Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you stay

(37 Posts)
Evelyn1993 Wed 17-Dec-14 07:07:47

Long story short been with oh 2 years prob with oh ex, had to get an injunction out on oh ex for harassment, prob with oh seeing his kids his ex won't let him. Had court over it got contact order she still refusing.

He has/had gambling prob I took control of finances. Since being with oh I don't see much of my friends, get smothered by him constant texts throughout the day. Very needy!

Friends have seen a difference in me best friend says I haven't been happy for a while, had plenty of rows I've stuck by him and given him chance after chance and he says sorry things will change last row we had got heated he smashed a glass against the wall and when I got him out put his fist through the glass panel of the front door. He went to my parents instead of spending night in the cell. ( daughter was not here but at her dads)

Parents obv not happy it's now causing issues between my family and I. Im not on the pill and currently not come on I don't feel like getting excited by the fact I could be pregnant because I'm not sure I look at him in the same way anymore or if it's just because I'm still mad about the fight.

He does nothing for me, we use to go out all the time now don't. Can't remember the last time I was brought flowers. I've done things to cheer him up about not seeing kids etc by cooking favourite meal romantic nights in sometimes get a thank you but guarantee the washing up is left.

Literally have to go on strike and tell him to help out around the house then that's when he does. Oh and to top it off my brand new carpet I'm still paying for he has burnt with an iron trying to get wax up he spilt! I don't know if I can take much more.

I feel miserable right now. I don't feel like a chemistry between us. We're hardly intimate (that's why I will be surprised if I am pregnant) what would you do?

He keeps saying things will get better but when?!! I have my own daughter who is 4 to think about too!

MatchsticksForMyEyes Wed 17-Dec-14 07:12:31

This is not a relationship that is making you happy. He has given you a taste of the violence that is to come. There's usually a reason why contact is blocked and I'd say he's shown you exactly why. Nothing is going to improve here. Pack your stuff, get out of there and don't listen to him saying he loves you/things will get better/he can't live without you. He doesn't, they won't and he can! You deserve much better than that, as does your daughter.

TrojanWhore Wed 17-Dec-14 07:28:12

Are you totally sure the injunction was on his ex? Not the other way round?

He seems to have isolated you from your friends, is beginning to isolate you from your family, is unpleasantly demanding and is now showing violent tendencies.

You know you are not happy.

What has been stopping you from leaving?

(PS: if not PG, get contraception sorted out straight away)

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Dec-14 07:28:32

There is nothing for you to stay for here and never has been either. He will kill you emotionally in the end even in the unlikely event he does not put you in hospital first.

Why have you though stuck by him to date, you should ask yourself why you have done that at all.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

He will continue to make you and by turn your DD miserable. Such men never change despite all protestations to the contrary and he will continue to drag you and your child down with him.

Evelyn1993 Wed 17-Dec-14 07:36:52

The injunction is what I had to get because his ex was harassing me.

I will be going on the pill.

My parents are married and have been together long before I was ever an idea.

I love him and I don't want to have another relationship breakdown like Ive already had worth DD father.

something2say Wed 17-Dec-14 07:44:55

Test out the man for longer than two years then. And listen to your gut. If you don't, you will proceed thro many wrong men and learn the hard way like I did

trappedinsuburbia Wed 17-Dec-14 07:45:28

Get out of this relationship and dtay singlefor a while, what happens if your daughters in the house next time? Hes already damaging your property and treating you like a skivvy, no wonder you dont want to have sex with him.
This is what your teaching your daughter to expect from relationships when shes older btw, that a man can treat you like shit, but its ok 'but i love him' !!!!

rumred Wed 17-Dec-14 07:46:57

Would I stay? No. He's a lost cause. Hes alienating you. He's aggressive. He is a free loader. Relationships finish, it's not a failure it's a sign of strength to get out of something shitty.
Talk to friends and family and good luck with it

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Dec-14 07:53:44

This relationship has already broken down and is beyond repair.

You state you love him; does he love you?. Are his actions ones of a loving man who respects you and your child?. No they are not.

Do you want at heart to rescue and or save this man from his own self, that's perhaps one of the reasons why you have stayed to date. You may well also be co-dependent and such a state in a relationship is very unhealthy.

I would leave and enrol yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is primarily for women in the type of abusive situation you describe.

Evelyn1993 Wed 17-Dec-14 07:55:48

I feel completely worn out by everything that has gone on. I get upset, I don't speak much about what's going on to my friends and family just a very close friend and my mum kind of knows.

I try to remember the times we were happy and try to hang onto that but it's just getting worse.

I get what your all saying its just hard. His family have not one clue about even one fight that's gone on as he doesn't want them to know.

I feel confused, lost and down and to top it off ive got flu so I guess I really am run down sad

Rebecca2014 Wed 17-Dec-14 08:00:47

Why are you not on the pill?

diddl Wed 17-Dec-14 08:09:50

I personally wouldn't stay, no.

he's been violent.

