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How to deal with a very unexpected separation?

(31 Posts)
TheDetective Mon 15-Dec-14 14:39:09

I was married 5 weeks ago. I was informed of my husbands infidelity the afternoon of my wedding.

How do I deal with letting people know I've separated?

I've just announced my pregnancy. I'm 13 weeks.

I don't know how the fuck to proceed with this.

I've given him the chance to prove himself the last 5 weeks but he failed miserably. I'm ready to say it is over.

I need to tell people because I can't carry on like things are normal. I'm still getting congratulation messages from people on my marriage.

I just want the world to know it is over, while remaining dignified.

Georgethesecond Mon 15-Dec-14 14:46:08

Do it whichever way is easiest for you. By email if needs be. Just get it out there and take it one step at a time.

CogitOIOIO Mon 15-Dec-14 14:46:29

I'm sorry you've been let down so badly. You don't have to explain anything really beyond 'he turned out to be a big disappointment'. If you want more I'd suggest you tell one or two people 'in strictest confidence' as much of the truth as you can bear and then rely on them to pass it on.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 15-Dec-14 14:48:11

Let close family and friends know exactly what has happened.
Get them to give you some support and love.
If anyone congratulates from now on then just tell them it hasn't worked out as planned and you are no longer together.
Sounds a bit mad but change your status on Facebook to single. That will also get the message across.
I'm so glad you aren't staying with him. I remember your post at the time (if that is you)
Good luck with everything.

TheDetective Mon 15-Dec-14 14:54:54

Yes it is me.

We've been together 5 years, living together for 4. Have a just turned 2 year old. Another on the way.

It's going to be a massive shock to people.

My parents know. His mum and sister know. They all think we should stay together sad

I don't have any siblings.

I don't really have any RL support in this. But I could really use some right about now.

I'm ringing a friend/colleague later.

2 other colleague/friends know from when it happened. One of them thinks I should stay with him too.

I just feel like no one will support me in this, but I've done nothing wrong! It feels so unfair!

TheDetective Mon 15-Dec-14 14:55:52

I changed my facebook to separated, but it doesn't come up in your feed - it lets you know this before you confirm. I checked, and it just doesn't show anything publicly in relationship status now.

UncrushedParsley Mon 15-Dec-14 14:57:21

Please don't stay with him....once they have started down this road, they don't get any better IME.

tribpot Mon 15-Dec-14 14:58:28

Yep, I would let those closest to you know the whole story so there's no speculation. For people further away: unfortunately shortly after the weddings events came to light which made it impossible for me to continue the marriage and so we have separated and are looking forward to co-parenting our child in the new year. The end.

I remember your thread, very sorry (even if not very surprised) that he's failed to make amends.

firstposts Mon 15-Dec-14 14:59:35

You must be reeling from it all, so sorry you are going through such a traumatic time.

I would ask a few trusted friends to get the word out for me. No reason in the world why you should have to tell people personally.

Are you surrounding yourself with people who love you? You should. Take care of yourself even if eating right and trying to get enough sleep is pretty hard right now.

Congratulations on your baby, there will be a time in your life this is all a distant memory. Until then, just be kind to yourself and take it a step at a time.

CogitOIOIO Mon 15-Dec-14 15:00:23

If it's over, it's over. If friends and family don't like the idea it's not really their call. Do they think infidelity is no big deal? hmm I'm sorry if they're not being very supportive but sometimes taking a stand means pissing others off.

tribpot Mon 15-Dec-14 15:00:34

Cross-posted with you. I guess the answer to family is "everyone has to decide for themselves what they'd do in this kind of situation. This is my choice and I'm comfortable with it, and I want you to support me in it".

Miggsie Mon 15-Dec-14 15:01:38

I'm not sure why people are telling you to stay with an adulterer - do they have very low standards for male behavior?

If you feel it is right to separate then you need to do it - otherwise you will be so unhappy.

Does everyone around you not understand you are unhappy?

5madthings Mon 15-Dec-14 15:02:14

Oh I was wondering how you were, I remember your post.

I would be tempted to publicly tell what a twat he is but that's not dignified.

Your family and friends need to fuck off with telling you what you should do. O am guessing it's because they think it's better for the children and the baby...

You should hold your head up high, you haven't done anything wrong.

