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Stalking me here....and hacked into my FB account

(38 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Mon 15-Dec-14 19:49:21

I'm so sad. I thought that such a long time after he used to stalk me here he'd have given up, but no. He is stalking me here again and last night somehow got into my FB account and changed my password so I am now without FB for 24 hours whilst they "monitor" my account from a security perspective. This also means I can't play scrabble which is my down time me time between being a single mum to three, a full time job, looking after lodgers etc. The scrabble is such a trivial little thing but has made me so cross! I am shaking my head in disbelief.

He's my ex. We are divorced. He lives in his own place. We (I?) do have some attraction that keeps drawing us (me?) sort of back together, but now he has done this and it feels like nowhere is safe anymore. I have to give up any form of online support.

I went through utter hell in my relationship and break up from him. Feels like I will never be free, that I cannot ever confide in anyone again.

I just needed to vent. Maybe for someone to say that I am blowing things out of proportion, that he is my EX, that it doesn't matter because he is not part of my life anymore (apart from ongoing access with our DS).

But this isn't normal is it? To track down your ex wife and hunt out her posts here, and to then hack into her FB account? And today he says he loves me so much, that we will be back together.

I'm so tired. Life is so busy and I have no one to talk to in RL. So here, and a few private groups on FB were my only retreat. And it feels now like it's all gone.

APotNoodleandaTommy Mon 15-Dec-14 19:51:23

I'm so sorry waves

No, it's far from normal.

I'm not a wise guru but wanted to send you a hug and flowers for having to deal with such shitty and debilitating behaviour

tribpot Mon 15-Dec-14 19:57:21

You'll get your FB account back tomorrow and then you can use a much stronger password to keep him out. You can use something like Keeper to generate strong passwords, change them regularly. Use an email address he doesn't know as your username.

Of course it isn't normal, what he's done is stalking. It seems completely in character with the way he's behaved in the past, and he can't take away support from you here. I find it disturbing that you're still questioning whether it's "we" who have this sick attraction. He is abusing you and you have been groomed to allow it. There's no 'we'.

Take back your online identity and your online space. Then take back your real life too. He doesn't get to win.

Twinklebells Mon 15-Dec-14 19:59:03

Can you go NC with him? Him telling you he loves you then behaving in distinctly the opposite way to that is clearly messing with your head. I wonder why you still speak to him? Doorstep handovers and a payg mobile for discussions about contact/child/ren and surely that is enough?

Tobyjugg Mon 15-Dec-14 19:59:34

No this is NOT normal. In fact it's very worrying.

CogitOIOIO Mon 15-Dec-14 20:07:45

I'm glad that your on/off relationship is now definitely off. Hacking accounts is a pretty serious thing to do, stalking is criminal behaviour and, if you have evidence, you should keep it as you might need to show it to the police if it continues.

As an aside..... I hope this post is genuine and not a hacker posing as someone they're not

wavesandsmiles Mon 15-Dec-14 20:12:44

Oh it's really me. I changed my password on here to something completely out of the "norm" for me so hoping this is safe. But I am going to have to do the NC thing I guess. I don't care if he sees this. I'm feeling so cross and betrayed.

WhyTheFace Mon 15-Dec-14 20:25:14

He's so horrible waves. I have lurked on your threads forever it seems and I hate what he has done to you. He is a hateful cunt.

He is cruel, he is abusive, he is a stalker, he messes with your head at any given opportunity. He is a true wrong 'un.

The attraction you feel, that isn't real you know? It's self defeating damage. He's damaged you and you think that this feeling is "attraction" but it isn't - it's adrenaline, fear and anxiety. You're so used to living a high fuelled drama filled relationship that it feels normal and like "love". This isn't love.

FB will be back for you tomorrow, but maybe you can spend tonight reflecting a bit on going NC again and really, really doing it this time.

You're bright, beautiful, clever, accomplished, brave, gently and kind. Don't waste another second of this life that goes so quickly, on this complete bastard.

Please.

rjay123 Mon 15-Dec-14 20:30:56

Run an antivirus scan, in case he has installed something to monitor your computer and find out your passwords that way.

Haffdonga Mon 15-Dec-14 20:44:41

I too have followed you Waves both with great admiration at your strength and resiliance in the face of enormous challenge, but also dismay at the way this tosser keeps pulling you back in and then dropping you again and again. He just tweaks the strings when he feels you're gaining strength to make sure he doesn't lose his hold. He needs you on the back burner to boost his ego in case his other options don't come through. angry

You do realise that this latest little game is exactly the same, don't you? You're starting to build yourself up again. He hacks your FB just to show you that he's there. You respond on MN (which he will be reading with delight) and he gets the gratification of hearing again how great an effect he has on you. So by posting this you are joining the dance with him again, Waves. sad

I know you've been told again and again to cut contact and it's easier said than done, but it is honestly the only way to heal yourself. Come back to MN with a new name. Change your passwords. Block his number and email. Arrange ds's contact through an intermediary. You are worth a million of him and you can thrive without him. Stop the dance.

ScrambledSmegs Mon 15-Dec-14 21:09:08

He sounds like a very unpleasant person. The kind of person who enjoys letting you think that there's an uncontrollable attraction between you so he can continue to toy with you, time and again.

