabbed me by the throat and told me to never swear at him again. This is the only time he has been physically abusive.

Then there is not letting me socialise with friends on my own. There was this one awful occasion where I had a reunion with 5 gf's from Uni and he came along. I felt so humiliated like I was a child not allowed out on my own. Not being willing to see my family as they live too far away and he gets too tired with all the travelling.

During my PhD if I needed to work late in the lab or at the weekend, he would come with me, this made me feel like shit because I felt so guilty about having to work on my PhD outside of his 9-5pm hrs.

The latest big thing was him not allowing me to take a job I really wanted as he was not willing to relocate despite not having a job himself.

There is a whole more examples I could write here, including me trying to commit suicide knowing that there is no way out, being in counselling, going to RELATE and being in contact with LWA.

I don't know what I am asking for..... this recent thing has perhaps opened my eyes to how selfish he is.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Wed 17-Dec-14 23:24:43

Why is there no way out?

Why can't you walk out the door and leave him? Maybe to that job in a different location?

chemistc Wed 17-Dec-14 23:27:47

He needs me too much.

PoppyField Wed 17-Dec-14 23:40:20

What are your needs? That is the obvious response to your post.

You have a basic human right not to be controlled or humiliated or abused by another person. Try that for size. You are not responsible for him. You are being controlled by him. He is ruling you with fear and is hugely manipulative.

Is there an RL friend you could tell all this to? Or just send them what was in your post and process it with them? You sound very alone. Another brain on this -someone who has your interests at heart - would be a massive help and support for you.

chemistc Wed 17-Dec-14 23:44:20

It is really difficult PoppyField, I have literally no friends that are not mutual friends anymore. There is one person who I am trying to get permission to see, but I haven't asked yet if I can see her. Even if I am allowed to see her, he will probably want to come even if he just sits in the car.

FabULouse Wed 17-Dec-14 23:46:17

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

trackrBird Wed 17-Dec-14 23:47:00

There is a way out, and many women have made it out before you.
These people can help you
www.womensaid.org.uk

PoppyField Wed 17-Dec-14 23:52:41

What about your family? Or ring Women's Aid.

It is good you have made a first step posting on here and I am sure others will be along, but you must see that his behaviour towards you is extreme and concerning.

Do you have anyone at work/Uni you can confide in?

Do you have a GP? A GP is often the first port of call and it is totally private - your H can't insist on coming with you into the consulting room surely? Get a double appointment with your GP, make something up if you have to explain to your H and tell the GP what is happening.

chemistc Wed 17-Dec-14 23:54:30

Hi trackrbird, I have contact with my living without abuse centre, I have some money with them and a bag of clothes and other personal bits. I just feel so guilty, he tells me I am his world, that he adores me. I just can't do it to him.

MoonshineWashingLine Wed 17-Dec-14 23:58:35

You don't need permission to do anything. You're an adult.
No one should be this controlling over anyone, it doesn't matter what his needs are, you need to put yourself first and get out asap. Please do contact women's aid, they will be able to help you to find a way out and possibly get you in to a refuge if necessary.

BingBongSongEveryDamnDay Thu 18-Dec-14 00:00:27

Permission to see your friend!?

This man sounds awful. It's not going to get better. Do you want to live the rest of you life like this? Picture things in 30, 40 years if you don't leave him, how will he be when you are retired.

He doesn't sound like he loves you. He wants to own you, it's completely different. Please call WA.

BingBongSongEveryDamnDay Thu 18-Dec-14 00:02:08

You can't do it to him. Do you think he cares what he is doing to you? If he loved you, he would want you to succeed, to have friends, independence, confidence. He is actively sabotaging this.

chemistc Thu 18-Dec-14 00:04:18

I did go to my GP because and I can't believe that I am actually going to write this, but I went to my GP because I believed that there was something wrong with me down there, and I guess that is what prompted me to post reading that threat about the woman whose husband treated her like a sex object. Though my husband has no real interest in me sexually he has no desire to treat me nicely when we do actually have sex. I don't want to get into graphic detail but hope you can read between the lines. This and my suicide attempt helped me to get some free counselling from the NHS. My counsellor invited my husband to a session and he came but he basically controlled the whole conversation.

I feel so stupid for staying with him after he laid his hands on me.

PoppyField Thu 18-Dec-14 00:04:38

You say you 'can't do it to him'. What do you think he is doing to you? If he adores you why is he terrorising you? Why does he keep you prisoner? Why do you have to ask permission to see a friend?

This is not adoration. This is abuse.

What do you want from the MN collective? You are an intelligent person, but what has life taught you about what women should be able to expect from their partners? Surely not this.

