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advice needed please (sensitive subject)

(19 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

silverandblack Wed 17-Dec-14 13:22:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jendot2 Wed 17-Dec-14 18:36:48

Just act normally but accept that they may find the situation difficult .

GoldfishSpy Wed 17-Dec-14 18:42:27

I have experience.

7 yrs TTC, DSIL had a baby on the due date of a baby I lost due to ectopic.

B and SIL were fab. When I first went to meet DNiece, SIL said 'she's in her cot if you want to see her' I went up there on my own and cried, looked at DNiece, cried some more and within 10 mins had fallen completely in love with her.

Still sad about my situation, but able to see arrival of DNiece was a wonderful thing and that I could love her completely and still feel sad that I didn't have my own yet.

You sound fabulously lovely.

nightswift Wed 17-Dec-14 18:44:55

They live i a world surrounded by babies. It took me over a year to concieve and there were many pregnancies in my office so when i did become pregnant i made little fuss as i knew there was likely to be someone shedding a tear in the loos.

That said having your first baby is such a special life changing time for a family- if your relatives love you they will be happy for you and take joy in the new addition to the family. It is not for you to overtly tiptoe around them - they are coming to a house with a brand new baby in it and all that entails. If they can't handle it they could choose to stay at home. I would go with the flow and not overthink too much.

silverandblack Wed 17-Dec-14 18:49:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moreisnnogedag Wed 17-Dec-14 19:14:24

I think goldfish suggestion is good. I ummed and aahed about how to tell a close friend I was pregnant as knew about her fertility issues. I emailed on the basis that she could deal with it in private and then face me.

In this circumstance I'd go and just be prepared for them being a bit subdued. Perhaps take the baby upstairs to breastfeed and if crying deal with away from others.


MrsHathaway Wed 17-Dec-14 19:28:56

I don't think you appreciate how hard the first days with a newborn can be - even in your own bed. I think planning to stay over at MIL's is very optimistic. Either she's too far for you to want to drive on the day (in which case it's likely to be too far for a brand-newborn full stop) or you can go on the day for as long as you feel up to it. In the first week you'll usually be losing lots of lochia so sharing a bathroom too closely can be distressing - soaking through a thick pad within half an hour if bf, maybe, and potentially feeding for an hour or more at a time, awkwardly because you're still learning. Also, if you're induced or given c-sec for post dates you are likely to be fucking knackered even if you're out of hospital by then.

Some women breeze through, but many don't. The first week is ... like nothing else.

All of which is to say, you shouldn't expect to stay at MIL's, or even visit. You don't want to feel awkward in your newborn haze, you need security. Nobody will think you're avoiding them, or even that you're giving them space and not thrusting a newborn in their faces.

She will be the centre of attention whether you're there or not. They aren't going to not mention a new first grandchild just because she's out of sight.

I think it would be kinder not to spend a protracted period with them, and I think staying at home would be better for you and baby anyway.

Good luck and I hope you've planned a middle name of Holly, Ivy, Natalia, Noelle or similar.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 18-Dec-14 11:58:45


We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Thu 18-Dec-14 12:15:24

I have to say I agree with MrsHathaway. The first few days are knackering. I was still bleeding three days after I had dd1. Luckily I was still in hospital as I'd had an emcs. I stood up off the bed one day and - sorry for tmi - it was as though all my period arrived in one go. It just poured out. And I was wearing two super strength pads. The poor nurse had to wash me down, the bed, the floor and then help me change. It was awful.

My milk came in that day too. I spent half the morning on the phone to dh in tears, my hormones were in overdrive and I didn't know what day it was.

Trying to establish breastfeeding was horrific. I didn't have a clue what I was doing and every nurse I spoke to had a different opinion. I was in tears trying to get dd1 to feed. Trying to get your baps out to feed in front of people when you don't know what you're doing is very unpleasant as well.

You do not want to be at your in laws in that state.

CogitOIOIO Thu 18-Dec-14 12:38:27

I suggest you act normally. You can't go around on eggshells second-guessing all the time for fear of causing upset. They should be as sensitive to your joy as you have been to their pain. It's not quite the same thing but my DB chose to get married about a month after my own marriage ended badly. However tough it was for me sitting in a church hearing vows and wedding speeches etc I considered it my responsibility to slap on a smile and get on with it ... .not spoil their happiness with self-pity and a long face.

