Just need some hand-holding at this time of year

[sadwidow28]

I know you will send me off to bereavement - but I lurk and respond in relationships so I feel safe here.

On 21st December 1981 I married DH.

He died in August 2001 - with little notice of stage 4 cancer.

No children - so only me.

I miss him so much!

After all this time I can't make my heart stop crying for him at this time of year.

I have booked a cottage to go to see my biological family on 20th December - but we are all widowed. Honestly - this is not a Friday night story!

Eldest sister widowed - 1999 (aged 52 years)
Me widowed - 2001 (aged 46 years)
Youngest sister widowed - 2011(aged 55 years)

Today is the anniversary of a younger brother's funeral (died aged 52 years last year)

I feel so bereaved - yet I am trying to wrap christmas parcels.

I miss my husband and my BILs. I miss my Dad.

I know what you will ask - I do have one RL friend but I have to take him to hospital on 5th January to be checked out for throat cancer.

My other RL friends are around the globe. I have spoken to them by phone tonight - so I think I am doing everything appropriate in order to seek RL support.

[EmbarrassedPossessed]

You have every right to feel sad at this time of year, no matter how long it's been. So sorry that your family have had a string of bereavements like that, and I hope you friend gets positive news about the possible throat cancer.

[Livingtothefull]

I am so sorry, don't have any advice but my heart goes out to you. I do hope that you have RL friends to reach out to albeit they are far away, and that you have the support and comfort you need and deserve.

[sadwidow28]

Thank you for responses.

I walked the dog and stopped crying.

My tears feel like they are in my heart and want to come through my throat.

I'll walk the dog again and see if I can pull myself together.

[dadwood]

Dear sadwidow28

It must be hard to lose so many people that you love while they were all still so young. So hard for you and for your two sisters who also have the same pain. I wish you all the best!

[elsabelle]

So sorry OP. I am with you as this is my first Xmas without either of my parents. I am an only child, single and only 34! It kills me... I dont want to live the rest of my life without my parents, my grandma, my uncle and all the other people who i loved so much and who have now passed away.

I too am very teary. I think the only way through it is through it to be honest. And if we need to cry then we should. Cherish your lovely sisters and accept that it will be a heartbreakingly sad time but remember your loved ones fondly - me and my Stepdad like to make each other laugh with little jokes and stories about my Mum, and it sometimes, for a split second, almost feels like she's there with us. I think that even though they're gone they are still a part of you and your family and you can keep them with you, if you see what i mean.

And ooh i didnt know there was a Bereavement section on MN. I will be heading there to hang out too!

Lots of love to you OP xxx

[pausingforbreath]

Let the tears flow I say. No wonder you are sad at this time of year.
It is also my saddest, I would give anything to have another Christmas with the people closest I have lost, my parents.
I have special people around me but I couldn't say they plug the hole of the loss I feel.
Seasonal hugs to you.

[sadwidow28]

Thank you for your responses.

I have cried big tears tonight.

But I think I am getting more positive .... I think... I think....

I have crocheted a blankie for a newborn in Germany (I told you I phoned RL friends but they are shattered all over the globe).

I do feel more positive when I can so something very practical and creative.

This is the blankie I made for the newborn (I had the hat already knitted).

[BrowersBlues]

Well done for trying so hard when you feel so low. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. What you have faced is extremely tough and there are no words that can make things better.

You come across as a loving person and I hope things ease up a bit for you. Enjoy those positive feelings when they come along. Best wishes x

[BrowersBlues]

The blanket and the hat are absolutely gorgeous! You are inspiring me to get the needles out!

[innerstrength100]

So so sorry. Hang on in there. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other xx

[MaMaof04]

The hat and the blanket are so beautiful! I do not know what to suggest or say to make you feel better. I was just thinking about something silly: can you offer to some young person in needs to join you for Christmas? Can you volunteer helping homeless people on Christmas? I have a friend, a divorcee, who lost her only daughter when the daughter was a young teen (about fifteen). She also lost her mother at a very young age and her stepmother kicked her out of the house. Anyway she lives in Canada, has a nice steady job (she works in computers in the same place company for the last 25 years or more), and she does voluntary jobs with young teens at risk. This is really helping her get over her deep sadness. In addition she joined a reading club and does yoga. She sounds relatively in peace with life and relatively content. I just read books by Richard Paul Evans- 'The Walk' series. It is quite soothing- The hero decided to walk across all of the USA- This helped him get over the bereavements he endured following, first the death of his mother when he was a very young boy (10 years old, I think) and then the death of his wife (his childhood sweetheart, who helped him overcome his mum's death) at a very young age. Sorry if my post sounds just like some rambling. But my heart is with you and your sisters!