You say you have contact with your 'living without abuse' centre. Make plans to leave. Get their help to leave. I am sure he will manage without you.

MoonshineWashingLine Thu 18-Dec-14 00:05:39

My abusive ex used to say he adored me etc but it's just another way of keeping you in control, keeping you 'his'.

It's great that you already have that contact with a LWA centre. I think you already know in your heart what you need to do. It's hard to take that step but once its done you will feel huge relief.

chemistc Thu 18-Dec-14 00:07:19

I am going to bed now, so if I do not reply I am not being rude.

I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like I am responsible for his happiness. If I leave him, he will never let me forget it.

dadwood Thu 18-Dec-14 00:12:47

You aren't responsible for his happiness, he has done a number on you, he has trained you to always take responsibility for his problems

trackrBird Thu 18-Dec-14 00:34:19

Don't worry chemistc. Many abuse survivors believe they are responsible for their partner's happiness. This has been trained into you, by him: but deep down, you know that it's not true.
Sleep well.
brew

Bogeyface Thu 18-Dec-14 03:19:55

If I leave him, he will never let me forget it.

If you leave him then you will never have to see him again (and there are laws to keep him away if needs be) so it wont matter will it? He wont be around to not let you forget it.

Your life will not have him in it, so he wont be your problem.

He doesnt love you, he hates you. He resents you. He resents your intelligence, your social skills, your sense of humour, everything that he doesnt have. He needed to take you and break you in order to make himself feel better about being such a sad social inadequate.

Get the clothes, get the money, take the job and leave.

however Thu 18-Dec-14 04:29:37

You need not ever see or speak to him again, if you leave. Move away, change your number, instruct your friends to block his number. Bingo. Does the thought of being free of him make you happy? Does the thought of staying forever fill you with dread?

Joysmum Thu 18-Dec-14 07:55:45

You need you more than he needs you.

When a person loves somebody, they make it their mission to make that person happy and that's what makes them happy.

What has your partner done to make you happy?

Would you treat somebody you love the way he has to you?

rjay123 Thu 18-Dec-14 08:48:03

Sweetheart, he doesn't 'need' you. He was perfectly capable of surviving before you came along, and will be once you go. He wants you to think that you'll destroy his life if you leave him because it's another way of controlling you. He is guilt tripping you into staying with him.

You get one shot at life, don't live yours under someone else's rules. Go back to your parents, go anywhere... just go! Things will be difficult for the first few weeks. He will be begging you to come back etc. Be strong, you can do it! If necessary block his number. Your 'mutual' friends - I get the feeling these are your friends whom are assumed to be mutual because you have a tag-a-long every time you go out with them.

And he will survive. You'll be doing the best thing for him in the long run - he will have to get a job etc and start to control his own life, instead of yours!

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 09:13:52

I'm sorry you're in such an abusive relationship and that you're suffering so badly.You do have options and there are people who can help you.

I understand your concern for your husband but really this is a matter of urgent self preservation. Your mental and physical health - your life - is very important. Too important to be sacrificed any more for his sake. He is responsible for himself and he has to live with his choices.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 10:00:29

Can I suggest you watch a recent broadcast of BBC Panorama link which was about domestic abuse? Quite a lot of the programme is about physical violence - some of the footage is quite harrowing - but please listen to the accompanying interviews with criminologists and other experts about the psychological hold abusers often have over their victims.

You mention that you feel responsible for his happiness and if I can lift a quote from the script....

Coercive control is used by people who have a complete dependence on the person they are controlling. We think it is the woman who is dependent but more often, more normally, it would be that the man actually is dependent on her and he cannot foresee or cannot cope with the relationship ending at all

Control has been found to be more correlated with homicide than violence on its own. It is the control itself and the obsessive psychology in the abuser that is the really dangerous factor. There are some homicides that occur that have no history of violence at all

dunfightin Thu 18-Dec-14 10:20:52

Are you working? If so then do they have an HR department? Is it a biggish organisation?
HR are there in good organisations to help their employees and nowadays the remit goes a little bit beyond working hours, interviews etc and they keep an eye on wellbeing.
Reason to say this is that if you can use a bit of work time to sort some stuff i.e. a safe place to keep stuff, place to make phone calls do internet when he is not around and when you make a break you can be safe from him at work during working hours.
He really has you boxed in at the moment but with WA or similar, a safe place at least during work time then you can start to see you have options.
Please, please there is a way out and once you are out it becomes much easier to see the wood for the trees.
This is no way for you to live your life; his inadequacies are not yours and you don't have to live by them.
There are plenty of women on here who got out and got away - overwhelmingly they are a lot happier, better now. Keep posting and keep going one step at a time away from this loser

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now