Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Did DH's reaction give the truth away?

(16 Posts)
neckitnow Tue 16-Dec-14 13:48:47

Im a bit confused and would like to get some perspective and advice from others.

Background I met DH while at university and weve been together 10 years and married last year. I havent ever gotten on with DH best friend, he took an instant dislike to me for no reason however I suspect it was because his wing man was no longer single. This friend who we will call R was a sleaze my dislike for him grew because he was pretty horrible to me and actively encouraged DH to rate other girls in front of me (DH never would) and would nudge DH and say things like would you do her or look at her assets. So I took the choice that I wouldnt make DH choose but that I wanted nothing to do with R. Over the years R, DH and some other friends have gone on lads holidays much to my displeasure. I wasnt happy about it but Im not the type to stop DH and my only rules have always been absolutely no girls and no going to strip/lap dance clubs. Ive always assumed DH has stayed to that rule as there has been two occasions he admitted to going to a strip club once was on his stag. I wasnt happy but as he told me I didnt think much more.

At our wedding R was best man. His speech consisted of lurid stories of their lads weekends including insinuating that all they did was meet with girls and go to strip/lap dance clubs and use prostitutes. I was pretty angry with this and spoke to DH and he laughed it off and said he was trying to embarrass him and not to worry. At no point would I have ever thought DH would cheat on me especially not with prostitutes and always thought he had been honest about what happened on these holidays. So I didnt mention it again.

Its been playing on my mind since the wedding and the other night whilst we were laughing and joking about things from when we first met I jokingly mentioned these holidays and what R claimed happened. DH blew up at me. I was really shocked at his reaction as Id just been ribbing him about an ex-girlfriend and that hadnt gotten anywhere near that reaction. He started saying that he was sick of me always brining this up and going on about it and I shouldn�t be getting myself upset as Im 6 months pregnant with DC1. I was taken aback but promptly shot back as calmly as I could that he was misrepresenting me and that I have never brought this up before and certainly have not been going on about it as he suggests and said I could understand why he was reacting like this when what I said was in the same joking manner as the conversation had followed all night. I should point out that this reaction isnt normal for DH hes the calmest laid back person I know so it was totally out of character.

Since then its been playing on my mind how he reacted and Im now worried that there is more to it than I ever believed there could be and that R may have been being truthful and that Ive been blinded by my trust in DH to realise that. I dont want to think R was being in the slightest truthful and I would never have doubted DH before the outburst.

I dont know what to think and Im worried that as Im over emotional with hormones that maybe Im reading too much into it. I had thought of asking him outright and telling him I dont want any lies. I think I could forgive going to those clubs and maybe something that might have happened right at the start of our relationship but Im not 100% sure and it would depend on the exact circumstances. I know it sounds like Im writing DH off as cheat but Im truly not.

Do I just forget about the outburst and my concerns and move on or do I talk to him about it?

Quitelikely Tue 16-Dec-14 13:54:50

Well I think his friend was being truthful. I've never known a best man speech to be riddled with lies!

What was it he said that was supposed to be a fib?

PotteringAlong Tue 16-Dec-14 13:59:31

I think he's probably sick of you going on about it as there is nothing he can say to persuade you you're wrong so he's in a loose loose scenario.

neckitnow Tue 16-Dec-14 13:59:48

The whole insinuating and mentioning of prostitutes was apparently not true at all, they hadnt been with any girls on these holidays and any they spoke to was his mates talking to them in bars but nobody pulled and he said the stories about going to strippers and lap dancers were either entirely made up or exaggerated.

To be honest I was so flabbergasted and embarrassed by the speech at the time and I know there is no love lost between me and R I was convinced that the whole purpose of the speech had not been to get at me and cause trouble

MrBusterIPresume Tue 16-Dec-14 14:02:29

The OTT outburst is typical of a guilty conscience, so I suspect your DH has done something on one of these lads' holidays that he knows you would be upset by.

However, his best friend sounds the sort that might exaggerate and make trouble for the fun of it, particularly if he is jealous of you. So while your DH has probably done something, it may not be as bad as you fear.

If you're worried about talking to him directly about it again, could you write him a letter, saying that you were concerned about his reaction, that you are now worried that he's hiding something from you and that you'd rather know the truth?

neckitnow Tue 16-Dec-14 14:05:38

Pottering that is the thing, I havent been going on about it. I didnt mention it after his holidays and it was only mentioned at the wedding because of the best man speech and I havent mentioned it since then until now.

MrBuster that is my worry. It is such an unusual outburst for him I was stunned by it. I could understand if I was a nag or did always go on about things like that but I honestly dont.

R is an utter idiot and I know he does brag and exagerate things and he would for sure exagerate anything in relation to DH and me if he thought it would come between us or annoy me

Quitelikely Tue 16-Dec-14 14:08:28

Well I don't see the point in going over old ground. He's friend may have exaggerated and it was a spiteful thing to do if he was implying these things happened while you were together.

However, a group of lads using hookers on a lads holiday is not that unusual.

