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Is DH being unfair?

(38 Posts)
theruntsnextdoor Sun 14-Dec-14 17:48:59

Have a newborn 1 month old. DH does all the cleaning, cooking and washing. I do all the baby care, EBF, night feeds, nappy changing, winding and comforting.

I haven't left the house yet apart from during the day for 10 min bursts and out to a restaurant with DH for a meal (with baby) a couple of times.

DH works from home so is around all day, but quite preoccupied with work. He sleeps well because he isn't woken in the night. Since the birth DH has been going out for football practice then drinks with friends up to 3-4 times a week. He's never out later than midnight on these occasions but I have whole stretches of time completely alone with the crying baby (up to 12 hours) unable to do very much except sit in front of the TV because hands are tied up holding/comforting etc.

I feel upset about this but I don't know if I am being over emotional. His life basically hasn't changed but mine has dramatically changed. DH is being a housework machine - cooking all my meals (leaving them in fridge when he goes out), washing all clothes, bed sheets, tidying up after me etc. I don't know if I am being ungrateful?

Does it sound fair to you that he is out this much and leaves me alone with a newborn?

NickiFury Sun 14-Dec-14 17:49:41

No this is not at all fair. He needs a kick up the arse!

holdyourown Sun 14-Dec-14 17:51:04

What's stopping you from going out - can't you just plan something and then tell him you're going (out with friends, shopping or whatever)?

feelingunsupported Sun 14-Dec-14 17:54:18

Is there a reason you've not been out? You may feel better and less isolated if you get out a little / see other people etc.

I'd not be chuffed about him being out for drinks etc more than once a week though - not fair really.

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 17:55:51

Why don't you have an evening out once a week, or an evening sleeping at your mum's or a Premier Inn??

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 14-Dec-14 17:56:10

It's a bit difficult to make plans to go out with friends or shopping when you're breast-feeding a tiny newborn!

I'd say that he's pulling his weight if he's doing all of the housework. Three or four nights out on his own sounds a bit excessive but it's not like he's doing nothing in return for it.

I reckon you're a bit vexed because you're suffering from cabin-fever.

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 17:57:17

It sounds as though the work aspect is sorted pretty fairly, but don't confuse that with the two issues of spending time with your daughter and social time away from your daughter.

NickiFury Sun 14-Dec-14 17:58:16

Lots of women don't WANT to leave their tiny newborns for a night in the Holiday Inn! Why would they? What they want and need in those first few weeks is support and unselfish behaviour. If they can't expect that in the first few months after giving birth then when can they?

itsbetterthanabox Sun 14-Dec-14 17:59:40

Him going out that much isn't good firstly. He should reduce that and you need to Plan evenings or days out for yourself. Would he refuse to look after the baby? Each of you go out once a week for example.
I think he's missing out doing no care for the baby. Why don't you cook sometimes and he take care of the baby all evening. Obviously if you are breastfeeding then he can't do the night feeds but in the day he can help a lot more!

basgetti Sun 14-Dec-14 18:00:25

His going out is excessive. He is definitely pulling his weight around the house, but the division of chores doesn't seem healthy to me. Why isn't he doing any baby care? Why not mix it up a bit so you cook a meal one evening whilst he looks after the baby or does bath time?

dreamingbohemian Sun 14-Dec-14 18:00:30

Not to be cynical, but it's possible part of the reason he is doing so much around the house is so you don't complain when he goes out...

It's great he's doing so much but yes I think going out four nights a week with a newborn at home is too much. Not least because he could be handling wakings from 9pm to 12 while you go to bed early and try to get some rest.

I also suggest that as soon as possible you divvy up what you're doing so it's not him doing all the house stuff and you doing all the baby stuff -- that just reinforces the idea that he's done his bit and can go, when really the two of you should be team when it comes to the baby too. Maybe he can't BF but he can certainly change nappies and do winding and some night wakings at the weekend.

Quitelikely Sun 14-Dec-14 18:03:45

I can see why you're upset. Those nights out are excessive IMO. There are no hard and fast rules about socialising but a good approach is to ask yourself: would dh mind if I went out three times a week with my friends? If he genuinely wouldn't mind then I don't think it's too bad.