Be proud of your DD when she arrives and good luck

TheListingAttic Thu 18-Dec-14 15:16:26

As other posters have alluded to, given that you're getting anxious about what will be an emotionally-charged situation already - without yet factoring in your tiredness and hormones! - I think in your shoes I'd be politely excusing myself, and having a quiet, cosy Christmas at home with my partner and new baby. That's just what I'd do in your shoes, but if it were me I think I'd save the careful negotiation of how to manage their reaction till I'd found my feet a bit.

Destinycalls Thu 18-Dec-14 15:29:27

Personally I would opt for a quiet at home, getting to know my new baby, Christmas rather than traipsing to another environment at a time of extreme physical and emotional upheaval.

I'm saying this not for your BIL and SILs sake but for your own. You have been sensitive to their situation and when they do get to meet their new niece you will continue to do this.

Jackiebrambles Thu 18-Dec-14 15:39:09

I agree with the others who have said maybe stay at home. It is shocking how 'run over by a bus' you will feel. You'll be hormonal, trying to get feeding established, bleeding a lot, dealing with stitches/c-section scar if that happens. I think travelling to your MIL's might be a bit optimistic!

And this is all aside from your BIL and SIL's fertility issues. You sound lovely BTW for worrying about them so much.

Windywenceslas Thu 18-Dec-14 20:16:18

I have experience of this from both sides and I would say the best thing you can do is act normally, but be sensitive, it's hard for them. I'm sure they're happy for you, but sad for themselves if that makes any sense. For me I always knew that other people having babies wasn't affecting the reason I wasn't getting pregnant, but it's hard not to feel sad for yourself when you see other people's joy.

I now have 2 DC and my DSis was struggling to conceive when I had both of mine. I let her take the lead. If she wanted to see us I was there, if she didn't I understood.

I also think it's very optimistic to be considering staying at someone else's house so soon after birth. Some people recover very quickly, but I had all sorts of problems, was bleeding heavily for weeks and was in so much pain down below and because of breastfeeding. You'll also need to consider that the midwives will need to see you every few days until you're discharged, will this be able to happen if you're away? All things considered, if I were you I'd be seriously considering a quiet Christmas at home getting to know your baby.

HamPortCourt Thu 18-Dec-14 20:33:39

There is no way on earth I would be going to MILS with a newborn baby and staying over.

Just tell them you are shattered and are resting up - you aren't up for the big festivities. Being snuggled up at home with your new baby will be far better, and you can avoid the SIl issues until they have had time to get used to it all.

Good luck.

Windywenceslas Thu 18-Dec-14 20:43:08

I should add that midwives will need to see your baby every few days and they won't appreciate you not being there when they come round.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Dec-14 20:59:17

You can't go to your MILs - seriously, you have no idea at the moment how you'll feel but I can assure you that you'll be exhausted and sleeping somewhere else will be a nightmare. You'll want your own bed and your own bathroom - sharing will be awful.

By the way, be prepared to cry non-stop on the third day - wish to god someone had told me that!

I'm so jealous - I'd love to start again with a new baby. (Not to replace the two I have!)

itwillgetbettersoon Thu 18-Dec-14 23:32:06

I agree with others. Don't even think about staying over at someone else's. My brother got married four days after I had an emergency c section. I didn't go. I couldn't go. I was a mess. No way could I have slept in someone else's bed. Stay at home and enjoy that so precious time.

DetonationStation Fri 19-Dec-14 01:27:47

Agree with staying home and getting to grips with that whole newborn malarkey.

Our DD took 5 years in the making and those 5 years were a VERY dark time (couple of losses too) where it seemed the world and his missus were pumping out sproglets left right and centre. I think its important to keep them informed as you would with anyone else, but where they can have space to respond emotionally and privately if needed. For me that would have been an email rather than face to face, but everyone is different. Maybe ask them discreetly how they would prefer things are handled so you/DH know from the start what you are going to do? I like a previous suggestion of someone saying the baby is in the cot in another room, so if they meet your baby they can be upset or whatever without feeling like a bit of a spectacle. That might be easier for them to go in/come out in their own time rather than that whole expectation of come meet/coo over/hold the baby when someone else thinks so.

I found guilt was one of the worst parts of this time. Guilty that I felt so sad when it was such a happy time for everyone else. Guilty that I didn't want to see or spend time with babies when I felt I absolutely should be doing so, guilty that I was adding such extra difficulty of how to best deal with our feelings to other people's happy time. One of my biggest triggers was seeing babies with their dads, as I felt so sad that DP might never get to experience that. The smitten faces of extended family, stuff you really don't want to and shouldn't have to disguise or minimise. That it should be us doing this too?
Hope this helps anyway

You sound like you are sensitive to their situation, they sound lucky to have you guys while they are dealing with this, good luck with it all

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