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Can it work with an ex?

(15 Posts)
skippy84 Tue 16-Dec-14 20:28:34

Just looking for some advice/perspectives/experience. I have a DS (4) with Ex DP. He ended the relationship two and a half years ago shortly before we were due to get married. There were a lot of reasons, I had problems with alcohol which I have had treatment for and am now 7 months into recovery. He was very distant and absorbed in his work, I felt very isolated and lonely in the relationship and the communication was very poor on both sides. I was incredibly hurt when it ended but we have stayed friends and cop aren't very well together. Recently he told me he has feelings for me and we slept together at the weekend. I'm very conflicted, part of me is happy, I do think I still love him but I just don't know whether things can ever work with that much pain and water under the bridge. Also I'm finally getting to a place where I'm happy in myself and gaining confidence and independence and I worry that I'll loose that if I go back to a relationship that was quite codependant and unhealthy for a long time. My question is can this possibly work? Can you change patterns of unhealthy relationships or am I most likely to end up back at square one with a broken heart?

d0ttyne11 Tue 16-Dec-14 20:37:57

Sorry - I just don't think so but I'm a sort of 'once something's dead and buried, don't dig it up' sort.

I appreciate that's really blunt but it sounds like the recovery you've made has just got you back on your feet. His absorption in his job might not have changed and I think the mistletoe / time of year may have got the better of you both.

I'll step aside now but I wish you in luck in continuing to be strong and hope you get some words of advice on here quickly. fsmile

Heyho111 Tue 16-Dec-14 20:38:30

I don't think anyone can answer this. All I can say is take it slow. One day at a time. Be strong. Be incontrol of the relationship. But only you know deep in your heart if it is something you should do.

CalleighDoodle Tue 16-Dec-14 20:39:09

Stay strong. This wasnt a positive relationship. He wasnt there for you when you needed him.

ILoveLenor Tue 16-Dec-14 20:43:48

I personally don't think things can work out with an ex, and they are an ex for a reason.

Like a previous poster said, you'll know in your heart what is the right decision flowers

dirtybadger Tue 16-Dec-14 20:48:38

Well done on your 7 months.

Maybe in some circumstances. If you didn't have a child and weren't in recovery I'd say try it what's the worst that can happen...in your circumstances I think it isn't worth the risk.

crazyhead Tue 16-Dec-14 20:50:50

Sometimes it can - I went out with my husband as a student, broke up, got together 15 years later and am very happily married. But I believe you have to ask yourself with an ex whether the fundamental things that split you up have really changed - which basically means at least one of you changing in some major ways (that was the case for me).

In your case, the split wasn't that long ago and you've never had a chance to totally cut contact. If you had an alcohol problem while you were together that you've managed to kick while you are apart, it does beg the question of how fundamentally healthy the relationship was for you.

Maybe there are other factors that override all this but I reckon I'd be cautious in your shoes.

Joysmum Tue 16-Dec-14 20:54:28

It depends on whether what caused the break up has changed.

heyday Tue 16-Dec-14 21:20:28

Being that you have now recently slept together, the dynamics of your relationship have changed somewhat. I guess you need to be honest with each other about how you both feel and how you progress from here.
Think carefully if a relationship is what you want at this stage in your life or if you are going to be happier staying single. You could always consider him being a friend 'with benefits'. I can only suggest that you take things very slowly.

skippy84 Thu 18-Dec-14 07:38:42

Part of me thinks you're right, that he wasn't there when I needed him but honestly if he was a friend I would have told him to leave, I was a mess and I don't blame him really.
At the same time I feel like I could never be myself in a relationship with him because there would always be the threat that he would just leave again.

I normally have pretty good instincts but I'm really stumped on this one. My heart is saying give it a shot but my head is telling me I'll get hurt again and I'm not strong enough at the moment to go through all that pain again.

Flimflammer Thu 18-Dec-14 07:50:19

If you took things very slowly you might be able to find out if you have a chance. Unfortunately you have slept together so youbwoukd have to try to put that genie back in the bottle first. It sounds like it would be too easy to slip back into unhealthy patterns of behaviour when what you need is to be letting him know where he went wrong before and what you need now, and vice versa.

Do you have a sponsor you could discuss this with? I know AA say no relationships in the first year, and for very good reason. Well done on your recovery, keep working at that first. If he loves you he will wait.

Twinklestein Thu 18-Dec-14 12:02:05

It depends, if a key reason for ending the relationship was your alcohol problem then if you are dry and stay dry, it's possible it could work.

But if he was 'distant and absorbed' in his work, you felt lonely and isolated, and you always had communication problems, is it likely to be any different this time?

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes Thu 18-Dec-14 12:12:31

I saw a thing on facebook (I know, I know)

"Getting back with an ex is like putting your dirty knickers back on after a shower"

Mammanat222 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:28:46

I was with my OH when we were younger (aged 15-18, first loves, first sexual partners etc..) but it fizzled out when I went to Uni.

We met again in our late 20's and have been a couple ever since. 1 DS, DD on the way, just moved into a lovely new family home.

However the main thing I would say is that there was no reason behind our break-up years ago other than we were young and our lives took us in different directions. There was no massive issues / no problems / nothing we had to figure out or work on.

Everything I adored about this man when I was young were still there when we met as adults - plus a whole lot more.

I imagine the same can be said if you had "problems" as well though? Any issues or problems you have with en Ex could still be there??

Jan45 Thu 18-Dec-14 12:44:14

It can work, if you both want it to and you have a completely different dynamic to the relationship, no harm in trying if you feel you still love him?

Take is slow, and don't give up your current life and enjoyment, see what happens.

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