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Does anyone else find dating so wearing/difficult?

(39 Posts)
vintagecrap Tue 16-Dec-14 07:07:30

I've online dated for a while but it seems to be getting worse and I feel like throwing in the towel.

In just a week, I have had :

someone I has been chatting to for two weeks and had a date lined up for Fri, pulled out. So disappointing.

I've had one where we chatted for a bit, he asked for my number and said he would phone to set something up. No phone call And vanished off the face of the earth.

I had one who messaged me saying he regretted not asking me out earlier in the year. I sent a reply. No further response.

One who I chatted with a few years back, again, said he really wanted to meet me. asked me if I wanted to make things interesting. I asked how and he said to go meet him now. I said I couldn't as I had no immediate babysitter but maybe we could another day. No response.

I've had one from real life who just kept saying how he kept imagining me naked.

and that's on top of all the weird messages.

I know in a way it's good. They are weeding themselves out. But it's so wearing. so time consuming, for what gain?

ConfusedNC Tue 16-Dec-14 07:13:45

I know two people who did online dating. Both put lots of effort in to get through the rubbish ones and both now married to lovely men.

But even knowing this, as someone going through a divorce, I'm not sure I could do it. bit too rough a process when I've been through mill. Think it'd put me off men entirely. Having married a pyscho coping with more weirdos is more than I could cope with.

ConfusedNC Tue 16-Dec-14 07:14:25

I'm going to be alone forever aren't I? Sigh. fsad

vintagecrap Tue 16-Dec-14 07:23:47

As am i. Ive been doing this YEARS. Ive also put in a ton of effort. And of course had periods of time where i didnt, or didnt do any dating at all. I think its more down to luck if you meet someone.

I dont know if its just me, or if its getting worse than it was few years ago,possibly because im now older. Or if im just meant to be on my own.

Rebecca2014 Tue 16-Dec-14 07:25:47

YES it is crap. I met up with one guy who couldn't wait get away from me, he was looking up train times and that went nowhere. I was talking to this other guy for over 3 hours on the phone and we were meant to meet up but he changed the time which really pissed me off so I cancelled, no idea if we meet up now.

I deleted my profile because I am not ready to start dating but from my short time on there talking to quite few guys it all seems a waste. You put effort into texting, talking to these guys and it seems to be for nothing. I been the one couple times to arrange a date and cancel so I suppose it does go both ways is a jungle.

Ragwort Tue 16-Dec-14 07:30:24

I couldn't put myself through it, it all seems so forced somehow - ie: you are meeting someone specifically with the idea of 'dating' (or in some people's eyes sex) without just developing a friendship.

I know that sounds really old fashioned - when I was newly divorced I met my second DH through a shared hobby (volunteering). I have a few friends who have tried internet dating and in all cases it was not a particularly nice experience, one eventually met her future DH through a drama society and the other was introduced via mutual friends. One of my DH's friends did get married by meeting someone on the internet but, IMO, it was a very cynical arrangement - she wanted a rich husband and he wanted a younger sexier wife. sad.

DoIknowitschristmas Tue 16-Dec-14 07:37:36

It is certainly very time-consuming. I did it for a while and just logged in one evening a week as you could spend all your spare time chatting online and answering messages.

I have met up with plenty of guys resulting in two relationships so I do think it can work.

Having just finished with one, I am going to take a break from it for a while. However if I do end up going back online, I am expecting to see the same old faces!

I would much rather meet a man in real life but that is unlikely and the last man I met on a night out turned out to be married!

vintagecrap Tue 16-Dec-14 07:41:50

I know a few cases where it has worked, ie, they are now living together, or married, or happily in a serious relationship. I know far more cases where people have the same sort of experience as me.

However, i dont ever get asked out in my day to day life. Ever. So i sort of feel like i have to be in it to win it, but then im not really winning anything.

vintagecrap Tue 16-Dec-14 07:46:24

Talk about the same old faces, they are!! There are lots on there, with the same photos, and the same blurb, from when i first started, years ago.

Mind you, im still on there, on and off.

In maybe 5 years ( god, that is depressing) of online dating, ive had 2 fwb which lasted a few months. 3 things which lasted a month. 2 things which lasted 3.5/4 months. That is it. God knows how many first dates as i lost count at around the 90 ish mark. And then further to that, how many people cancelled or i cancelled on, or etc, etc, etc.

I know its said to be a numbers game, but i feel like ive gone through more men than most people do in their life.

Doiknow - i would far rather meet someone in real life too. It just doesnt happen.

MadeMan Tue 16-Dec-14 07:46:54

Yeah I gave up on online dating; it was a waste of time.

annielostit Tue 16-Dec-14 07:58:04

Being single is a pain. I found my husband, at the works xmas drinks. We didn't like each other at work, he said I was a stroppy bitch and he was the miserable bas†@%d from the warehouse. That was 2002.
Don't look, he'll turn up when your least expecting it.