I hope you can sever the unhealthy connection you feel to him soon.

auntpetunia Mon 15-Dec-14 21:46:23

Oh waves I was only thinking about you the other day. I can't belive twunt is still being an arse. He really really is the bastard I've always said he was.

Please remind yourself of the horrendous way he treated you when you where pg with the gorgeous C. He doesn't love you, he loves having power over you, and you still fall for it, I know you can't help that but for your sake and the children's you really need to go completely NC again, you've done it before you can do it again.

I agree you need to get your computer checked for key loggers or viruses and if you think he's on here then report him to mnhq or if he posts in a thread then report an get blocked.
Please don't leave MN so many of us always have you in our thoughts. flowers
Ps. Twunt you absolutely horrendous excuse for a human do fuck right off there's a good boy!

JoanHickson Mon 15-Dec-14 21:49:48

It's normal to struggle after breaks and have interest in those you were close to. To hack an account isn't normal. When you post on my anyone can read what you post.

JoanHickson Mon 15-Dec-14 21:50:14

*On line

CalleighDoodle Mon 15-Dec-14 22:02:26

As others have said, Create a new email account and new passwords for everything. Ensure you choose log out of all devises option where possible. My twunt of an ex had access to my icloud for nearly 12 months before he admitted it during an argument. Then a few weeks ago he informed me he accidentally synced one of my email accounts to his outlook account and has had access to my emails too. Nob. Block him from fb and ditch your surname on there too,

APlaceInTheWinter Mon 15-Dec-14 22:16:29

Waves I've followed your threads from the beginning (with lots of name changes throughout) and have been in awe of your strength under his continued and persistent emotional abuse.

He is abusive and this is just another symptom of it. You could speak to Women's Aid about his latest actions.

He doesn't love you and he doesn't have the right to stalk you or hack your accounts. Speak to a solicitor about his behaviour. Speak to friends in RL about it. Speak to a counsellor. He's trying to get you to normalise actions that are both threatening and potentially illegal. Sweetheart, you have to try to build firm boundaries and barriers and use every means at your disposal to keep him on the other side of them. If that means going to the police or sending a lawyer's cease and desist letter then so be it.

This is still your retreat. Don't let him take it away from you. He will only ever read negative comments about himself here and I'm guessing he'll tire of that after a while.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 15-Dec-14 23:53:14

I also advise a chat with WA and a legal letter to this inadequate little bellend to inform him that any further attempts at contact, stalking, and harassment will lead to police involvement.
Pathetic, failed human beings like this man sometimes need a reminder that they are not above the law and do not have superpowers. And being exposed to the weary contempt most police officers feel for creepy losers is quite good for them, as well.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 23:57:41

Are you still sleeping with him?

wavesandsmiles Tue 16-Dec-14 12:27:35

I went totally NC with him after last posting here. But it is pretty hard to be no contact when you have a baby together that he sees twice a week. So not NC anymore, and it becomes a struggle to get the boundaries right. I feel in so many ways that I am a strong person but when it comes to him, I am not.

Apparently he hacked into my personal email account to access my FB.

It's a mess, there's a lot going on. I'm going to keep a low profile for a bit and hope that in time I can post for the support I obviously need.

Thanks for your comments.

Lweji Tue 16-Dec-14 12:48:55

I think you should report the hacking to the police. It's part of DV, as he was your partner.

Regarding contact, you can set regular times, so that you don't have to keep more contact than strictly necessary. Keep handovers to a minimum.
But... you can go no contact with the father of your child. You could have a 3rd party doing handovers and to discuss things. If he doesn't respect your boundaries you can tell him to arrange contact via a contact centre or someone you trust.

Twinklebells Tue 16-Dec-14 12:52:59

Have you set up a new email address - one he has no clue about and will never find? If not please do that now.

I agree about 3rd party handovers - there is nothing to say you need to do those. And have you also formalised maintenance via the CMS? You need to take back control. Also if you are on Facebook/Twitter tighten your settings so your account is totally private. You can hide everything, even your friends list and your likes. It is the only way.

TheFriar Tue 16-Dec-14 12:57:54

Yes report it.
Create a new email account with a strong password.
Create new account on FB, MN etc with new email.
Create another email (if possible from a different provider) for contact with him only if you need to

tribpot Tue 16-Dec-14 12:58:16

Make sure you're using an email account with two-step verification on it like Google mail. This will make it much harder for him to break into.

Because he doesn't respect boundaries, it will always be a struggle to get boundaries right whilst you have contact with him. The right boundary is no contact.

Hope you have regained control of your FB account.

WhyTheFace Tue 16-Dec-14 13:31:34

Because he doesn't respect boundaries, it will always be a struggle to get boundaries right whilst you have contact with him. The right boundary is no contact.

This is it. There are ways of navigating NC while allowing access - I wonder whether WA would be able to help you with this, or if not try a thread here under a namechange to get some advice.

I think though, that part of this is the "pull" you feel towards him. At the risk of repeating myself this is NOT LOVE. This is not some great passionate romantic love story. This is horrible abuse.

I used to say this stuff about my XH, that we would always love each other wildly, that our relationship was tempestuous but that was because we were so passionately in love with one another. It was all bullshit. I am damaged and he's a bastard who used that for years to cause me mental anguish. Only when you confront this truth and accept will you be able to move on and away from this nightmare.

I really hope you choose to do this soon, lovely waves.

Footle Tue 16-Dec-14 14:44:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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