AIBU to ask DP to come home early (ish) from Xmas party

[mammammio]

OK so DP has got his second Xmas party this eve, the big one was last week (night away, 5am bed and v hungover) to be fair he kept in touch with me all night and gave me no concerns to worry about what he was up to / whether he was OK.

I am 28wks pregnant with DC2, both I and DS1 are sick at the moment with a bad cold, nothing major, we will live but generally finding it a bit tough to get up and to work in the morning.

Tonight is DPs team party. It's a meal and drinks I think with his small team of 8 colleagues. Tomorrow I have to get up at 7am to go to Edinburgh for a work meeting and for my own Xmas party, which is a meal/drinks. I will be leaving at 9pm to get the last train home (I didn't want to stay over as not sleeping well now).

I asked DP this morning if he would be OK to get the last train home (meaning leaving the party at 11ish) he said he thought it would probably be an early finish anyway but wasn't sure. I could tell he was annoyed I had asked.

So I have since (via email) pointed out the reason I ask is when he comes back late it always wakes me up / I often struggle to sleep when he is not here as I suppose I anticipate being woken. I am sleeping badly anyway now due to baby kicking, getting up for a wee etc and i find when I am woken i find it incredibly hard to get back off to sleep. I tried to explain this (nicely) by saying he has had one 'big party' already where he got to drink as much as he wanted / stay up all night and that I thought it was reasonable to ask he come home earlier tonight so that I can sleep because being pregnant is hard sometimes.

Is this is a reasonable request or am I being a selfish cow? I should add in general he is good at getting up to look after DS1 and is generally quite considerate but I still feel as if my life has many many more restraints on it that his does and sometimes feel this is unfair.

[Bowlersarm]

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. On the one hand christmas parties don't come round every month of the year and maybe the night out with his team - his closest colleagues - is very important to him. On the other hand you've listed reasons why you're not being unreasonable.

Oh I don't know.

[pictish]

I think yabu sorry.

[mammammio]

Ha ha Bowelrsarm...that is exactly how I feel, I don't think he is being unreasonable really it just pisses me off a bit that for guys nothing changes when their partner is pregnant and I feel like I have to put up with more ups and downs / physical things and perhaps he should have to sacrifice the odd thing too. Arrrrgh, i need to respond to him but don't know how to.

[mammammio]

Thanks pictish, that's fine, I want honest responses! Sometimes I don't know if I am being reasonable...or over-reacing as hormonal.

[pictish]

That's hardly his fault.

Having had three babies myself, I can't recall ever being compelled to make my husband do as I say just because I was pregnant. If I had trouble sleeping that wasn't his fault.

[fluffyraggies]

Have you a spare room he could come back to? Or ask if him if he has to be back very late, to kip on the sofa?

I don't think you are BU personally.

[mammammio]

No i know, it's definitely not his fault I don't sleep well, I would never put it like that it's just bloody annoying for me and I suppose I think I do a lot to make his life easier (give him a lie in at the weekend, doing his washing, make his dinner every night) so sometimes a bit of putting the other person first can go a long way.

[pictish]

You will get a mix of answers on here to be honest OP.

There are those that believe being pregnant is akin to holding the Golden Spectre of Fucking Everything, and turns you into she who must be obeyed at all costs no matter what.

And there are others who just get on with it.

I was the latter, but plenty will argue for the former.
To each their own I guess.

[mammammio]

Yes we do have a sofa bed, I did think of that. I think he will be pretty miffed if I suggest that as it's rather uncomfortable!

[Thurlow]

This is a hard one.

On the one hand yes, he has had a big party already and you are tired, run-down and have your own big day tomorrow.

On the other hand, it isn't his fault that you can't get to sleep when you know he's coming back.

It is difficult that women are the only ones to suffer through pregnancy and it can be hard when you're feeling tired and grumpy and know that you're going to have crap sleep and maybe a not particularly good party because you can't drink etc. But that's not really his fault - it's not like he opted out of being pregnant, he didn't have a choice in the matter.

I think you are being a bit U - but equally, I don't think asking someone to be on the last train home is particularly U.

[pictish]

*sceptre

stoopid phone

[Bowlersarm]

What would he do if he doesn't get the last train home?

[pictish]

I suffered insomnia in each of my three pregnancies, and hated being disturbed, but I never saw it as good reason to tell my dh what to do/when to come in/where to sleep.

[mammammio]

Thanks for these thoughts. Perhaps the best approach is probably to just say I will leave it with him, he knows how I feel, basically I don't want to make him feel really bad about it before he even goes out so I think I will just say I'd appreciate him being back not too late but that I understand he is not responsible for my sleep (or lack of) and leave it at that. He can interpret that how he will.

[mammammio]

He can get a taxi later, it's about 40 mins away I think

[CheeseBuster]

I think YABU sorry, I do get where you are coming from though.

[fluffyraggies]

Well, i think it would be nice to think that because the OP is suffering pregnancy insomnia, the DH might put himself out for one night and sleep on the sofa bed.

No, he doesn't have to, and no, pregnancy is not a ticket to anything you want, but marriage isn't a work contract. You can do things just because it would be kind and you love the other.

[SoonToBeSix]

Of course yanbu I don't get this holding your partner up to be some sort of god whose plans cannot be disturbed for the benefit of anyone else. Of course dads should make sacrifices as well. He is affecting your sleep if he comes back late so he should come back at a decent time.

[mammammio]

Thanks fluffy, that is exactly how I see it, If he asked me to do something like this for him, I'd just do it, no questions asked because I wouldn't want him to suffer by me having to put myself out (possibly) a bit but i can understand everyone is different.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

I think an 11pm curfew for a Xmas party is a bit crap tbh so on that point YABU.

Perfectly fine to suggest the sofa bed though if it means you will get a better nights sleep.

[pictish]

You're just getting warmed up by 11!

[Joysmum]

I would go for the sofa bed option as I don't think a curfew is fair.

If he appreciates you need your sleep to enjoy your party then he'd be glad to do it

[pictish]

I think asking him to kip on the sofa is a good compromise.

[RunawayReindeer]

Hmmmm.... I don't think you are necessarily bu but I do think he has a point. Men tend to be strange 'international man of mystery' beasts who like to think they have control over everything.

There is every chance he knows that he is pushing it with a second party, and your ill, and you will get disturbed etc. but wants to go very much... And will therefore owe you a favour (always good to have one or two in stock for emergencies)
Also, he may not have realised that he would be keeping you up so much.

I would just let him go witha bit of a 'oh well, it's your party- I just wanted to spend the night with you etc etc guilt guilt' boys shall be boys, if he feels he has a curfew, he might be more inclined to stay out. Odd things

[pictish]

I have to say i think passive aggressive guilt tripping sucks.
Just say what you mean and reach a compromise. Don't 'leave it with him' - which basically means you'll be pissed off if he doesn't choose to do what you want him to, and don't bother trying to manipulate him into choosing your way either.
Behave like a reasonable adult, talk to him and decide what's what regarding the party.