EssexInnit Tue 16-Dec-14 08:03:23

It worked for me! I only went on one date and two years later we're very happy. I suspect I fall into the category of 'very blooming lucky' though.

vintagecrap Tue 16-Dec-14 08:20:38

One date?

that's just insane.

The differences in our experiences could not be more different.

I've also had plenty of times where I'm not looking. shall I tell you what happens. ... nothing. nothing at all. Not even a bit of flirting.

TheCowThatLaughs Tue 16-Dec-14 08:21:02

From what I hear, it's hard work and you have to put a lot of time and effort in, but if you do, eventually you should find someone you like. I can't be arsed with it personally, but I'm happy being single so not a problem for me.

JapaneseMargaret Tue 16-Dec-14 08:22:53

I don't think I could ever do it, as I'm just too think-skinned.

If DH ever carks it, I will just have to get a load of cats.

Having said that, I'm sure people do still meet and fall in love the old-fashioned way.

ocelot7 Tue 16-Dec-14 08:22:55

Agree with all of the above...RL would be better if only....except Essex hmm it was knowing someone with yr experience that made me try it in the first place! 5 yrs later - one relationship of 1 month, one of 8....

JapaneseMargaret Tue 16-Dec-14 08:23:24


SunshineAndShadows Tue 16-Dec-14 08:42:23

If OLD feels a but 'forced' why not try meet up groups to expand your range of hobbies and meet people in the flesh. It's a more natural way of getting to know people with similar interests. Also you'll make more friends and this expand your social circle generally

DollyRocker1 Tue 16-Dec-14 08:51:12

I've been online dating for a couple of months. Meeting man 8 tonight and have only had one disastrous date. I've met some nice guys, made one good friend, and most of them have paid for dinner/ drinks (I always offer to pay halves but most insist). I set aside time to message during my commute so I'm effectively just using 'dead' time.

What sites are you using? I'm on Eharmony, match and Soulmates. Find on match a lot of guys just want to spend the evening chatting away, which gets on my nerves.

gottafindaman4yagirl Tue 16-Dec-14 09:01:37

OLD is hard work but I don't get the opportunities to meet men in RL. The people you meet from OLD are strangers, so after getting a date you have to put I time to find out who they are. If you do like someone you then wonder if they are still looking and chatting online. OLD makes it harder to trust and have faith in dating.
All the men in RL that approached me the last time I was single and under Twenty, were predatory weirdos. Now single at 33 its all about texting and OLD is a minefield.

Jackiebrambles Tue 16-Dec-14 09:04:30

I did it for years too.

Sometimes it all got a bit too much and I had several breaks, stopping for a few months, changed sites etc. If it makes you feel weary, leave it for a bit. You’ve got to be in the right frame of mind.

I started in 2004 and met my now DH in 2009. I would say from it I had about 3 ‘flings’, lots of interesting nights out and one 3 month relationship. Then I met the man who is now my DH.

We’ve been married 2 years and have a son and another baby on the way.

At the same time as online dating I never refused a social invitation, even when I really couldn't be arsed. My plan was to try to widen my circle as much as possible. Doing that at the same time I actually got two further dates from 'real life'.

ocelot7 Tue 16-Dec-14 09:05:12

I have had maybe 25? first "dates" of which 3 led to anything....I do resent the time & effort that goes into it - & drive to work so no time there - & if the messaging gets too intense the hopes dashed too...
Dolly you are at the early hopeful stage yet grin & helps that you are younger I think...

Walkacrossthesand Tue 16-Dec-14 09:06:26

Annie , the 'he'll turn up when you least expect it' line has been heard echoing down the years for those of us who've been single (and seemingly covered in man repellant, to pinch vintagecrap's wonderful line) and 'expecting nothing' for years. Along with 'you never know what's around the corner' - maybe not, but I have a pretty good guess! I tried OLD for a while but it didn't help at all - made it worse if anything, it's easier to live the single life without OLD-generated hopes that are disappointed.

Waitingonasunnyday Tue 16-Dec-14 09:11:56

Never tried OLD but I think in general, there are not many decent single men around. In my social circle I know lots of lovely single women friends, but not any men. So I guess I am saying 'its not you' it is them.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Tue 16-Dec-14 09:14:40

If you live the sort of lifestyle when you meet new people regularly, maybe you will meet someone organically. But when you are a lone parent and your social life is tricky to organise so you save going out for meeting really special friends, rather than trawling bars etc for me to chat to; if you work in a female dominated profession, you don't meet men organically. For me I think it's OLD or nothing. And OLD is time consuming and boring. I've only had one real life date and that's after dabbling for a while, I can't be meeting new guys every week because babysitting is an issue.

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