Maybe a mass email to friends and family explaining that things haven't worked out?

Is the pregnancy going ok? You were worried about continuing due to hg?

AskMeAnother Mon 15-Dec-14 15:05:24

I remember.

TheDetective Mon 15-Dec-14 15:09:25

Yes, they think I should stay with him for the children - which is what I tried to do. Given I have an older child from a previous failed relationship sad

I've been incredibly lucky to not have HG this time. Nothing short of a miracle quite frankly.

He's currently here in my house, as I have work tonight for the next 4 nights, so he will be here for those 4 nights, sadly.

He's acting like an absolute twat. I can't even explain what he is being like. How can he watch his pregnant wife sit opposite him crying. Callous bastard.

Him being here 4/5 days a week won't change until April. I work full time, so until I can start my mat leave I'm stuck with this cunt too involved in my life. sad

CheeseBuster Mon 15-Dec-14 15:10:23

You'll only really have to tell a few people in different circles and ask them to spread the word quietly. Good on you OP for not staying with him.

LittleDonkeyLeftie Mon 15-Dec-14 15:12:59

I also remember your original post when you were in the hotel you poor lamb sad

If anyone dares tell you to stay with him just retort that you must have higher standards than they do as you are not prepared to stay married to a lying cheating adulterer.

Unfortunately you cannot instigate divorce proceedings until a year, although you can probably get an annulment so long as you didn't have sex between the wedding and now?

Have you seen a solicitor? You need to secure your future for yourself and DC.

Re telling everyone, I would email and ask a trusted friend or two to spread the word. Without wishing to upset you, I am surprised that news of what happened hasn't already spread like wildfire.

I think you need to get tough with your family and point out that the least they can do is support your choices. thanks

OneSkinnyChip Mon 15-Dec-14 15:13:19

You are doing the right thing. Men like this don't change.

A distant relative was in this situation. Her Prince Charming told her in a drunken visit the night before their wedding. She looked awful on her wedding day but said she'd been up all night with a bug. She spent the night before her wedding crying her eyes out.

She went ahead with the wedding and wasted a further 9 years of her life with him while he proved again and again how little respect he had for her. Finally she realised that she didn't need him at all and got shot of him. She is now happily remarried.

Don't let people persuade you to change your mind. I know my relative felt under a lot of pressure from her mother to stay married and it is one of the biggest regrets of both their lives.

Twinklebells Mon 15-Dec-14 15:13:43

oh how awful for you. I am astounded they are telling you to stay with him for the sake of the children - that way madness lies.

Why can't he leave now? Have you seen a solicitor? Him there until April sounds like a form of torture.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Mon 15-Dec-14 15:14:28

Honestly, I would tell a few people, let them know that they can spread the news. And don't sugar coat it - you found out the afternoon of your wedding he was cheating. Your families sound weird frankly in thinking you should stay together - once word travels wider I think you'll find that they are a tiny minority.

Twinklebells Mon 15-Dec-14 15:15:27

I would find your most gossipy friend or 2 and tell them. Word will soon spread.

AskMeAnother Mon 15-Dec-14 15:17:30

'Staying together for the children' is from a different world - maybe seventy years ago!

You need to shake free of the duplicitous creep as soon as you can.

You've had failed relationships - that doesn't mean you're bad, just unlucky. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about having enough self-respect to want to be free of someone who cheats on you.

TheDetective Mon 15-Dec-14 15:20:48

He won't be here full time. He will be here around my shift work. He works part time (he's always worked PT) and I work ft shifts.

This week I'm on nights so he will have to be here pretty much 24/7.

His mum lives down the road which is where he will be the rest of the time.

I don't need much in the way of advice from a solicitor to be honest.

I'm tempted to go for an annulment but I'm weighing my options up.

House in my name in neg equity (interest only mortgage too). No savings (other than what I've put away so far for mat leave which is a few hundred in my current account).

There isn't much to sort really.

Baubelicious Mon 15-Dec-14 15:23:53

You poor thing.

Don't worry about the right way of informing people. Just let people know by email.


TheDetective Mon 15-Dec-14 15:26:27

I might be in a different world to everyone else, but I don't communicate via email. I have no idea of any friends or family email addresses.

I text or Facebook.

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