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Email from DHs friend

(77 Posts)
MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 15-Dec-14 18:33:00

Ok my husband was recently telling me with much amusement about an email his best friend sent him about an affair he had. His wife knew and was apparently ok with it, and the email was very braggy and quite graphic in places. However, the tone of some parts have really pissed me off, and i want some other views. I feel that he almost seems to be encouraging my husband to give it a go, and i feel like DH is being disloyal by not challenging some of these views. We have argued a few times over this, and his lack of response. He says it would not influence him, and he disapproves of his affair but i still feel he should say something to him.

Here are a few quotes from the email: 'compatible people are out there everywhere... You could pick up something new with anyone... It is not necessary to settle for really stupid stuff in a relationship cos u could just move on... Having closeness (and sex) with someone who isnt your wife can be perfectly fine if handled right... I suspect you're a lot like me, and don't get praise in your day to day life... Mostly people bitching to me .... What i didn't realise is how much meaning having just one extra person tell you they think you're wonderful, how much that means'.

The general tone of the email is one about how fab it was, comparing woman to his wife (who's just had a baby) etc by referencing her 'droopy boobs' etc and just so disrespectful. He did have an emotional affair about a year before this, but they didn't have sex cos the other woman felt to guilty - he was very keen to do so! In the email he thanks DH for his support re the previous woman (DH says he didn't really support him as such, but did a bit cos his friend was sad). I know my judgement is partially flawed cos he comes across as such a jerk in the email, i used to like him. Am i being crazy over this? I genuinely feel very upset and betrayed, tho can't exactly explain why, and i feel he owes DH/ me an apology as feels like he is trying to suggest an affair wud be good for DH too. They rarely see each other but r due to meet up next week, and it brought it all to a head again this weekend. I wud never say they cant be friends etc, but deep down i wish they wouldn't. Do i need to get a grip, and if so, how?

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 15-Dec-14 18:36:10

He can't make your DH have an affair if he doesn't want to. But yes, I can see why it'd annoy you. It's a perceived threat to your security, isn't it?

What a twat, though. Doesn't your DH think he's a bit immature?

bestofthesunshine Mon 15-Dec-14 18:41:02

Well....none of what your DH's friend has done is remotely acceptable within the bounds of a good relationship.

So if your DH think any of it is in any way ok then I think you have a problem on your hands. I'm not saying your DH is going to cheat, more that he has a distinctly wonky moral compass if he thinks any of what his friend has been up to is remotely reasonable.

MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 15-Dec-14 18:43:36

Yes DH says all the right things. I know he cant make DH hava an affair but does seem like he is encouraging it. Part of me thinks why would DH want to be friends with someone like that: i certainly wouldn't. Kniw its not really the friends fault but the bit thanking my DH really bothers me too. Am i overreacting to want him to say something to his friend?

Legodino Mon 15-Dec-14 18:46:14

I think you can tell your DH friend is a pilloc for having an affair just when wife is at most vulnerable and in need of support. I'd also assume he was from a troubled background and working hard to justify his actions. I'd then wonder what the wife really felt about it and explain you'd never tolerate it ever. But really DH has his own mind and make his own decisions. If he loves you, he will stay with you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 18:49:16

Are you and your H sure his wife is ok with this ? confused

And actually, in this circumstance I would expect my H to distance himself from a prick like this. Both of us are fairly choosy about who we spend our precious time with.

MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 15-Dec-14 18:51:36

Sorry Sunshine, cross posted - he says of course he doesn't approve etc but obviously he would say that. I just think if my friend said those things and bragged about having an affair etc i would have had something to say that she would not like. I think at the very least my DH should have said, i don't approve of what you are doing, and i am very happy in my marriage and i expect you to support me in that not give me lots of idiotic advice re affairs etc

LineRunner Mon 15-Dec-14 18:55:46

I would read that frankly ridiculous email out to my DP, look him in the eye and say, 'This man is an utter knob.'

Twinklestein Mon 15-Dec-14 18:58:26

He sounds like a prize twat quite apart from the affair angle. Who uses txt speak in an email? Who is so lacking in self confidence that positive input from one person makes that much difference? He sounds about 15.

I can't imagine my husband being friends with such a tit in the first place, but if he were this email would be the end.

MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 15-Dec-14 18:58:55

We really have no way of knowing whether wife was ok with this, just that she has not given friend any reason to think otherwise. DH says he told friend maybe she feels pressurised into saying she is ok but isnt really. Friend poo-pooed the idea. She is pretty vulnerable - obv new mum, but they emigrated to america for his job a few years ago, and visa says she can't work, she doesnt really have any friends, not much money, all family over here etc, and if she left him she would have to come back to uk or be deported.

