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Found Viagra in STBXH pocket

(85 Posts)
suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 22:35:40

H and I are separating. I'm keeping it amicable for the DCs, and so as not to spoil Christmas, or have them associate it in the future with us breaking up we haven't told them yet. I also want to wait until he has found somewhere to live so there isn't a big lapse in time and them questioning 'is he going? When is he going?" Etc. so we are still keeping up appearances and living in the same house.

Anyway, years of suspicion on my part and "indiscretions" on his have passed, I have finally thrown the towel in, seen a solicitor and we are in mediation whilst we try to iron out the finances. He is due to go in the new year.

He is becoming more secretive, goes off to make phone calls, has nothing to do with me/us in any real sense, just going through the motions. But also not making any headway moving out. He has admitted to an EA with a colleague, and paying for sex. But only twice in our entire relationship, and he used condoms. So that's ok then. And besides, 'all men do it.'

Tonight I rifled through his pockets and found three blister packs of Viagra. In tact.

I guess him having sex elsewhere isn't anything to do with me is it? But what it is is that it just hurts so fucking much that he can walk away from us, be planning to have sex, and not be sorry, not a glimmer of remorse. Just moving on.

It's the second time I found it, the first he said it was for me (one had been used) but it was never a discussion we had. He couldn't sustain an erection and I found it too upsetting, thinking it was my fault, that I was so repulsive. This was two years ago and we haven't had sex since (he has, I haven't), recently he told me it was because I would come onto him like 'queen ape, demanding sex' whereas I would cry afterwards because I felt to awful.

I don't really know why I am posting to be honest. I don't understand how he can't be devastated, sorry, remorseful. No, he is planning his next shag. He told me it's 'just the way he is wired'. He doesn't want to stop 'being a player'.

He's a middle-aged man, in his 50s. Without a fucking clue what is important in life. I'm in shock and disbelief.

getthefeckouttahere Wed 17-Dec-14 22:42:45

Hi susp,

understandably you are sad, angry, confused, bitter, regretful, etc etc.
This will pass, don't try to make sense of it at the mo.

Set a date for him to move out, you need time and space for yourself right now. The sooner that happens the better, even if you feel it has to be after christmas just make sure its not too long after christmas.

Hugs

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 22:46:29

He is quite contemptible, isn't he

I hope he moves out very soon, because it appears him still living under the same roof as you is hindering your getting to the stage of indifference

You know you shouldn't be rifling through his pockets, and you know you are going to find something incriminating but you seem compelled to do it

that will ease whe he has gone

I have never been a fan of staying together and "keeping up appearances" even for children

when Xmas is over, there will be another reason to keep up this facade, then another

your choice, of course, but don't expect things to get much better until he is gone

Holdthepage Wed 17-Dec-14 22:48:33

He isn't a player, he is a middle aged man with erectile problems. If he didn't have ED he wouldn't need Viagra.

redredholly Wed 17-Dec-14 22:53:26

Agree with Holdthepage

He isn't making the choices I'd be making. But for you it's best that you have found out how uncommitted and dispassionate he is before wasting any more of your years. You may be surprised by how warm and loving a new partner will be, eventually.

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 22:56:10

He will go, or I will put the house on the market 1st Feb. I'm trying to avoid disrupting the DCs, but I will if that's what it takes.

I rifle because I have no information. I don't know what is going on with him. It's hard because all I wanted was to get old with him, and have a nice life. I look forward at what we will have, he looks back at what he used to have. That's what breaks my heart. He just can't see what I could.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 22:57:54

and he never will

you have to do whatever it takes to allow you move on

I suggest house on market 2nd Jan

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 23:04:13

I know. I've read up a lot on narcissist personalities and it seems to fit him well.

I'm under no illusions as to what he is. It's overwhelming disappointment I'm feeling, combined with immense sadness. We are over, there is no going back, I refuse to live a half life.

He hasn't told his family yet. I am tempted to. But it will hurt them and so I won't.

I wish he would just fuck off. I wish he fell in love with someone and left us for her. I wish it was an affair that had some meaning. I wish we meant something to him.

