My sister has just told me she is having a baby for attention

[Confusedandshockedd]

Am regular but NC for this

Today I was speaking to my sister, she is 41 weeks pg and was complaining about it all (as you do when your overdue)

Whilst she was complaining she said 'I don't know why I went ahead with this pregnancy, I only got pregnant because you were' I have a 5 mo DD and she is single and unemployed, she told us all she got pregnant as her contraceptive failed. But obviously that is all her business and not mine!

She then admitted she came off the pill as when I announced I was pg every one was so exited, me and DM would go shopping together and everyone was exited for the first DGC. She said she felt pushed out with all of the attention on me and so deliberately set out to get pregnant so people would lavish her with attention and the focus would go back to her.

The baby's father is not around, she said he was a one night stand and does not plan on telling him as she also told him she was on the pill in order to get pregnant.

I have paid for her deposit on a flat to move to, given her all of my old stuff (Moses basket, bouncer, clothes ect) as well as buying a lot for her son, she has not bought anything. I did this as I thought it was an accident and didn't want her to feel pressured into an abortion due to feeling she could not afford a baby, little did i know hay.

I don't know how to feel now , I left and have not spoken to her since, I am miffed, I feel lied too and I feel like she is the most selfish person in the world, and her motives for this baby are all wrong. I will love my niece no matter what but I feel like the trust is gone with my sister.. I don't know how she could do that, bring a child into the world with no money/father/ stability all because She wanted some attention.

AIBU (and I know this is not AIBU but I'm sad and don't want a flaming) in not wanting to speak to my sister and thinking she is selfish and ridiculous for doing this.

[Leeza2]

Everyone has a baby for selfish reasons , usually because they want one

What would be an altruistic reason for having a baby ?

[SoonToBeSix]

She is clearly very insecure and has issues, I think you should be supportive she will need it.

[Confusedandshockedd]

But she did not want a baby she wanted attention. And I 'wanted' a baby 10 years ago but didn't because I wasn't secure enough to raise one. I have tried to support her but I feel lied to and in a way like she couldn't let me be happy without 'stealing my thunder' as such as soon as she could :(

[Leeza2]

So you are , in fact , annoyed at her for stealing your thunder

Not because you think that your reason for having a baby was better than her reason for having a baby ?

[CogitOIOIO]

Your sister sounds pitiable rather than malicious. Whatever her motives for getting pregnant, being a lone parent is no picnic, there's going to be a baby in a few months and they'll be a permanent part of the family for a long long time. Probably better to make peace with the idea than keep some kind of grudge going

[bakingtins]

Also as soon as you become "x's mum" nobody is ever interested in you ever again, it's all about the baby. She's going to have a hard time.

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

how is she raising a baby with no money and paying rent etc? At the cost of everyone else I'm guessing

[SolidGoldBrass]

If you have patronized her and looked down on her all her life (as the tone of your post suggests) it's not surprising that she told you this. Her intention was probably to wind you up in the first place. No one has a baby for a single reason, anyway, it's always more complex than that.

[Confusedandshockedd]

No I am annoyed as she is bringing a baby into the world - relied on everyone else to pay for it and set her up with a house ect all because she wanted some attention, and lied to everyone about it. And that there is only so much we can all do in raising her baby for her. And after doing everything I have for her she has continued to lie to me about how she got pregnant and why she got pregnant, she cried to me about how her pill failed and she didn't want to be living at home with a baby and would be forced into an abortion, and then asked me to put a deposit down for a flat and be her guarantor. And it was all planned, I have been used and lied to.

[GoatsDoRoam]

You feel "miffed and lied to", and you are wondering what this means for your relationship with your sister.

But this isn't about you, even though your pregnancy was apparently a trigger for your sister.

She is clearly a very insecure and irresponsible person, and I would be more concerned about what this means for her relationship with her unborn daughter. It sounds like the poor child won't be getting a stable and healthy mother. I hope she will have other stable and loving adults in her life, growing up, for her sake. Are you located close enough to them to be that kind of aunt?

[zaracharlotte]

Plenty of people have babies by accident, let alone for the wrong reasons.

The vast majority of people cope. This sounds like it might be the making of her - chance to get some self esteem back and give her days some purpose.

[CogitOIOIO]

Are you saying that, if she'd been more open about the way she got pregnant you wouldn't have paid the deposit on a flat etc?

