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husband has asked for a split - what should I do?

(119 Posts)
dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:20:02

Sorry for the v.long post (I don’t want to drip feed) but I am in quite a horrible place at the moment and I can’t work out what is going on.

My dh of 5 years (together for 10), snapped at me, then left the house, on 29th November. I went to my mum’s the following day and I haven’t seen him since (have spoken civilly and texted however). I felt we both needed space to process all the things that have happened over the past 10 years (and this year in particular). These include:

•trying for a baby for one year without success.
•me getting into debt spending on alternative therapies/counselling etc.
•Dh’s book deal (his life’s ambition) falling through.
•Me becoming very depressed and being off work for 3 months.

My depression/debt/trying for a child has been key I believe and I am still trying to work out how it all came about/unravelled.

The backstory is that my dh (who is 53) has been very reluctant to have a child, even though when I was 25 (10 years ago), I gave him ‘5 years notice’. I thought that would be enough time for him to ‘come round to the idea’. I brought the subject up several times over the years and he sort of ‘acquiesed’, and we got married in 2010.

In June 2013 we started ‘trying’ and I was very excited. I thought I had done all the hard work (i.e. persuading him) and it was time now for us to go on this adventure together. But month after month it didn’t happen. I suppose I was very naïve about conception, I had no idea how hard it could be. I then fell into a deep depression and recovered, with my Dh’s support, over the course of this year and I am now back at work.

I thought things were getting better in my life but after he snapped he said that he wanted to split with me and he said that “the time for words and feelings is over, I want action’. This confused my because we barely speak about ‘meaningful’ things. For example:

•I thought that he was still reeling from his book deal falling through last year, but now he says he’s fine – it seems like he spent most of this year not speaking and doing diy and now he is feeling more positive. All this has happened and we have not really spoken about the transition.
•He has now said that he won’t speak to me about having a child because he is only doing it out of duty and he will go along with the mechanics of it but doesn’t think he can give me any emotional support along the way. He says he has never had a baby and so can’t relate to it – and I should talk to my female friends – although he believes that he will be a good, responsible father should a dc come along.

I just feel so alone and confused as he has also said a few other things to me that were hurtful – e.g. I start projects and don’t finish them (e.g. I come up with ideas for short stories but don’t write them), and he also said that it annoys him when I speak as I don’t pronounce all my t’s (!!).

Now, I am trying to take back control because I feel that he has been calling the shots for a long time but I really am now at a loss for what to do next. He is going to email me on Friday 19th with some information about what is feelings/views are and I am going to respond. But I have no idea what he is going to say.

My mum says that, at 34, I should cut my losses with him and move on. But I still love him/like him, and feel that maybe I have brought this all upon myself by being too needy/insecure and not understanding that men’s ways of communicating and different to women’s…?

Any advice welcomed please, particularly before he emails me on Friday….

FelicityGubbins Tue 16-Dec-14 13:24:15

My advice? Don't wait until Friday, it's your life to live, not his to dictate and you need to start doing the things that make you happy and fulfilled, not wait around in the (most likely none existent) hope that he will suddenly care more about you than he does about himself.

Quitelikely Tue 16-Dec-14 13:27:09

I don't think you should have to wait until Friday either! He either has something's to say or he doesn't. If he does he can tell you today!

And your mum has a point you're not too old to start over again.

rockup Tue 16-Dec-14 13:29:13

I have to agree. You still have your whole life ahead of you at 35...dont waste time that you may regret in years to come.

despomum41 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:31:20

im with your mum on this one if he is not man enough to meet up and discuss his issues move on EMAIL HIS FEELINGS really personally i wouldnt respond did you fall in love via email ??? im sure not he is a twat

dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:46:28

Thanks for your input. My dh always likes to bring things up in the 'right way' and the 'most appropriate time' - and he feels that is a sign of maturity etc.

So I am used to waiting for weeks until he is ready to discuss things - I thought that this was normal.

But part of me is starting to think the he and his family have some sort of 'stiff upper lip' thing going on (albeit a working class version). For example,
I had a chat with my (lovely) MIL last week and we got talking about my dh's father (who passed away many years ago).

Now, my Dh says he never got on with his df, and he said that his df was uptight, uncommunicative and a bit nasty/racist. But when I was chatting to my MIL she said that her dh was actually a shy man, who felt intimidated by his own son's academic success (and felt embarrassed because he had only been a labourer). Now if I can find that out in one conversation, why doesn't my dh know that?? Do the family never speak about important/meaningful things??