I doubt you will ever get to the truth.

basgetti Tue 16-Dec-14 14:09:50

I'd be more upset that your DH has continued a friendship with a man who openly dislikes and disrespects you, to the point of having him as best man at your wedding. I'd have been mortified at his speech especially in front of my friends and family.

CogitOIOIO Tue 16-Dec-14 14:09:55

I would treat it as an opportunity to get shot of Mr Best Man for good. Tell DH that, even though you trust him implicitly, you're no longer happy about him going around with a man that would embarrass him & trash his reputation. with big fat lies at his wedding. If Mr Best Man is telling the truth.... which he probably is .... then it doesn't mean your DH was a wiling participant. However, you'd be horrified if he kept seeing someone so sleazy

Drumdrum60 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:10:27

Mentioning prostitutes at a wedding is vile. No wonder you still feel uncertain about it especially now.
His friend sounds horrid and bad news.
No more lads holidays then. Not sure why they are ok anyway with that attitude and my experience tells me that they do cheat when away. Don't give him the opportunity.
Not sure if you can find out about the past but would be wary.

Hobby2014 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:12:54

Single lads Quite.. Maybe.. But men in committed relationships? Is that common?
Luckily my dh hasn't ever been on onewink

dorasee Tue 16-Dec-14 14:12:58

Hi neckit... you're right to have nothing to do with R. He's a bad egg and a hanger on from you husband's past. But from what you've said and the way I see it, your DH is not R. There is that saying, tell me your company and I'll tell you who you are. Well, within reason. I'd say your DH is not entirely innocent. He probably has been a bit messy at these stag dos/holidays. And then again, maybe your DH is right. Maybe he is totally innocent.
You will never know.
But marriage and a ring on the finger is turning over a new leaf. He's committed to you now and a family man. And that is why he exploded. If he has guilt or bad feelings about naughty behaviour in the past, he probably wishes so, so much he could erase it. But he can't. But you bringing up these events probably triggered either guilt for something he regrets (before marriage) or else he feels angry that as a husband and father to be, you are teasing him and taking jabs at his integrity. He has roles now that he didn't have before and so try and remember this. Take him for who he is now and how he behaves towards you now and put the past behind you. It sounds like he wants to do this which is why even joking about these past events pissed him off.
And he is right to be protective of you. You are carrying his child and that baby, that little boy or girl will absolutely seal the deal and be the glue that bonds you both. You bring kiddos into the picture and suddenly you're whole... a family. Focus on this. It is a wonderful and beautiful change.
I have always felt very insecure and a little bit paranoid during my pregnancies. We women are vulnerable in pregnancy. And no matter how much magazines and celebs try to sex up pregnancy, it is not a sexy time. It's a nurturing, quiet time... a time to really focus on health and wellness. But it's often a time when women are fraught with insecurities and worries. This is totally normal and will pass once you've had the baby. Keep your head up and put it behind you.
Love the one you're with, forgive him of past sins if there are any and hey, chances are that there aren't any. Again, you will never know. But start from where you're at now as a married couple, united and making a family. He is putting his good foot down. Focus on that. Love to you and enjoy your pregnancy.

FelicityGubbins Tue 16-Dec-14 14:14:10

Either A, your husband has been a manslag on his holidays and has gone for the "best form of defence is attack" method, or B, he has been stewing under the surface about what his so called friend said at his wedding (which would have been embarrassing for him, and potentially causing a rift in his marriage from the get go) and you mentioning it has popped the cork and he's exploded over it. Both are actually as likely as the other as a guess, and only someone who knows your DH will know which is the more likely..

Stealthpolarbear Tue 16-Dec-14 14:17:30

Urgh

neckitnow Tue 16-Dec-14 14:32:19

Thank you for the replies. DH has distanced himself from his best man since the wedding and has had limited contact with him. He lives considerable distance from us and which is near DH family so normally if DH went home to visit his family he would go on a night or with the best man too but he hasnt done that since the wedding despite having gone to visit his family whilst I have stayed at home because of work.

He did go to a music festival with the best man and his GF during the summer and it caused the mother of all fights between us as I could not understand why he would want to go away for a weekend with someone who had told lies/exaggerated previous weekends away that they have had so since then I think he has realised that whilst the best man is behind the scenes there is always going to be conflict between us. I would never ask him to choose but I think he has done it for himself in a way

Nomama Tue 16-Dec-14 14:42:20

First child on the way? Is it possible that, accidentally, you have taken the shine off his growing fatherhood. His outburst was a concern for you, rather than a defence of himself - let's be honest, if his best man has tried to come between you he is probably feeling like shit every time the topic comes up... and if you have fallen out over him already this year then it would be 'all the time' from his perspective!

Given that you say he has made a choice and yet here he is, baby number 1 growing and that wonderful 'I am a dad' feeling becoming more each day and you have brought up the subject one more time - he probably is really annoyed that you have pissed on his chips - again!

Have another think: are you now fulfilling best man's dearest wish? Can you discuss it, maybe apologise, explain how insecure the friend makes you feel, that DH does not make you feel insecure... move on and never mention the pillock again?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now