ALittleFaith Wed 17-Dec-14 08:17:16

You would be happier without this man. I agree with pp, he's shown enough of what is to come. Please don't stay with a man like this just because you don't want another relationship breakdown. He has broken the relationship.

To answer the question, no, I wouldn't stay.

Twinklebells Wed 17-Dec-14 08:20:58

No I wouldn't stay.

Basing a relationship on the hope that a man will miraculously behave in the way he did at the beginning will never work, especially when current behaviour is so awful. When a man shows you who he is listen.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme?

https://www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

jelliebelly Wed 17-Dec-14 08:24:00

No I wouldn't stay. What on earth are you getting from this relationship? A simple list of Why stay? versus Why leave? Would be quite enlightening for you I think..

ruddygreattiger Wed 17-Dec-14 08:32:07

Jesus, read your opening op a few times and ask yourself why the fuck you are putting yourself and your daughter through this. So you love him, doesnt sound like he feels the same way. Find some self respect and leave.

Evelyn1993 Wed 17-Dec-14 08:40:29

I've come here for advice! Not to be slated or made to feel any worse!

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Dec-14 08:48:58

The advice is to leave and to get this person out of your life.

If someone else was writing this what would you advise?. You would likely write the same as the other respondents.

You are with an abuser and are in an abusive relationship. There is no other way to write that.

Twinklebells Wed 17-Dec-14 08:50:47

Nobody is slating you? confused

kittensinmydinner Wed 17-Dec-14 08:53:21

Can I also ask why on earth you are not using contraception ? do you really think this person is suitable as the father of your (or anyone's) child ? You sound like you have very poor decision making abilities with regard to your and daughters welfare, you also sound very isolated which is a common trait in abusive relationships. Please do as pp has suggested and get in touch with WA and look into the freedom program. Time to start looking after you and your dc and not leaving things to fate !

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat Wed 17-Dec-14 09:00:56

He doesn't want his family to know? hmm. Of course he doesn't. No doubt they've seen it all before. Throwing glass around, punching windows.

He has poor impulse control (gambling, too), texts you constantly (needy or trying to control you?), started with fun outings, now does nothing to lift a finger.

Sorry, it must be so miserable for you but don't stay out of pride ( not wanting to admit another failed relationship) or misplaced hope ( he will only get worse, not better).

If you stay you will get even more unhappy. 100%. If you leave/ ask him to leave, you will get happier in the long or even short run. I bet you are tiptoeing round him to avoid rows?

Nobody is slating you here. We are with you. But you did ask a question. If you get 10 replies or 1000, they will all say the same.sad

Take the advice, it is sound. You can have a much, much better life than this.xx

Quitelikely Wed 17-Dec-14 09:01:48

You actually need to ask if this man is worth staying with?

Please get back onto birth control. Do not have a baby with this man. He is not the sort of father any child needs as he is terrible role model and a badly damaged individual by the sounds of it. You cannot change him or help him through because he is who he is.

Do not expose your dd to this man for much longer, she is seeing this man as the standard in relationships but he isn't is he? He's a violent abusive man. Would you want your dd dating him? I didn't think so.

If you stay with this man I'm afraid you will only have yourself to blame regarding what the future will bring. Misery. Misery. Misery.

Get out ASAP. You are exposing your child to an abuser.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 17-Dec-14 09:04:04

It's not a "relationship breakdown" where you've failed, if you realise the person you're with is just no good for you. The failure is on the part of your OH who does not know how to behave towards the woman he is supposed to love. It is not your duty to stay with someone who treats you badly.

I tell you what, abusers all cry and promise things will be different when you have had enough. They even seem nicer for a while, but then go back to the same old ways. They keep you hoping so you put up with it again and again and again.

Oh, and honey - get that pill. Fast.

Mammanat222 Wed 17-Dec-14 09:04:46

What is the living situation? Does he live with you? Is he on the tenancy?

I would get rid - immediately and take a pregnancy test. Regardless of the outcome of said test this man needs to go.

Evelyn1993 Wed 17-Dec-14 09:10:38

It's my flat the tenancy is in my name is just moved in and was put onto council tax Bill as I was no longer single.

I've done a test its negative, but I am 4 days late.

I'm sorry I know your giving me honest answers I guess the truth hurts. And yes it's bad and then he says things will get better and they do and then it's back to this only this fight on Saturday was the worse with the glass being broken I can't even look at him the same anymore.

I'm ill too so after I put my daughter to bed last night I told him I was going to watch tv in bed and see if I can fall asleep instead of leaving me to it he said oh I'll be in soon. Ten minutes later there he was. My friend text and said I hope he's leaving you to rest so I told her no he wasn't she called him a dick.

It's such a mess! I have no energy left to even know what self respect is it's been that long

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now