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Am I being paranoid?(12 Posts)
Namechanger, long term poster (Cod, moldies, SWMNBN etc)
Short and sweet but hopefully all the details.
DP and I together 2 years. I'm currently pregnant with our first DC. My first marriage broke down after ex's affair (true MNer I LTB and didn't look back)
DP recently showed me his FB account and said 'oh look a friends request from X' (X being a girl he was sort of seeing for a few mths before me). She had requested him then cancelled it straight away but he still got an email notification which is what he showed me.
We had talked about her before in a "past relationship" kind of way but she was the only one he seemed a bit cagey about. I couldn't put my finger on why but left it as she had left the country and it didn't really seem to matter.
Anyway a day after the friends request I noticed him on his phone looking at her profile (we have a hatch between rooms and I walked behind him). I didn't say anything and he had put his phone down when I came into the room. I put it down to curiosity (who doesn't look up old ex's on FB occasionally?)
Today it was playing on my mind a bit and I logged on his FB . He is open with his password.
She is not in his search bar (which you can clear). But he doesn't seem to know that if you look at the activity log and filter searches you can see all the searches which have been run recently.
15 fucking times in the last 4 days
They aren't friends on FB. There are no messages. He can't request her as she has it locked. So all he can be doing is looking at her 4 profile pics and that's it. Over and over.
Ok..benefit of the doubt some people are just nosey...? Or actually there's a point it just goes past nosiness and something is up? Thoughts?
Hopefully someone with something more productive to say will come along but no, I do not think you are being paranoid.
He has clearly been checking her out several times a day for some reason. This must be a real kick in the teeth especially when you are pregnant. I would be livid but I am not sure what I would do.
I think I would either let it run for a few more days and see if he continues to check her out, or I would confront him now and see what he has to say.
Not great. I'd tell him you looked, what you found, and ask him outright what he thinks he's playing at.
You're pregnant, vulnerable, and he's being a dick. Really emphasise to him that this isn't behaviour you're going to put up with. He had a real thing with you, if he doesn't want that, then that is his loss.
Really feel for you.
Ok thanks. Pretty much what I was thinking.
Certainly not going to say anything yet and will let it play out for a while. Even if he doesn't search her again I'll be mentioning it. If he carries on then it will be a bit more than just 'mentioning'.
Thanks for the replies.
I don't think you are being paranoid, he's looking at her for some reason and the frequency is more than a little curiosity. I don't have the answer though as to what you should do. I'm dealing with a similar situation regarding facebook searches. My dh searched for the same woman regularly for over a year, she's not an ex but a stranger who has made friends with old friends of my dh. He also searched for exes a few times. He claims it was complete and utter nosiness that means nothing and he didn't find this woman attractive but I can't seem to get over it :-(
I think you are sensitised to infidelity and, as a result, you are being overly suspicious. Your DP is entitled to some privacy. So are you, for that matter. He was open about her getting in touch, you know she's out of the country and that should be where you left it. Logging into someone else's FB is the equivalent of opening their post...... It's bad form The only saving grace you've got is that you're pregnant and you can plead temporary insanity. Because if I was your DP, I'd be pretty annoyed.
^^ ...but sometimes women have to have a nose around to find out what is actually happening in their own lives. He has done the classic 'half disclosure' that keeps so many WAGs in their place when by following your spidey sense, you get the full picture. Who wants to live with a gut feeling telling them they have not got the full story but just leaving it out of politeness? It may be wrong to look at his facebook but I would be putting my own mental health before politeness and decorum any day of the week. Sometimes your gut feeling is screaming and you can't not listen to something at that volume.
Half disclosure? He mentioned he'd been contacted by an old girlfriend in another country, showed the OP the communication and his biggest offence..... if I'm reading it right.... is that the OP interpreted what he said as 'a bit cagey'. The OP doesn't mention that the relationship has been struggling, that there's any ill feeling, any bad behaviour ... nothing, in short, to suggest that this is an unfaithful man waiting to happen. So if she's jumpy and getting a bad feeling the answer is to talk to tis man, be honest about her insecurities. Not hack his FB account as a first step.
True to say I probably shouldn't have hacked his FB. I haven't mentioned it and haven't looked since yesterday to see if he has searched her again.
Update though, I looked at her profile and she has obviously moved back here. Her cover photo is her outside of a show which was on in town last week.
So talk to him rather than twisting yourself in suspicious knots and making up your own stories based on inconclusive search history. Is the relationship generally positive? Are you happy together? Confident about each other's love? Compatible? Mistrust is a poisonous thing once it enters a relationship and, on the strength of what you've written, you're currently the one that can't be trusted.
You've opened a can of worms.
Confronting him is going to make you look clingy and jealous. But you clearly need to say something now before e-stalking this woman becomes an obsession.
Talk to him, be honest and ask him for the same.
I dunno, I occasionally do that sort of thing and I have no intention of being unfaithful.
It's like rubber necking.
She contacted him, he showed you, it obviously sparked some curiosity as to why she contacted him. I don't think it's that bad.
The snooping though.....hmmm....I'd be pissed off at that
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