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Torn!!...VERY LONG POST!!

(15 Posts)
BlueDiamond89 Tue 16-Dec-14 12:03:07

Hi all

I'm new to this thread, I don't usually post in forums but I'm so desperate for answers that I've decided to share my dilemma. So here it goes...

I'm 25 and have been with my partner for nearly 2 and a half years and we have a 15 month old together (I fell pregnant very early on into our relationship - 4 months). My partner is absolutely amazing, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have him, he loves me so much and is always supporting me and is there for me whenever I need him. He constantly says me and our son are "his life".

I love him so so much but here is my dilemma...I just don't fancy him anymore and I have developed feelings for someone else (a good friend of mine). We have a loving relationship but the physical side is just not there anymore. I don't really like the thought of having sex with him and my partner suffers from erectile dysfunction so we only end up having sex about once or twice a month and due to this I have given up even trying. I also feel like there is something 'missing' in my relationship and the spark has gone. I have spoken to him about this and he says we should keep trying to get the spark back but I don't know if we can.

Now, my friend...I have known my friend for over 6 years and we have always had a strong physical connection towards each other, and we also go to each other for advice about things. My friend also lives out of town, so I would go and see him as a 'stress relief' whenever I wanted to get away from city life. I fancied my friend when I first met him (so when I was 19) but that feeling soon subsided. When I met my partner, he read my Facebook messages and found out that I used to fancy my friend so he didn't want me to see him (which is fair enough). So for 2 years I never saw my friend as requested by my partner but I still spoke to him here and there.

Earlier this year, my partner and I split up for a few months for various reasons including the ones mentioned above. During our time apart, I went to see my friend and I felt our connection was stronger than ever, and I'm not just talking about physical. We didn't contact each other for about a week after and I thought maybe he had started seeing someone so I got back with my partner. I was upset at this thought as I wanted to see if anything could come from our connection. I soon found out afterwards that he felt the same way and wanted to see if it would have went down the relationship route. I can't stop thinking about about my friend since I saw him, though I still speak to him.

I went to split up with my partner recently as I felt due to my feelings I couldn't be in the relationship anymore as it wasn't fair on any of us, though I did not tell him about having feelings for someone else but he would not accept the break up so I sort of felt 'forced' to stay with him even though part of me still wants to confused I'm so torn that I have asked him for some space so I can clear my head...

I feel so guilty towards my partner for feeling like this, and feel like such a bad person but I'm so torn I don't know what to do...sad

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Tue 16-Dec-14 12:34:15

Two and a half years at age 25 is nothing. I think you owe it to yourself and your child to try.

I appreciate that sex is important, of course it is. I went off DP soon after I had both children. I have no doubt that it was partly something psychological to do with now being a mother, being touched out, finding life a bit dull and tiring at times and not making time for each other. Parenting changes relationships. I have no doubt too that if some other man had caught my attention I might have found my mojo, a new person, the excitement and feeling desired can be quite an aphrodisiac.

Sometimes, we make silly mistakes, jump too soon, like having babies four months in, these things happen, and as adults we have to live by our decisions and mistakes and make the most of the things. However, children don't have this privilege.

You are only 25, why not try and see if you can make it work? If after trying, and knowing you have really given it your best shot and it's never going to work, then walk.

kaykayblue Tue 16-Dec-14 13:05:31

OP - I don't think you have done anything bad per se. You seem to have been respectful of your partner's wishes not to see your friend, until you two broke up for a few months. If I've understood, nothing physical has happened between you two.

I think you need to remove this friend from the equation though. At the moment he just represents "what might have been". The reality would probably be a few short weeks of intense feelings, and then you realise that the reality can never live up to the fantasy. You owe it to your partner to consider your relationship with him separately.

The decision you need to make is whether you would be happier with your partner or on your own, and then take it from there.

No-one can know if your relationship will work out in the long term, but the adult and respectful thing to do would be to sit down with your partner and discuss your worries within the relationship. Your friend shouldn't feature in that discussion at all.

Presumably your partners erectile dysfunction isn't that pronounced, otherwise you wouldn't have got pregnant in the first place. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. You don't have to immediately jump to full on sex - you can start with re-initiating kissing and build up from there.

If the spark is well and truly gone - after you have tried - then there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship.

But all of this should come from what happens between you and your partner. Again just for emphasis, your friend has no place in that.

Newlywed2013 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:16:20

Sex is not the be all of relationships! My husband would be so happy with 2times a month! Are relationship is not and has never been built around sex!

M00nUnit Tue 16-Dec-14 13:38:34

It sounds to me like you've tried really hard to make it work with your partner but you're simply not attracted to him any more. This isn't your fault. You're only 25 and presumably he's still pretty young too. So he's still got loads of time to meet someone who's really crazy about him and so have you! I know it won't be easy breaking up, especially when you have a son together, but they can still see each other and have a great relationship. I just don't think you should stay in this relationship with your partner when it's so obviously not the type of relationship you want.

