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I know I've been stupid but please help me unpick this

(105 Posts)
anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:00:09

I will try to keep the as short as possible. Occasional poster, long time lurker.

I was in an abuse marriage for 16 years 3 DC. He left over 7 years ago for OW. Dramatic situation with her that left me very scarred. I spent the next 5 years single working on myself, building my life/career prospects and generally avoiding another idiot.

2 1/2 years ago I met this really wonderful, kind, gentle non-abusive guy who was a lot younger than me. The 16 year age gap put me off but he looked and acted far beyond his years.

I'll cut to the chase and own up that I rushed into the relationship but it was easier to let the guy into my life and kids lives than spend time away from my kids with all the dating (he never moved in but was round at my house every day. Nights over were eased in very gradually).

We had a great relationship, he never once even raised his voice to me and was very supportive and helpful through some very difficult times for me including the sudden death of a very close family member, uni and a child with very complex learning disabilities.

He would tell me he loved me multiple times a day right through the whole course of the relationship and surprise me with gifts very often. The way he was with me every friend/family member reassured me he was not capable of hurting me.

However, the one problem that actually caused me to become quite unhappy was that he never had any close friends (and I was never introduced to any) and he never introduced me to his parents. He used his dad's ill health and other things as an excuse. He would speak to them on the phone about me and they would send gifts for me and I'd sit outside his house in the car while he would talk briefly with them at the doorstep. He swore blind he had told them the extent of the age gap and they were fine with it. Several time I tried to end it because of this but he would get so upset I genuinely though the guy really wanted the relationship that much.

Earlier on this year during my uni finals when I had asked him to stay at home so I could study, he joined the gym. I thought this was great as he did not have any friends anyway so would be good for him, and he met a few guys there and got into training 5 nights a week. After finals were over I started full time work and assumed he would cut down nights in the gym so that we could spend time together but he wouldn't. This started to cause problems.

Around about a 2 months ago I got the 'gut feeling', so to cut a long story short I tried to end the relationship to get him to see the problems this excessive gym going was causing. But this time he just accepted it gracefully and sad "oh well we can still be friends". I just knew. It turned out he had been "texting" a girl from the gym, and it really was only recent, not many very suggestive/dirty texts.

This is the situation now: he has dropped me like he was dating me 2 weeks. The girl is not sure if she wants a relationship and has said they will have a couple of dates and see how it goes. He was very upset by this and after 3 weeks of NC text and called me because he wanted to still be friends (he demo does not still want the relationship.

So ladies, WTAF had happened here? He has left me in a state of shock and wondering if I will ever recover. I have had an ongoing anxiety attack since and have lost so much sleep, can't eat and dropped a load of weight. Please help straighten me out.

If you got this far then thank you.

TinyWishes Mon 15-Dec-14 21:06:42

You aren't stupid.

Maybe it's about that time to meet someone more of your own age.

Leave him be. He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do! thanks

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:08:22

I hear you, thing is though, he gf before me is older and so is this other woman!

dadwood Mon 15-Dec-14 21:10:13

My guess is that the new girl is the symptom and that he has quietly wanted to leave the relationship with you for a while. Can't help with why though!
I am sorry to hear it. You'll recover! flowers

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:11:58

Thing is tho I had only just tried to end it again not long before and he was just as upset as ever. I feel really messed up right now.

CogitOIOIO Mon 15-Dec-14 21:16:34

He probably liked the instant family set up. When he was spending most nights at your place did he pitch in? Cook? Pay for groceries?

dadwood Mon 15-Dec-14 21:17:27

I'm not sure then. Maybe he wanted to end it on his terms. It is a little odd that he didn't have friends and wanted to make the relationship his whole world. Does he need a mother figure?

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:18:34

I have no no idea dadwood. He was exceptionally needy, I will admit that.

SwedishEdith Mon 15-Dec-14 21:18:38

He doesn't want to be alone so sorted out your replacement as soon as you made noises about ending it. It's definitely him not you.