(My family are the opposite btw - there are probably too many feelings expressed).

despomum41 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:51:25

he does sound controlling why should you wait for weeks to sort something out those are cruel mind games, you sit there worried sick until sir is ready to be addressed when it suits HIM

divingoffthebalcony Tue 16-Dec-14 14:06:01

weeks until he is ready to discuss things - I thought that this was normal.

No, it isn't. Sounds like he likes to string you along and make you stew until he is ready to speak to you. He has no respect for you at all.

Twinklebells Tue 16-Dec-14 14:08:32

He sounds like a controlling twat - sorry.

I would email him today and say you are divorcing him and then do it. And don't read his Friday email when he deigns to tell you what he wants once he has brought you back into line.

Quitelikely Tue 16-Dec-14 14:14:33

Erm no it's not mature to wait weeks to discuss things! People usually discuss things as and when they occur, or when appropriate!

How bizarre that his own father felt shy in front if him!

Ragwort Tue 16-Dec-14 14:20:21

Why would you want to have a child with someone who is so reluctant to have a child? It just isn't fair on you, him or, most importantly, the child.

Please finish with him and move on with your life.

dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:23:39

thanks all. i just keep thinking that if only we could keep going until march (when I am due for ivf).

Drumdrum60 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:24:08

Being embarrassed at Ds success is vile. Surely we all aim to provide opportunities for our dc that we didn't have. The man never grew up. Indeed wasn't a man. No wonder dh didn't get on with him but it's no excuse.

This may sound weird but can dh have children or is that what he's hiding from. Sorry if that is irrelevant.

Drumdrum60 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:26:08

Why would you want a baby with him. I don't understand.

dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:26:50

but i don't think I could handle ivf anyway if I couldn't talk with him about any feelings that arose. it's all been such a mess, although apart from the dc issue, he has been quite a good partner.

Twinklebells Tue 16-Dec-14 14:31:53

He sounds like an awful partner (if he is quite good I dread to think what you think bad is!) - listen to your Mum. You deserve so much more and someone who treats you with respect and kindness and doesn't keep you hanging on for more rejection.

Nomama Tue 16-Dec-14 14:33:01

OK. So you know, deep down, that you have made a mistake and hooked your baby making wagon to a very stationary star! He is comfortable with his life and so is going nowhere fast and taking you with him.

Before Friday write him an email that begins like this:

Whilst awaiting your tome, the expression of your feelings, your emotions, your take on things I thought I would memorialise a few of my own:
List/explain exactly how you feel right now!

OK, you don't have to send it, but you might want to read it a few times to see where YOU are in all of this. To be honest, if you always feel how you sound here you need to use the holiday season to good effect. Re appraise your life and make some decisions that suit you. Be selfish, be very selfish. What do YOU want to do for the rest of your life?

If the answer does not include: spend it looking at DP and wondering 'what if?' then you have some changes to make!

Good luck xx

RubbishMantra Tue 16-Dec-14 14:34:30

That's just cruel, making you wait weeks until he feels like discussing the situation. Cruel indeed.

dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:35:00

i wanted a child with him because he is a good man, good with children, loyal etc. he always said that he wanted to be a 'success' before he had dc. so i thought i would wait and give him the time to do that.

he also said that he didn't want or dog but now she's here he loves her, and he assumes that would be the case with a dc. but he is just giving me mixed messages. i.e. let's try for dc -but we must never speak of it.

although we spoke almost constantlyabout his book for the past 8 years, so I thought that he would reciprocate when it came to an important thing that I wanted to do - i.e. have a dc.

RubbishMantra Tue 16-Dec-14 14:36:57

Sorry, posted too soon. That's not how you treat somebody you care about. Don't put up with it. He's even told you he's not interested in supporting you emotionally. What an arse. sad

HellKitty Tue 16-Dec-14 14:38:06

Jesus, don't wait until Friday! Start calling the shots, your shots, as of now. You want to spend the rest of your life tip-toeing around this man? Trying to think before you speak incase you say a word with the dreaded letter 't' in it? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Times up, game over. Make a free appointment with a solicitor and start living. You have time to fall in love and have babies without spending your years talking this fuckwit around.

RubbishMantra Tue 16-Dec-14 14:40:25

Oh, and if you did have a child together, you try to discuss parenting. He then says, "we must never speak of this."

dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:41:21

thanks all. i will update on Friday 19th if re contacts me. but I have already decided hat I am going to sound xmas and new year at my mum's (she lives on a Scottish island) and take my dog out, and read books in bed.

HellKitty Tue 16-Dec-14 14:42:16

That sounds like bliss Dazed x

dazedandconfused1980 Tue 16-Dec-14 14:43:06

*spend not sound

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