Dreading ChristmasChristmas break with the in Law

[lauren42]

Posted before about crazy mother of my partner.

Meant to be all going for lunch on Xmas day with my parents and sibling and sibling's DP. Partner's mum already said she thinks she will be too unwell to attend and wants my partner to use up 5 of the 10 days holiday he is taking to sort out her living situation (recently sold her house and she can't decide where to move to....either on top of DP or 3/4 hours in various other directions... seems strange to me). Mother also said she wasn't a people person and would rather stay in with the dog.

Partner doesn't want to rock the boat with her as she is 'a bit of an emotional person,' as he puts it, and feels guilty and like he needs to sort all this for her as she has a check up scan for potential cancer in Feb.

Am I being a total bitch for feeling annoyed about all this? Feels like a constant battle. My partner is understanding about my feelings towards it all, but he never really acts on it... we will still end up pandering to her every need and being manipulated.

[MonstrousRatbag]

That sounds hard. Can you start by being very clear about what you want to do, yourself, and what you'd like your partner to do with/for you, as a minimum? Then I suppose you just have to negotiate from there.

[LittleDonkeyLeftie]

I remember your previous post - I think everyone advised that you have a DP problem.

If he doesn't want to upset her, but would far rather upset you, then you have your answer don't you?

I would send him off to spend the day with his mummy and have a lovely Christmas with my own family - I would tell him not to be in a hurry to come back either. As you say, he is going to spend his life "pandering to her every need and being manipulated." If you don't have the stomach for that, and I damn well wouldn't, then you need to make new plans for yourself don't you?

Good luck.

[lauren42]

Yes, I suppose you are right.

I have felt for a few weeks now that I should just say quite calmly, if you want to go and do that then go.

It just makes me so frustrated because I can see him being manipulated - if I told him this was the case he would take huge, huge offence to it. There's no winning!

Perhaps if I left him to it he would want to come back of his own accord? I am always too readily avaliable - though my reason for doing so is because I don't like to play games.

[MonstrousRatbag]

So don't play games. Be the sane adult here: state what you want, and what you are prepared to do (e.g. 'I am happy to see her on Boxing Day. I am not compromising my family Christmas though' or whatever). Then stick to it. Your MIL and DH can do the dance of the 7 veils about what their arrangements are, while you stick to what you said initially.