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:19:38

The nights increased of a period of time, only going to every night 6 months ago. He did pitch in and helped pay for things.

dadwood Mon 15-Dec-14 21:20:55

Oh I think SwedishEdith cracked it!

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:23:43

Interesting points. I just can't get my head around the fact that the guy could literally not hurt a fly, knew how damaged I had been but did this!!

I do honestly think he cares for me he has even offered to give me money for as long as I need. I really can't work this out.

LineRunner Mon 15-Dec-14 21:24:06

Is this new girl older than you? Sorry if I have misunderstood.

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:25:34

Bit younger than me but till a lot older than him.

dadwood Mon 15-Dec-14 21:27:23

I just can't get my head around the fact that the guy could literally not hurt a fly, knew how damaged I had been but did this!!

Maybe the idea of being on is own is more than he can stand.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 15-Dec-14 21:29:23

OP, I'm confused. You ended it, he said "Ok". He has since contacted you asking to "be friends".

Have I got this right?confused

MiniTheMinxLovesMinxPies Mon 15-Dec-14 21:29:28

Are you struggling with the doubt, that if you had not ended it, he may not have continued to pursue the other woman?

He might have toyed with the idea, he might have exchanged a few texts, entertained a few doubts about your relationship and then might have realised he wanted to be with you? Maybe, but maybe not.

The thing is, he has decided that it is the end, even though he has no idea what will happen with this other woman. In a sense, his not knowing makes it clearer for you. The one thing he knows at the moment, is that he doesn't want the relationship with you. Just be wary though, because he is probably trying to keep his options open. He knows he can't pursue her if she knows he is still with you, but if he is still friends with you, he could hope to slope back in. Don't let him.

Don't be second best and hold out waiting. I know it must be very upsetting at the moment, but you deserve to be with someone who really knows they want to be with you. Not someone 16 years younger who could throw you over for some gym bunny.

SwedishEdith Mon 15-Dec-14 21:29:49

How long was his last relationship? Being the opposite of your previous partner is almost as though he knew the script to keep you. Don't know, I'm just speculating but he could just be good at acting as a good partner because it gets him what he wants - someone to stop him being alone.

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:31:50

Worst thing is. After he contacted re friends thing, I met up with him. He told me I was his best friend and preceded to tell me how hurt he was that this girl was now messing him around.

I own up I went effing mental (it was like a re-run of the OW). I gave the guy the worst character assassination I have ever given anybody and told him never to contact me ever again. I'm just reeling.

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:34:41

His relationship before me was 7 months (she ended by going back to her ex) and the one before that was 5 years which she ended by cheating.

I ended then realised he was up to something. He then said he did not want to work it out.

dadwood Mon 15-Dec-14 21:34:45

He doesn't have a very high emotional intelligence if he didn't know he'd upset you with this:

He told me I was his best friend and preceded to tell me how hurt he was that this girl was now messing him around.

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:39:56

I'm not worried that he may not have continued to pursue, in fact, I'm glad I found out when I did, really might have been the ExH re-run.

andsmileitschristmas Mon 15-Dec-14 21:40:53

for me the red flags about not meeting parents and friends were enough for me to be wanting you out of this relationship. You basically had no insight to any other relationships so know nothing about his attachments style - his 'MO'

He sounds uncaring and selfish - probably views you as stronger role model, a survivor and that you'd be did say he was needy.

If you wanted to finish it before then I guess you got what you wanted. From his POV he felt it may have been a matter of time so he jumped on his terms with another lined up.

anywilldo Mon 15-Dec-14 21:44:17

It's funny you should say that about the stronger role model. He was almost in awe of the way had rebuilt my life and the career I had pursued. He kept saying I would be ok because I'm so strong.

Just because I'm bloody strong does not mean I have no bloody feelings fgs I hurt just as bad as the next person, intact I'm elfin broken.

dadwood Mon 15-Dec-14 21:47:55

I think he is dependent on a current relationship, probably because he can't retain friends or other interests. This makes the whole enterprise of a relationship very high stakes for him and he feels he needs to be needed. I also think he has been attracted by your stability.

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