However what I do think is bad is that he is doing it whilst the baby is so young. It's hard going on first time mums and I suppose you need the extra support etc.

Do you have family to help you? I have to say even though it's nice he's doing everything with the house why don't you not give him the baby while you carry out a few chores so that he can get to know her better.

Sometimes it can be nice doing the chores if it means a break from the baby, yes honestly!

basgetti Sun 14-Dec-14 18:03:54

Yes, if he isn't responsible for any baby care he is doing his set tasks and then clocking off as his work is done. Meanwhile you are left with the ongoing job of caring for a newborn. Definitely mix it up a bit so that you are not always the default with the baby and he can come and go as he pleases.

feelingunsupported Sun 14-Dec-14 18:03:56

Sorry - I didn't mean go out and leave the baby. I just meant go out, take the baby to see people / out to the shops etc.

CrispyFern Sun 14-Dec-14 18:04:03

Erm, no, it's not normal to go out four times a week leaving your wife alone with a new baby.
Have words.

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 18:05:44

Some really good points by itsbetter and basgetti there about division of chores.

MirandaWest Sun 14-Dec-14 18:07:01

Him going out that often isn't fair I don't think.

During the day time you could go out though - I found when DS was a little baby it was a lot easier to go out than when he got older. Just do whatever you'd like to do and the baby comes along too smile

KarenHillavoidJimmyswarehouse Sun 14-Dec-14 18:12:00

He's been out 12 times in 4 weeks? Erm, certainly seems excessive.

cathpip Sun 14-Dec-14 18:17:27

You should get out, are there any baby and toddler groups in your area?. Your dh is most certainly pulling his weight in the chores department, but clearly clocking off at tea time, which with a baby is not possible. I have tended to find and my friends agree, that when we have a baby our lives completely change and our priorities change too. Men just don't see that, their priorities will mainly stay the same. On his nights out after football practice, I would be having words 3/4 times a week is not acceptable.

Joysmum Sun 14-Dec-14 19:06:12

I think he's doing more than his share by working and all the chores.

I think there should definitely be a swap in who does what so you get time away from the baby and get more variety.

Tbh if I were doing all the chores and working I'd feel this was unfair.

I used to wear my baby when doing hoovering etc

Why haven't you been out? I'd feel like I was in prison if I didn't get out.

His going out is too much but perhaps home to him means work in his head because he works from home and does all the chores.

newrecruit Sun 14-Dec-14 19:15:19

Did you tell him what you needed?

I say this because, when DS1 was born, DH did all of the shopping and cooking. He would go to a great deal of time and effort. However, after a while I realised what I really needed was him to hold the baby whilst I made some pasta and pesto.

He needs time with the baby. Not with you going out but actually spending time with his new child, and his partner, not down the pub.

Your lives have changed. Including his.

One night a week fine, but 3 to 4 with a 4 week old is absurd.

What's he scared of?

newrecruit Sun 14-Dec-14 19:16:42

For example. He can't BF but he can do nappy changes, baths etc.

Do you think he's bonded with the baby at all?

Pagwatch Sun 14-Dec-14 19:23:45

I don't understand. He goes to football. That's three hours isn't it?
Why are you alone for 12 hours?
DH had rugby training three times a week when ds1 was small 6.00pm until 10.00 or very occasionally midnight if he stayed afterwards.

Is 'football' a euphemism for going out at lunchtime and pissing it up until midnight four times a week?

Tryharder Sun 14-Dec-14 19:28:34

You have a 1 month old and by your own admission, you have already had a couple of meals out and your DH does all the housework and cooking?

And yet people are advising you to leave your baby and piss off to a fucking Travelodge for a bit of 'me time'???

For Christ's Sake, woman up and look after your baby, she's only a month old. I think you have it fairly easy. Plenty of women look after multiple DCs with a lot less help. If you don't want your DH to go out, then tell him.

Boomtownsurprise Sun 14-Dec-14 19:31:36

Why don't you go out? Can you not go out in day time to the shops? To a cafe? To a soft play? To a park?

What do you mean by "out"?

3-4 is a lot. But he won't know the old routine doesn't work or upsets you if you don't say will he?

You have both stopped talking and are building resentment. Stop that.

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