Is he lying about being single?

[CrystalSkull]

My friend has a history of getting involved very quickly with men who haven't always been who they say they are. She has been very hurt by this in the past and I'm worried it's about to happen again.

She has begun a relationship with a man who claims that his wife died a year ago. The story seems plausible, but alarm bells started ringing for me when he asked my friend to keep the relationship secret for the time being as it is apparently too soon for him to reveal to family and friends that he is in a new relationship. She has not been to his house or met his son.

On a hunch, I googled the wife (very unusual surname) and no obituaries or death notices came up. All I could find were some current appointments at Companies House! From the details given I am sure that that person is the wife.

There could be a rational explanation, but surely I would have found something about her death online? I'd be really interested to hear others' opinions.

Absence of proof of death is not proof of life (!), so is there any way of finding out if she is still alive?

[Alphonso]

I wonder if your protectiveness and desire to see your friend happy are causing you to become over-involved? I think it's fine to mention your concerns re the secretiveness to your friend but investigations of this sort are a bit OTT, I would say. I'm not sure she will be grateful.

[AndTheBandPlayedForGingerbread]

I think proving the potential bf's wife existence (for lack of a better word) is thinking being misdirected (however a great idea it was to Google her!) Your friend should have a policy (that has served me well) of believing that he is attached elsewhere until he proves otherwise. The secrecy is a red flag, as you know, so I hope she keeps a healthy level of cynicism about her and keep her heart well out of it until the secrecy is resolved. She would be right to say that she doesn't do secret relationships and he can play someone else.

[Drumdrum60]

I disagree. The OP is just trying to protect her friend who seems unable to look out for herself. Maybe she could do with doing this herself really but unless OP is always having to look after her this is a one off concern. She is asking for information not a judgement.

[Drumdrum60]

Never do secret relationships it's so manipulative and screams hiding something. Anyone who lies about their wife's death is vile. Yuk

[TheVioletTinsel]

I can see why you are so suspicious but unless she is prepared to listen, not much you can do. Secrecy and never visiting his house are a massive red flag. Did she meet him via a dating site by any chance

[bberry]

Even if it's true... Wanting a "secret" relationship would be am absolute no for me

If he's it ready to tell people then "he" isn't ready

But I do think he's lying, completely... And may even be hiding more than a wife....

How did they meet? He can basically tell her any story he wants without friends/family to confirm

[CrystalSkull]

I should have said that I have uncovered this sort of thing once before, and my friend was extremely grateful that I had investigated in the way I did. So I don't feel like I'm overstepping the mark by doing a similar thing again.

She met him online and has not met any of his friends who could confirm it one way or another. I really want to be wrong this time but it seems so suspicious to me! I also think the secrecy itself is a huge red flag (and very disrespectful to her) but she says she is really in love with him!

[rjay123]

If she has a unique surname, try searching facebook....

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Be very careful. His (dear departed?) wife may have kept her maiden name when they married. You could easily be looking at info of a sister/cousin/aunt/niece, especially if the first name is fairly common.

I'm with PPs...If he's not ready to let people know about the relationship, he's not ready for the relationship. Your friend needs to gather a bit of strength and logic and simply say to him 'I'm nobody's secret. I may not be still available when you realise that.'

[despomum41]

i think you need to support your friend because if she finds out you are looking for dirt on her new man she will not be happy, you are not being fair, friends are supposed to be there to wipe your tears when things go wrong and not find fault in every relationship that you start.

[Chefpepperjack]

That's the type of sick thing my ex would invent
I'd dig, carefully

[getthefeckouttahere]

facebook is your friend. I suppose at a stretch i could just about buy the too early line.
Why hasn't she been to his house. Can you really be in love with someone as your friend claims but not know them well enough to have visited their house?

I suspect that if she has only just met him she has some issues of her own that she may really need to work through?