I think my MIL is trying to control my life?(89 Posts)
Please bear with me as this is long.
Me and my OH been together 9 years, I'm 5 years younger than him (him being 34).
Throughout the last few years he has been pressuring me to have children but I kept saying I wasn't ready, last year I gave in and it all went disastrously wrong, I got pg, realised I wasn't ready and shouldn't have given into pressure, ended up having a termination due to antenatal depression. Before the termination had his mum come round telling me I was selfish that he was going to be an "old Dad" and that I was taking away her grandchild from her and her husband. It was horrible to say the least and I was almost suicidal afterwards.
Anyway OH wasn't happy, he forgave me we got back together and all fine now he wants to have children still and I am thinking that now I feel more ready as I'm a little bit older and hopefully a little more prepared.
But I just can't shake off the feeling that she is still getting her own way, all she does is go on about bloody babies, making me feel awkward, saying she can't wait to have a grandchild and buy the cot - a child that hasn't even been conceived yet but she is already planning my future for me and she is so overbearing!
I don't know what I'm asking really just scared that I can't stand up to her, I love my OH and think he'd make a brilliant Dad but he doesn't see how manipulative she is.
I feel like I'm being controlled but I don't know if I am? I don't know if I'm having a baby just for her?
If you're not ready for a child don't have one. If you do get pregnant you could warm to the idea or go the opposite way and hate it but it doesn't sound like you're too confident right now about having one
Why in earth is she privy to this information?! By telling her you had an abortion and are trying to conceive she has been invited in to the intimate workings of your relationship. It's nothing to do with her. Either you're telling her in which case it's your own fault or your partner is in which case you need to have a conversation with him about what you are and are not happy to share with her.
As is so often the case with MIL threads, you don't have a mil problem, you have a DP problem. Why isn't he supporting you and telling her to back off? Why the hell did he tell her about your termination so she could hound you some more?
You are right to be seriously considering whether to bring s child into this relationship.
Why are you together now?.
Your man is as much a problem here as his mother because he has been conditioned by her to put himself (and therefore you) dead last. He has also told her information (power) that he should have kept private and between the two of you.
He is very much a product of his mother's upbringing; I would not bring a child into this dynamic that is being presented here.
Do you really see him as being a brilliant dad; he has not been much if anything of a partner to you has he?. I think you re kidding yourself when you think he will be a brilliant dad. He is enmeshed to his toxic mother and is likely far more afraid of upsetting her than he ever would be of you.
If you think MIL is bad now, just wait until you provide her with her grandchild
I agree with PP I would run a mile from this situation.
she should not even have known about your termination or trying to conceive as others have said.
why the fuk is your partner telling her all this really private stuff?
He told her as soon as I got pg last time, and then he told her I was having a termination which is when she came around to have a go at me.
she came round to 'have a go at you' and he allowed that?
what a tool.
If you do have a child with this man (and only of you want to) you need to be clear with your husband that there are ground rules.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that you and he will be making any and ALL decisions regarding the upbringing of your child and you expect MIL to respect all of your decisions when you are present or not.
You need to explain to him that whilst he chooses not to see that his mother is manipulative (probably because he's so used to it "it's just how she is") that you believe that she is and expect him as your husband to back you up in every circumstance where you feel you have been treated wrongly.
Without this and genuinely believing that he agrees to these points I would suggest that having a baby with him is a very bad idea, as only two scenarios will unfold. Either you will have a baby with a man with an overbearing controlling mother in law who will make life unbearable or you will end up splitting from your dh and becoming a single mother because he won't stand up to her. It will cause a lot of resentment.
Does your DH genuinely not see that she is manipulative? Or does he see it but chooses not to because he doesn't want to 'get in the middle' and act on it?
This won't end well.
I can't believe your DH told his mum and then let her have a go at you.
You love him because...???
I don't think it sounds like you are ready yet.
This is major life changing stuff.
If you aren't 100% sure then don't do it just to please your DH or his Mum!
I think you have a lot to think about.
Whats going to be miraculously different this time? You're already feeling under pressure, resentful and as if she's "trying to control your life"
No she's not. She's been told by her son that you two are trying for a baby. Therefore she is banging on about babies. It might be overwhelming but my mother might well have been the same.
Which is why this information is kept private!
She was well out of order when you had the termination, but your DH fed her a sob story about how devastated he was, undoubtedly.
He's invited her into your bedroom. And as long as he keeps doing that, there are three of you in this marriage....and three opinions.
And you don't ever to have to have children.
Many people decide not to have them at all.
Think long and hard about what it will be like with MIL once baby comes along.
It can break relationships!
OP I would take a huge step back from this situation and look at it as if you were an outsider. Would it be healthy to bring a child in to this? No. He "forgave" you? You could not cope with the pregnancy, YOUR health should have been his priority. There should have been nothing to forgive. What an utter arse of a man.