Anyfucker - they rarely see each other anyway, but it does annoy me that he wants to spend time with this sort of person. He doesn't seem to be supportive of DHs marriage to me, from the email and is clearly not a good moral influence. It annoys me that they have been chatting etc as normal, as i just wouldn't want to listen to all this crap from one of my friends. It's just horrible. How do instop being mad at DH, and avoid feeling like he should ditch this friend?

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 15-Dec-14 19:01:46

You an tell a lot about people by who they choose as friends.

At the very least I would expect my DH to be telling this 'friend' that he doesn't wish to discuss, either by email or in person, his various affairs.

But in all honesty I'd expect my DH to completely distance himself from this utter twat, and if he didn't then I'd be looking at why he found his friends abhorrent behaviour and disgusting way of talking about his wife acceptable, and coming to the conclusion that he wasn't the man I thought I'd married.

JulyKit Mon 15-Dec-14 19:01:48

So this 'man's' wife is OK about him slagging off her body and implying that all she does is 'bitch' about him, and also his having an affair while she looks after a newborn?
Really? hmm Really?
Different strokes for different folks and all, but I just don't buy that his wife is OK with all that. He sounds like a total prick of the lowest order.

MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 15-Dec-14 19:02:25

Twinkle - the text speak was my abbreviation, sorry! Tho in all other ways he does sound like a 15 yr old. The email carries on to state all the ways he is a catch (yes he actually says that phrase)!... Cos he is attractive (really isn't btw), has a phd and a good job, and actually ridicules the first woman he was interested in for not seeing that and playing games cos she wouldn't have sex with him! Yuck!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 19:03:10

I wouldn't have any concerns that a bloke like this could "influence" my husband but I would be making it very clear that the old proverb you may know a man by the company he keeps is operative here.

JulyKit Mon 15-Dec-14 19:03:36

Just read your last post, Milly. I feel so, so sorry for that poor woman. It's very sad and he sounds like a bully and a fantasist.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 19:04:31

I also don't believe the wife is "ok" with this. She sounds like a woman in an abusive relationship and my husband would be the first to agree with me.

FelicityGubbins Mon 15-Dec-14 19:04:40

If it were my husband I would simply state that since he finds that sort of behaviour amusing and acceptable that I was off to find some bloke to shag and laugh about it to all my friends (and slag my husband off to boot) and that he had better be absolutely fine with it, or else he could get a massive fucking reality check and tell his scummy friend to grow up and fuck off...

Actually, I did do exactly that a few years ago and my dh rapidly had a change of heart about his "friend"!

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 15-Dec-14 19:05:41

What a twat your dhs friend is.

MillyMollyMandy78 Mon 15-Dec-14 19:09:03

July - we really only have his word to go on, but according to him, he phoned wife from hotel he was staying with work, said he had met a hot woman and would she be ok if he had sex with her. Wife apparently said ok, and was grateful for him telling her upfront? Also, when he met the previous woman, apparently he told his wife that her boobs were much more pert and sexier and she was much more attractive. When DH questioned him he said wife was perfectly ok with this... Honestly you couldn't make this shit up!

Cleanlines - that is exactly my point. I said you are judged by the company you keep, and for good reason! It makes me question how, and why my husband is friends with this guy! And i completely expect him to tell the friend he will not listen to any of this affair crap! If it was my friend i would make my disapproval very clear and not engage in any such conversations

Back2Two Mon 15-Dec-14 19:10:14

He sounds foul and like a right boring self-obsessed prat.

That poor woman.

I don't think my dh would actually be mates with anyone who spoke like that. I can't think that any of my dh's mates would for one second consider that he'd be vaguely interested in that pile of pathetic justifying and legitimising of shitty deceitful behaviour.

Joysmum Mon 15-Dec-14 19:11:17

Me and my DH would feel very sorry for anyone who couldn't see how wonderful it is to be in a relationship that has emotional closeness and sexual compatibility.

Tbh the email wouldn't bother me, the reply could though wink

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 19:11:22

he is a liar and a fantasist and if your husband swallows that he is thick

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 15-Dec-14 19:16:22

The friend is an out and out twat and your husband is a fucking prick for indulging him in his fantasy fairytales and then telling you about it "with much amusement".

I'm really not seeing anything to be amused about at all - are you?

Have you asked your DH which exact part of this story about a vulnerable woman in an abusive relationship is so funny?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 15-Dec-14 19:19:37

OP, is your husband one of those lily-livered men who gets dragged into strip joints and lapdancing clubs because he "doesn't want to lose face with his mates" ?

Tiredemma Mon 15-Dec-14 19:20:45

Your DH's mate sounds like a right twat

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