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husband has asked for a split - what should I do?

118 replies

dazedandconfused1980 · 16/12/2014 13:20

Sorry for the v.long post (I don’t want to drip feed) but I am in quite a horrible place at the moment and I can’t work out what is going on.

My dh of 5 years (together for 10), snapped at me, then left the house, on 29th November. I went to my mum’s the following day and I haven’t seen him since (have spoken civilly and texted however). I felt we both needed space to process all the things that have happened over the past 10 years (and this year in particular). These include:

• trying for a baby for one year without success.
• me getting into debt spending on alternative therapies/counselling etc.
• Dh’s book deal (his life’s ambition) falling through.
• Me becoming very depressed and being off work for 3 months.

My depression/debt/trying for a child has been key I believe and I am still trying to work out how it all came about/unravelled.

The backstory is that my dh (who is 53) has been very reluctant to have a child, even though when I was 25 (10 years ago), I gave him ‘5 years notice’. I thought that would be enough time for him to ‘come round to the idea’. I brought the subject up several times over the years and he sort of ‘acquiesed’, and we got married in 2010.

In June 2013 we started ‘trying’ and I was very excited. I thought I had done all the hard work (i.e. persuading him) and it was time now for us to go on this adventure together. But month after month it didn’t happen. I suppose I was very naïve about conception, I had no idea how hard it could be. I then fell into a deep depression and recovered, with my Dh’s support, over the course of this year and I am now back at work.

I thought things were getting better in my life but after he snapped he said that he wanted to split with me and he said that “the time for words and feelings is over, I want action’. This confused my because we barely speak about ‘meaningful’ things. For example:

• I thought that he was still reeling from his book deal falling through last year, but now he says he’s fine – it seems like he spent most of this year not speaking and doing diy and now he is feeling more positive. All this has happened and we have not really spoken about the transition.
• He has now said that he won’t speak to me about having a child because he is only doing it out of duty and he will go along with the mechanics of it but doesn’t think he can give me any emotional support along the way. He says he has never had a baby and so can’t relate to it – and I should talk to my female friends – although he believes that he will be a good, responsible father should a dc come along.

I just feel so alone and confused as he has also said a few other things to me that were hurtful – e.g. I start projects and don’t finish them (e.g. I come up with ideas for short stories but don’t write them), and he also said that it annoys him when I speak as I don’t pronounce all my t’s (!!).

Now, I am trying to take back control because I feel that he has been calling the shots for a long time but I really am now at a loss for what to do next. He is going to email me on Friday 19th with some information about what is feelings/views are and I am going to respond. But I have no idea what he is going to say.

My mum says that, at 34, I should cut my losses with him and move on. But I still love him/like him, and feel that maybe I have brought this all upon myself by being too needy/insecure and not understanding that men’s ways of communicating and different to women’s…?

Any advice welcomed please, particularly before he emails me on Friday….

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FelicityGubbins · 16/12/2014 13:24

My advice? Don't wait until Friday, it's your life to live, not his to dictate and you need to start doing the things that make you happy and fulfilled, not wait around in the (most likely none existent) hope that he will suddenly care more about you than he does about himself.