With regards to her knowing about the termination, it was up to you if she was to know or not. I'm sorry she reacted how she did and was not supportive of you when you really needed it.
My DP mother was obsessed by grandchildren, I was friends with her through a mutual hobby long before I ever met her son who is the same age as me. I am sterile, there is no way I would be able to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term, she knows this, it is not information I hide.
Anyway, when me and him started seeing each other she was not at all happy with the situation. She would invite me over for dinner as a friend, and him as her son. I was there with her one day helping make sunday dinner after we had spent the morning doing our hobby, he was due to arrive later. She said "I hope you and X aren't about to get together, because I don't think I would be very happy about it you know..." I was mortified as we were already together she just did not know. When she realised/he told her, she began to buy toys for the children he doesn't have (he's 25 for gods sake!) and invited me to go to town to collect something with her, she then later revealing it was a rocking horse she was buying for when he had children . She would talk endlessly about "When X has children" and what she would buy for them, places she would take them... She would also use the age line "I don't want to be to old to play with them, he needs to get a move on." She also became obsessed with setting him up with random women and even once said "It doesn't matter who he has children with because if they split up I would make sure he got custody anyway". It ruined me spending time around her and taking part in the mutual hobby and I spoke to DP about it. He stuck up for me and both of us backed off spending time around her. She then tried to send him to live in new zealand !
Now it has all blown over, I think she realised we are serious and DP's health physically and mentally has improved an awful lot over the past year since I have lived with him and she see's that I do my best for him. It was a really awful time though and if he hadn't stood up to her it likely would have never ended. Your DP needs to be on your side, how could you even consider having a child with a man who isn't 100% on your team. He and his mother would likely take over, or try to. Run far far away OP.
I think you need to be having a word with DP....for instance, having a child should be a joint decision....not one when you were being pressurised. Also, that sending 'mummy' in to have 'a go' was not on
he sounds like he is 5 not 34!.
You need to get some boundaries in place, if you do decide to try for a child. Firstly, he is not to tell 'mummy' until an agreed time....for instance, after your first scan! Secondly, yes it maybe her grandchild, but as this will be your child then her thoughts,opinions etc are to be secondary to yours!
It's normal for mothers in law to get excited about the prospect of grandchildren and to talk about buying things in advance. You can't really avoid that. In your case what I would question is your relationship with your partner. He sounds a bit controlling and he should not have let his mother come round after the abortion to have a go at you. Outside pressure to have, or not have, a baby is never justified, it's your decision.
If you felt suicidal afterwards I would worry about having a baby with him now because pregnancy and birth are made so much harder if your mental health is at risk. You're still young so don't rush into anything. If you leave your partner you still have time to meet someone else and have a family with them. If you have a baby with this man you are tied to him and his mother for the rest of your life, so you have to be sure that is what you want.
I know it's a crazy situation and if I was looking at it from the outside I would too be thinking what on earth is she playing at? (She being me).
I can understand that he wanted me to keep the baby before and I can see that he was upset but I feel that she pushed me over the edge and drove me even further towards a termination, I hated her so so much at that time.
I wish he could see how manipulative she is but he can't, I don't know part of me thought that if we became a family he would finally become a man and not be in her clutches so much. They are very close.
If you spend a couple hours reading MIL threads here, you will see so many harrowing situations where the MIL makes life hell. Why put yourself in such a situation? You need a partner who is on your side.
Having a child will not alter the fact that he is in her clutches. In fact it is likely to make it worse.
overslept thanks for sharing your story, I'm glad your DP chose to stick up for you.
"part of me thought that if we became a family he would finally become a man "
Sorry, but that part of you was wrong . If he isn't a man at 34, fatherhood will make no difference at all.
I don't know part of me thought that if we became a family he would finally become a man and not be in her clutches so much. They are very close
NOPE. She will be a part of your lives...and your parenting decisions.....even more.
Hang on why is everybody blaming the mil when it was the dp who pressurised OP into having a baby!
You said you hated her at the time, and it's almost like you don't want a baby just to spite her.
Honestly you all sound a little ott.
I feel for all of you in different ways!
It isn't normal excited GM stuff, it's classic DM not emotionally separated from/living the life of on behalf of DS.
It won't improve by becoming a family, the dynamic will just continue except she'll have a new forum/arena for control and over-involvement. The only way around it is for your DP to do some work on emotional separation from her and changing his boundaries, it has to be him who sees the problem and finds the desire to do something about it.
Try the standard MN recommended read of Toxic Inlaws, Susan Forward - it's excellent stuff, lots of helpful suggestions that don't involve cutting straight to ultimatums and NC. But until DP is keen and actively changing for himself his relationship with his DM to make you his primary family, adding a child in won't make things any better.
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