WannaBe Tue 16-Dec-14 13:41:25

nobody should feel compelled to stay in a relationship they are genuinely not happy in, but as others have said above, sex is not the be all and end all, especially so soon after having a baby.

And your friend is not the answer, and tbh he's no friend if he's confessed to having feelings for you at a time when you've been trying to reconcile with your partner.

But it sounds as if you've been incredibly unfair on your dp if you only went back because you thought your friend had started seeing someone else. Sounds like you were hedging your bets somewhat and that's not exactly fair is it?

So firstly, cut contact with your friend. no emails, texts, delete his number and remove him from fb. No good can come of any contact between you at this stage. And then work out whether you want to stay with your dp or not. If your dp has ED issues there are things he can do to try to resolve those, starting with a visit to the gp. Given you say you're having sex twice a month, while it might not be as much as you would like, it doesn't sound like a sexless relationship either. So if that is the only issue in your relationship then try to find a way to put things back on track.

This isn't just about you any more, you have a child to consider. Ask yourself whether having a better sex life is worth giving up your child for 50% of the time.

It sounds as if you got pregnant way too quickly, but it's happened now and now you have to consider that baby in your future decisions.

BlueDiamond89 Tue 16-Dec-14 13:58:52

I think I might have given everyone the wrong impression here. Just to clarify, I do not think my relationship is based on sex nor want it to be based on sex, it's just one of the factors that I am not happy about in my relationship but it is not the MAIN factor.

Regarding my partners ED problem, he did not have this problem when we first got together but gradually happened. We had spoken about this previously and he went to the GP and recently spoke about getting some counselling to get to the root of it.

The main factor of how I am feeling is because I am not attracted to him anymore. I didn't find him all that physically attractive at the beginning but I didn't care because his personality is what attracted me to him and is what I fell in love with. He is an amazing father to our son but I just feel like I want something more when it comes to our relationship.

dadwood Tue 16-Dec-14 14:00:20

Hi BlueDiamond89

This is the bit that sticks out to me:

but he would not accept the break up so I sort of felt 'forced' to stay with him even though part of me still wants to

If it is as you describe that he would not accept a break up then it is a major red flag and you should be on the lookout for other examples ofcontrolling behaviour form your partner. If you find them, then you should seriously consider leaving him because of these, they get worse, you see.

dadwood Tue 16-Dec-14 14:01:47

Has his personality appeared to change at all over the 2.5 years?

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Tue 16-Dec-14 14:03:14

Well yes, it should be someone's personality you fall in love with, the rest ages, wears out, stops working and is less attractive over time. Its the person within that should be attractive to you. If it was his personality you fell in love with, what has changed about his personality? To be honest I think that it is very strange to fall in love and out of it so quickly, but maybe that is just me. So something really fundamental must of changed about him?

BlueDiamond89 Tue 16-Dec-14 15:17:43

I have not fallen out of love with him, I am still in love with him but I'm starting to think maybe we are not as compatible as I once thought. Throughout the relationship it has felt like I am dealing with a child, as he does not seem to use his common sense when needed, but I spoke to him about it and he does seem to have taken it on board.

He said that I was perfect for him, and when he asked me if he was perfect for me, I couldn't answer! I felt terrible! I just feel like the problem is more to do with me than him, in the sense that no matter what he does I would still feel the same somewhat.

I don't know if this is just a phase, how I'm feeling as I have been told it is normal to feel like this roughly after 2 years into a relationship?

Flimflammer Tue 16-Dec-14 15:52:12

I'm a bit confused by what you are saying. Isn't sexual attraction a beauty in the eye of the beholder thing? If you are in love with someone thenyou think they are the most gorgeous person on earth. So if you really fell in love with him that would lead to finding him attractive.

Who made the first move? Why did you go out with someone you didnt fancy? Was it a case of his attraction to you and the way he treated you making you feel validated?

Windywenceslas Tue 16-Dec-14 16:21:50

This is the problem with having a child so early on in a relationship, you're forced to move quickly before you've had chance to see if you're truly compatible. I'm not criticising, these things happen and it sounds like you've tried hard to make it work.

You need to set the other man aside, he's only clouding the issue. Decide whether or not you want to work on your relationship with DH without OM in the picture.

Is your DH prepared to go to his GP about his ED? Have you considered relationship counselling?

Ultimately, if you decide you don't want to be in your relationship you have every right to end it. You don't need his permission.

dadwood Tue 16-Dec-14 16:25:55

Did you mean to run two threads concurrently OP? There's another similar one which appears to have been started by you

dadwood Tue 16-Dec-14 16:27:41

If it's a duplicate, you could report it to MNHQ by clicking the report link on it and tell them it's a duplicate.

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