Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is trust something that people have to earn?

(8 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Wed 17-Dec-14 18:36:53

How long does it take for you to trust someone and what do they have to do to earn that trust?

In my last few relationships I have either trusted too easily and been left or not trusted enough and then been dumped for not trusting enough!

What does a new partner or friend have to do to earn trust? Is anyone unable to trust due to being lied to in the past and do we believe that trust is something people have to earn?

What defence mechanisms do you put in place before you can trust and what happens if you fall in love before you have learned to trust someone?

Cabrinha Wed 17-Dec-14 18:45:56

Do you mean trust someone in plain terms of fidelity, or trust them to be decent towards you generally?

The former, I don't think you can earn someone's trust, because how do you prove you'll be faithful? The cheater who lies can look as trustworthy as the faithful partner.

My XH cheated all through our marriage, is going same to his new girlfriend. You wouldn't guess it.

With my new boyfriend, do I trust him not to cheat? No. I don't trust anyone. But... That doesn't translate into upset or suspicion. I don't check his phone, I don't worry about it. I take the approach of "in it to win it" and take the risk that it could end in tears. I'd rather try.

For more general trust in someone to be decent to you - this can be earned, as it can be shown every day. No guarantee it isn't an act, but again - in it to win it.

gatewalker Wed 17-Dec-14 19:21:57

This might sound counterintuitive, but I think trusting another person is a red herring. I think it's really about whether we can trust ourselves: trust our intuition, trust our judgement and discernment, trust that we can act in a way that doesn't betray us but rather supports us. When we trust ourselves fully, then there is little need to rely on our trust of others.

rumred Wed 17-Dec-14 19:30:15

Gatewalker that makes so much sense.
Generally trust grows in my view. It shouldn't be given or taken but lived.

holdyourown Wed 17-Dec-14 19:35:07

gatewalker great post and really food for thought

I think in relation to other people I start from a medium level then adjust up or down according to things like how reliable they are, whether they badmouth others, whether they are consistent in what they say and do.
Fidelity I think it's very hard to tell but past behaviour (in previous relationships) is a good indicator imo -that's assuming they're honest about it of course

gatewalker Wed 17-Dec-14 20:18:55

Thank you, rumred and holdyourown.

I'm doing the internet dating thing right now, and yesterday I was in London for the day, where part of that day was taken up with meeting someone. I trust my intuition, and it told me that he was going to be a no-show. He was. He then texted me back to apologise, and I wished him well on his search; we both understood that there had been only one chance to meet, and it had gone. I have learned to trust myself not to give someone a second chance so early on. If he wasn't able to remember, or deliberately 'forgot', our date from the outset, that tells me everything I need to know.

Had I suggested we meet again, it wouldn't have been a matter of deciding whether to trust him or not: it would have been a self-betrayal. Nope, I didn't need to trust him; just myself.

MagicalHamSandwich Wed 17-Dec-14 20:29:30

I'm a naturally sceptical type of person in terms of trusting anyone at all. That having been said:

A few years back I found myself in a situation where I simply had to trust somebody because I needed help. I weighed my options and decided on the person who I thought was in the best position to assist me. He has never let me down in minor respects and we've had lots of dealings with each other - both professionally and on a personal level.

Maybe sometimes it's worth it to trust someone sort of as a default position? That having been said: I've only experienced this in a friendship type of setting. Maybe it's different when there's romantic feelings involved.

rumred Wed 17-Dec-14 22:34:27

I like the cut of your jib gatewalker. The date was a fool but better to know now. Dating virtual and real I find to be a minefield. I was be mindful of these posts for my current dating adventure

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: