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why women should mske men wait for sex...Modern dating and dtd before commitment.

(122 Posts)
gottafindaman4yagirl Mon 15-Dec-14 15:58:34

Opinions on dtd too soon while dating. Been doing online dating for six months after being in a 12 marriage.
Waiting 5-6 weeks before having sex, no sex before commitment.
"^you want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him.If you don't- don't be surprised if a decent percentage of men never call again."^
I read this on a Evan Marc Katz site on understanding men and finding love.
With modern dating which takes up time, effort and can be a miserable experience trying to find a decent partner.

I am constantly worrying about dtd too soon, is sex really the prize that keeps men interested or gets them eager to get to know a woman.
What if women do wait 5-6 weeks and invest time and emotional in a man to find sexually they are not compatible.
Do men really look down on women who have sex too soon, making it too easy.

Male opinions welcomed
I personally think it shouldn't matter how soon as long as there's attraction, its safe and consented. Women enjoy sex and its always made out that men are always thinking about sex.
I am dating a guy and I want to dtd very early into dating, being sexually compatible is important to me.
Is the man going to feel I was given too soon and to easy to respect me enough to be in a committed relationship.

HelenaDove Mon 15-Dec-14 16:02:45

gotta im very uncomfortable with those types of attitudes because it paints women as the gatekeepers of sex.

You have sex when you are ready Its as simple as that. Re. your last sentence in your OP If he doesnt respect you even after having sex with you and making sure hes got his jollies then hes a misogynist with a Madonna/whore complex who hates women. Would you really want to be with a man who views women this way IF he does.

PetrificusTotalus Mon 15-Dec-14 16:06:32

we waited 3 months - got fed up of guys only interested in sex, they got put 'off' if I didn't sleep with them within a few days. To me, whilst it's important, it's not everything.

Greysanderson Mon 15-Dec-14 16:08:32

It really depends on what the man is after, some men are just looking for casual sex in which case this tactic will probably cause them to lose interest. But such men tend to be dating multiple women at the same time so their eggs aren't all in one basket so too speak.

In my opinion there will be men who disappear or dump after sex no matter how long you wait sometimes it might just be they feel you are not sexually compatible.

This view that you should wait only works if you have the view that women are the gatekeepers to sex and that they only have sex to keep the man rather than for mutual enjoyment. I have personally had long term relationships with women even after sex on a first date.

quietlysuggests Mon 15-Dec-14 16:10:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBlaBlah Mon 15-Dec-14 16:13:40

Ewwwww that dude is revolting. PUA.

What about men 'putting out' too quickly?
It's sexist archaic rubbish.

The only unfortunate thing is that there are still many men out there who are sexist and archaic so women feel like they must conform and gatekeep their vaginas in fear of being judged (by sexist archaic men)

museumum Mon 15-Dec-14 16:18:38

IMO waiting or not won't change the opinion of any one (decent) man in terms of whether he wants to be with you or not. If he's smitten with you then he'll still be smitten after you've slept together.

However, waiting does 'weed out' those who were never interested in a relationship in the first place.

There are loads of women out there happy to just have a shag, it really pisses me off that some men pretend they want a relationship when they actually just want a shag.

I guess the question is, can you help to 'weed out' those just wanting a shag in other ways? have a profile that says you want a relationship? talk about it early on in the dating? For heaven's sake go over his profile with a fine toothcomb and ignore anybody who wants 'a bit of fun' or any other shag euphemism.

victorianhomedreamer Mon 15-Dec-14 16:19:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JapaneseMargaret Mon 15-Dec-14 16:26:11

You withhold sex if you want to be sure that you're snaring a buffoon of a man with out-dated, archaic ideas, who holds women to different standards than men.

Other than that, you have sex when you want to.

Disclaimer: I have never internet dated, and I do realise it is a different kettle of fish. I still don't believe in withholding sex, to 'get a man'.

rockup Mon 15-Dec-14 16:27:44

women are the gatekeepers of sex. it is a hardwired evolutionary fact and not one that 50 or so years of social policy is going to change.

By all means, DTD on a first date if you like but don't be surpriosed if interest wanes shortly thereafter in some cases.

fairylightsonthetree Mon 15-Dec-14 16:31:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fakenamefornow Mon 15-Dec-14 16:41:45

I once heard on some Radio 4 brain science programme that when you have sex with somebody (male or female) it cements whatever feeling we have for the other person,whether that be love, hate or indifference . So, if you have sex quickly then you are unlikely to be in love with this other person and therefore unlikely to then fall in love, it cements the indifference.

That was their theory anyway.

JohnFarleysRuskin Mon 15-Dec-14 16:47:16

I have never worried about it, and always done it very quickly, had several long term relationships and er two marriages.

The only downside I think is some women grow too find of the man if they've had sex with him. If you're the kind to grow too fond too quickly then I would caution to wait.

Mammanat222 Mon 15-Dec-14 16:49:56

I shagged my OH second weekend we met. So basically the 3rd time I saw him.

Been together 7 years, have two kiddies.

Granted he was the first person I ever slept with many years before and I had made him wait almost 2 years when we were teenagers

HelenaDove Mon 15-Dec-14 16:52:59

Take a look at page 40 of the dating 83 thread. Proves my point beautifully!

ocelot7 Mon 15-Dec-14 16:57:02

I'm one for whom DTD makes me get involved too quickly (so learned to my cost that I can't do casual) hence like to be somewhat sure of my feelings first but it's not a set period of time...the problem is to know his feelings & whether he is genuinely getting involved or just adept at making it seem that way sad

gottafindaman4yagirl Mon 15-Dec-14 17:25:45

Victorian Interesting and I understand the yearning, I had this with my first love and exh.
Fairylights lol at the end bit of your post.

WineWineWine Mon 15-Dec-14 17:29:19

I completely agree with fairylightsonthetree
Have sex with who you want to, when you both feel the time is right.
If he disappears, he was never worth the effort. If you find the idea of that too difficult or unpleasant, then you have to wait until you feel the relationship is stronger, but that doesn't guarantee anything.
I have no time or interest in game playing and sexual compatibility is important to me, so I wouldn't with-hold in order to test him, I'd go with my own desires.

Chandon Mon 15-Dec-14 17:29:57

Helena, I would have no idea how to go about finding that.

What was the gist?

Baubelicious Mon 15-Dec-14 17:31:37

I want to wait until I feel genuine affection and not just attraction. I wouldn't be keeping somebody at a distance long after I wanted to sleep with them, as I wouldn't see the point.

A decent man won't lose interest in somebody who reciprocates their feelings. But I guess that's it, feelings, I would know if somebody had no feelings for me.

daisychain01 Mon 15-Dec-14 17:33:05

I think relationships are too personal and too unique to make broad generalisations and predictions about what's right and what isn't.

No matter how many studies/research programs are done, at the end of the day, the decision is between the 2 people, no-one else. That's the best rule. Do what's right for you in that relationship, be it a ONS or a LTR.

Live by your decision, own that action, and never regret! Life's too short.

Enough of these bloody acronyms, time for wine

daisychain01 Mon 15-Dec-14 17:34:34

.. said by someone who used to massively over-invest and has learned to come down from the clouds and "get real".

HelenaDove Mon 15-Dec-14 17:35:56

page 40 dating 83 thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2236664-dating-83?pg=40

Baubelicious Mon 15-Dec-14 17:38:44

victoriandreamer feminism isn't telling women to sleep with men on the first date though. What feminism reminds me is that women are as entitled as men to have their own sexuality and if that means a good loving relationship with sex then they're as entitled to openly admit to wanting that as men are to admit they want no strings sex

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Mon 15-Dec-14 17:44:48

women are the gatekeepers of sex. it is a hardwired evolutionary fact

Utter bollox.

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