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Every discussion descends quickly into him telling me I am being a bully.

(17 Posts)
sunshineandshowers Sun 14-Dec-14 16:26:25

And passive aggressive. If I try to voice my feelings in any way or even if I am trying to have a practical conversation ( shall we make dinner or do some chores blah blah) I just get called a bully and passive aggressive. It leaves me feeling confused. I just don't know what to do anymore. Can someone help me unpick what is going on?

LineRunner Sun 14-Dec-14 16:28:50

This is your partner?

If so, how can you possibly be happy like this?

mrssmith79 Sun 14-Dec-14 16:29:02

Without being a fly on the wall, I doubt it. But no doubt people will try.

Joysmum Sun 14-Dec-14 16:42:32

Personally, if I wasn't and my DH accused me of such things to prevent me from being able to disagree and get his own way, I'd be saying that I was not willing to put up and shut up and that he was uncomfortable with me disagreeing I'd need to remain true to myself and couldn't be stifled in such a way.

sunshineandshowers Sun 14-Dec-14 16:54:16

Im not happy. It's shit.

I have just emailed two counsellors. So am going to be proactive.

It's like he's just discovered the words or something? Or he's found a way to control me. I guess it is to discourage me from having my own feelings.

I can't voice any criticism. You're really miserable for example. He says I can say you handled that situation badly but that I can't talk generally about him being negative or miserable as that is bullying?

AMumInScotland Sun 14-Dec-14 17:07:14

Is this a long relationship? Has he always been like this? If he has changed recently, can you think of something which has affected the relationship? Have you changed recently? That could be you feeling stressed and being a bit 'unkind', or it could be you being assertive and not putting up with him being unkind. As Mrssmith says it's very hard for other people to diagnose what's going on in other people's relationships.

But, in general, if you are unhappy in your relationship, your partner shouldn't simply try to 'shut down' any discussion about it by telling you you aren't allowed to express things in certain ways.

sunshineandshowers Sun 14-Dec-14 17:11:19

Long relationship. 14 years. Married 8. I am pregnant with dc2.

He used to be like it a lot. Then stopped about 5 years ago. Now does it again.

I appreciate your ideas. X

AMumInScotland Sun 14-Dec-14 17:19:38

Have a think about the pattern of when he was like this and when he stopped? For instance, does it coincide with you being pregnant, maybe having your focus on someone other than him?

Talking to a counsellor does sound like a good idea - theycan hopefully get you tyhinking about what he does, what you do, how you interact, that kind of thing.

YonicSleighdriver Sun 14-Dec-14 17:30:59

"Why is it bullying to discuss chores? I'm unclear how else they will get done. Would you prefer to schedule a time and you lead the discussion - I'm happy with any fair split."

sykadelic Sun 14-Dec-14 17:44:10

Well, you said he IS miserable, as opposed to acting miserable. I know some people find that distinction important when dealing with poorly behaved children as well. "he is being a naughty boy" as opposed to "he is a naughty boy". One is insulting the behaviour (which is fine), the other is insulting the boy (not fine).

He is right that if you're constantly calling him names, as opposed to challenging his behaviour, could be perceived as bullying. That doesn't mean you're a bully though, especially if his behaviour is bullying and that's what you're reacting to. Calling you a bully and passive-aggressive though could also bullying.

"shall we make dinner or do some chores" could be called passive aggressive because rather than asking him, you're voicing it in a way that sounds like a question but isn't really, and, could be perceived as pointing out he hasn't made dinner or done chores.

This doesn't mean you ARE a passive-aggressive bully, it could just be the way you have learnt to deal with his general laziness, and frustration at his failure to help. If you're constantly having to ask it gets extremely old and you get frustrated at having to harp on about things rather than him just noticing it needs to be done and offering to help.

Only you know why you act how you act, and only you know whether you're okay with how he's acting. You acting like a bully, or acting passive-aggressive doesn't get him off scot-free, it's not a catch all excuse for him not doing the things that need to be done. So my response to his "bully" and "passive-aggressive" comments would be "okay, but you still haven't done X or Y and you calling ME names doesn't change that".

InThisTogether Mon 15-Dec-14 08:16:55

I don't know what is going on, but it seems to me you are not even considering that he might be saying it because either a. he feels it's true, or even b. it is true?

I find when something is said over and over it is a genuine concern for them. Why not try asking hime' what is it that makes you feel that way?' and listen to the answer?

Good luck OP!

Heyho111 Mon 15-Dec-14 08:30:31

Perhaps you should point out that every time you voice an opinion he says you're a bully or passive aggressive. You should point out that it may be is him that is being passive aggressive or a bully by doing that. Perhaps you both need to go to a councellor together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 15-Dec-14 08:33:18

Joint counselling is never recommended if there is any abuse within the relationship. He is really the bully and being passive aggressive here; he is basically projecting all his stuff onto you. This is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you.

If counselling is considered here you OP need to go on your own because you need to talk in a both safe and controlled environment.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours here are being fulfilled?.

YonicSleighdriver Mon 15-Dec-14 08:39:04

How is him saying "you are a bully" rather than commenting on your specific handling of a situation any better than you saying "you are being miserable"

YonicSleighdriver Mon 15-Dec-14 08:39:34

Seems like one rule for him, another for you.

CogitOIOIO Mon 15-Dec-14 09:03:43

Several possibilities occur....
1. You are a bully. Saying things like 'you are miserable' or 'you are negative' is not constructive criticism or good communication. If it happens a lot, then you could be a bully
2. He is being deliberately provocative or goading you into making a snappy remark
3. He is using 'you are a bully' the way others use 'you're turning into your mother' as a way to divert attention from any criticism. Playing the man not the ball

intlmanofmystery Mon 15-Dec-14 09:45:20

I would agree with many of the comments here - think about what you say and how you say it. So often the simplest things can come out as a command rather than a request or a question. He is clearly unhappy about something so try to find out what it is. He is also responding to your behaviour, use of phrase, tone of voice etc which he finds aggressive or certainly overly assertive.

My ex used to behave in this way and despite numerous requests with examples to "please stop behaving like this, please stop using those words, please stop telling me what to do the whole time" she could never see it. However when I refused or argued, I was labeled the bully. Counselling just highlighted her controlling, bossy behaviour which ultimately became intolerable. So please have a long look in the mirror and try to see it from his POV. Counselling can help but, more importantly, you both need to talk to each other otherwise any counsellor will only ever hear it from your perspective which may end up just reinforcing your position.

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