[Confusedandshockedd]

I have not looked down on her and patronised her, I have always helped her and looked up to her as a child. I deliberately got her a flat 10 mins from me so I could help but I do also have my own child to raise

[Leeza2]

Yes I can see how you would feel used

But at the end of the day, you were willing to help her and her child because you thought the pregnancy was accidental . And it's not the baby's fault that his / her mother is a liar and manipulative .

So I agree with the others who say that for the baby's sake, you need to NOT fall out with your sister, in case she is unable to care for the baby properly .

Who is going to be her birth partner ?

[Confusedandshockedd]

I don't no if I still would have got her flat. If she planned the baby she should have planned how to raise her. Not expecting me to do it all for her.

[CogitOIOIO]

If it was a ONS, she took a calculated risk rather than it being planned. If you feel used you're entitled to say that you won't be helping her out financially in future.

[InternetFOREVER]

I've been in a similar position, and felt the same as you. I think its hard not to feel like you've been treated as a mug when you've been helping someone out and find out you've been deceived about the circumstances. No advice really as its still something that rankles! But maybe in future only give what you freely can, don't go out of your way to help and then feel resentful about it.

[Confusedandshockedd]

Me and my mother were going to be her birth partner, and I still will be as am not going to let her down at a vulnerable time but I just feel so angry and upset. I have been used and lied to and I accepted I was going to be almost a father to her child and after all I've done she couldn't even tell me the truth. She's been deceitful to get what she wants and it's worked, I will not be fooled into funding her any more

[CogitOIOIO]

Not everyone has a baby once they've lined up 'money/father/stability'. Not everyone has that luxury of meeting the right guy etc. I speak from personal experience. If your sister had told you the truth at the outset would you have been as judgemental as you are now?

[Confusedandshockedd]

I don't care she hasn't found the right guy (although I feel sorry for the man who will never know about let alone meet his daughter) and allot of people are good parents on benefits, but she is doing this for attention and has made no effort to get stability exept for manipulating me. I am also more upset about being lied to. If she was on benefits and hadn't found right man I wouldn't judge her at all, it is the way she has gone about this and lied about her intentions that is bothering me.

[CogitOIOIO]

Has she apologised for lying?

[Annarose2014]

She's a bloody fool. As someone said above, once you have a kid, family members become besotted with the child, not you. On the contrary, everyone suddenly has an opinion on your parenting. Its not like winning Miss Popularity which I suspect she thought would happen.

I would be careful of becoming a "parent" to this child. Particularly as your kids are close in age and you now know she never wanted a kid. Its too much on you. Your own child must always come first. Her baby is her responsibility.

[Confusedandshockedd]

No apology for lying, she was almost laughing today when it all came out. Yes I agree, I have got to put my DD first. I already have reservations about helping as she smokes inside her flat and without sounding PFB I don't like my DD being in there so try to pick her up or wait for DP to be home to watch DD. So when DN comes along I don't know how often i'll be able to be over. My DD has almost been sidelined as even for Xmas I have put allot of the presents I bought for her into my dn's pile as I thought my DD won't need them as much. I feel like my effots to be nice have backfired so much.

[MonstrousRatbag]

Well it sounds as though she has deceived you with tearful 'confessions' over many months, and accepted a lot of help on the back of it. I don't blame you at all for feeling angry about that.

But really, she had a baby because she was jealous of the attention you got when you announced your pregnancy. As someone has said, that's pitiable.

It doesn't bode well for the future, if you and she are going to be tied into a competition for attention of her making, but it does point to her having real problems. I think all you can do is distance yourself from the weirdness while giving whatever practical help you think is appropriate.

[MaryWestmacott]

From what you've said, it sounds like she had a baby because she wanted love, without realising that babies don't give love, they take it, lots and lots of it. Babies don't give attention, they take it.

If she really is so insecure and full of need and got pregnant for such childish and self-obsorbed reasons, it's unlikely she's going to be capable of giving enough emotionally to this child, she'll be able to cope financially, there are benefits available and support for single parents, but if her emotions are so child-like that she got pregnant for the attention, it's unlikely she's going to be able to find the depths for this child unless she grows up very quickly.

You will need to be there for DN, if not your actual Dsis. It could be your sister is beginning ot realise the full extent of what she's done, but if she hasn't, your DN will need you a lot when the 'novelty' and attention of a newborn stops.