Psycobabble Wed 17-Dec-14 23:06:44

I understand your anger and hurt but think on it this way he's not your problem anymore you sound well rid of him . While he is busy planning his next shag you get busy planning your new life free of a cheating scumbag husband !

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 23:10:19

You are living half a life because you haven't forced this issue into the real world yet

You are still living together. Lying to the kids. Lying to his family. He fucks around and you sneak after him looking for evidence. Are you still doing his cooking, laundry and cleaning?

Really love, you need to burst this bubble. It is doing you no good at all...blow the whole thing wide open before it makes you ill.

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 23:12:28

I flushed them. And put the empty packets back.

Then I took the empty packets because I cannot be arsed with the conflict.

He is going away Friday for the night. A works lunch, spilling over to the evening and staying in a hotel.

He really is a dick. A limp one at that.

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 23:13:35

Christ I do don't I?

You are right.

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 23:17:00

I don't clean or wash for him. I cook for everyone.

We all prefer it when he's not here.

apotatoprintinapeartree Wed 17-Dec-14 23:19:34

He is really your ex now though and you know what he is like, hence the splitting up.
It must be hard to think you still have to check up on him and be a part of his life, but its over now and you seem quite resolved to this now.

Forget about working him out, he's history.
I really hope you and your dc have a lovely xmas together. x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 23:19:40

This is going to sound harsh, but you are sounding a bit off

You rifle through his pockets and steal his medication. It is sending you a bit crazy living like this, and your kids will be picking up on the vibes

What next...checking his underwear ?

You are not together, you need to detach. It was a bad idea to keep up appearances like this. He should have moved out a long time ago. This ridiculous situation is benefiting only him... nobody else, not even the kids. When they do find out, you think this charade will have passed them by ?

Come on, Big Girl pants now.

he needs to go, and soon. Tell family and friends. Living like this is impossible

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 23:26:44

Ooh I hadn't thought to check his underwear...! wink

A week before Christmas isn't the time is it?

We looked at rented flats and they were grim. I wouldn't want the kids going. We looked at a couple of nice flats to buy, he hasn't done anything about them.

Tomorrow I will tell him he needs to go in the new year. He is away with work after Christmas, but I need space away from him.

Reality check Anyfucker. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. I can see it all very clearly even if I can't quite believe it. It's been years of shit.

lordStrange Wed 17-Dec-14 23:37:52

Oh love, what an immature, dysfunctional shit he is.

It's horrible. However, you will feel an immense release once he is gone. You will be featherlight. He can contribute nothing to your family and once he is gone you will continue to reflect sadly but that feeling will begin to disappear as time goes on. You and your kids will adjust remarkably!

Make him go. asap, really. And yes, big girl pants now as AF puts it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 23:39:17

I saw the first line of your response on my phone (without the smiley) and nearly popped my own eardrums... smile

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 23:40:24

he goes 2nd Jan, nice flat or no nice flat

yes ?

suspiciousandsad Wed 17-Dec-14 23:49:43

<exhales> yes. I will tell his family after Christmas. His sister knows what happened four years ago in all it's detail, she won't be surprised.

I will tell the children after Christmas.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Wed 17-Dec-14 23:56:34

He won't like it, but it's got to be done thanks

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 18-Dec-14 00:01:19

This has been going on for years love

IIRC, didn't he hook up with someone on his stag do ?

When you feel you don't have the courage to finally euthanise this sham of a marriage, just go back and read your old threads. Then read them again, imagine this happening to someone else and what you would advise her to do.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Thu 18-Dec-14 00:03:10

Have just seen you on billy's thread. I wondered if you would comment. Take your own advice, love. You are just as deserving of it as she, and any other woman, is.

Drumdrum60 Thu 18-Dec-14 00:05:00

Enjoy Xmas knowing you will be free from this lowlife valueless entitled soft prick who is maligning you and your children. Look after yourself really well and look forward to a life of peace without the need to look through pockets.

This man makes me feel I'll never mind you. Don't bother where he will live let him find his own place. Can you imagine him doing the same for you? There's your answer. He deserves what he gets. Paying for sex won't make him happy it will make him more twisted. He's lost the plot. Get rid and enjoy your life.

Drumdrum60 Thu 18-Dec-14 00:06:01

Sorry ill

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