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He just packed up and left.

(61 Posts)
Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 15:04:33

Ex mnetter reregging, pomme bears naice ham etc.

I have just been unceramoniously dumped after 18 months, 12 living together.

I'm fucking heartbroken.

I'm furious with myself for deluding myself that it was possible for me to find a nice person instead of yet another user.

Potted history is
Him, married for 27 years 7 of those in seperate rooms. I did look at his wife's fb when things started to become serious for me and they did lead seperate lives.
He moved out of their shared home into temp and then in with me.
He didn't leave her for me (she already had started dating)

Me much more complicated.
Have had various abusive relationships from the age of 14 with some unbelievable twists and turns. Not really relevant. My last relationship was a sexless convenience thing (not convenient for me) and I had decided that it needed to change.
Long chat with ex partner and it was agreed thatwe would have an open relationship, mainly because he liked living with me but wasn't sexually attracted iyswim.
So met current DP on a casual hook up site.
All good but I fell in love.
Head over heels.

As things got serious (he allegedly fell for me too) I was honest and candid about my past.
I spent 10 years with my much older boss (DV and EA in every way imaginable) after I got away I had a period of lots of promiscuity. Then sexless relationship for 7 years which at the end I had started to look for casual hook ups.
Finding DP stopped me in my tracks.

I told him lots of my history but he would become sidetracked because my boss was asain and insist that I had been groomed.
Then I tried to tell him about the more recent stuff but he didn't want to know I even offered to show him any emails etc.
He wasn't thrilled but said he could work it out in his head.

I know trust is a major thing so I spilled my guts early so nobody found shit out to bite them later

I may be stupid and promiscuos but I'm no cheat and I don't ever lie.

12 months on, just before xmas he decided to 'check up' by secretly trawling my old emails.

He left because he now can't deal with it

How many more times will I be ground down before I learn?

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 15:27:43

Thanks if you waded through all that I read it back and my efforts to keep it concise were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.

I blame my heightened emotions.
And the snot and bloody tears sad

Missqwerty Sun 14-Dec-14 15:32:07

I'm confused? What did he find that was so bad in your emails? Hope you are coping well and take good care of yourself. I suspect he will be back though and it sounds as though you have done nothing wrong and he's just gone off on a jealous rage

GoodKingQuintless Sun 14-Dec-14 15:35:43

Sorry you got dumped. flowers

But, why did you make your sexual past such an important part of your relationship? Why would you talk about all your partners? It would seem you have a lot to come to terms with regards to your experiences, and a new partner is perhaps not the best person to go through all this with. Perhaps counselling would serve you better?

In your next relationship it is perhaps best to let past be past and say you are an adult, and of course have had other relationships, but they dont matter much. No need to go into details. Honesty is not saying everything and baring it all, but being honest in what you say, there is a major difference.

I did not tell my husband about all my past flings, ONS, and relationships. Nothing to do with him!

Missqwerty Sun 14-Dec-14 15:36:43

Also. I once stupidly read through my other half emails and wished I hadn't! I got over it though and realised everybody has a past, I did initially react very badly though. Very immature of me at the time but you live and learn

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 15:37:19

He found emails from 2012 (that I had mentioned and offered to show him a year ago) that were from when I started looking for a casual fwb thing.
Then extrapolated that and decided I met everyone I emailed amd prob cheated.
How I cheated I don't know because my partner Then knew all about it.

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 15:44:07

Thanks GKQ I don't know why we got into the nitty gritty so much tbh.
My Mum had loads of affairs and would swear to heaven and earth she hadn't even when proof was right there.
I suppose that's why I'm keen on biting the bullet because I would hate to be seen as deceptive.
I suppose lesson 1 is keep my trap shut!

UncrushedParsley Sun 14-Dec-14 15:49:59

GKQ makes good sense. Apart from that. You moved in together pretty quick, IMO. Seems like the trawling your old emails might have been his rather cowardly way of finding a way of bailing out of the relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it. I learned to say less about previous relationships as I got older, and if a new 'squeeze' is TOO interested, that a red flag IME.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 14-Dec-14 15:57:06

I have been married to my husband for 20+ years and he still doesn't know much at all about my sexual past and vice versa.

Please don't make yourself so vulnerable to any man in future especially after such a short period of knowing them

You moved in together after 6 months ? Far too soon. You might know whether they prefer coffee or tea by then but not much more of what is really important.

Missqwerty Sun 14-Dec-14 15:59:28

I can understand him being a tad jealous as he probably wanted to feel special and then he reads your history. That been said it's very immature of him to clear off and behave like that.

You don't have to disclose everything about yourself. I might be wrong in guessing this but you sound almost like you see what you did in your past as bad. It was your choice and back then what you wanted. You don't have to disclose that as it's normal to have a past, it's very rare to find anybody that doesn't have some form of history. I had a lot of one nighters, my OH did too mostly from Internet dating. You don't have to offer this information up and seek their approval. You did nothing wrong! If I am asked about my past- I tell the truth. But I won't let anybody make me feel ashamed as that was me then and I'm different now and it's the me now they are with.

I think your OH will come back. Just be wary of his jealousy though

wannabestressfree Sun 14-Dec-14 16:01:42

In the nicest possible way I think you need some help/ therapy rather than a relationship. You need to 'save' yourself rather than get someone else to do it.

victorianhomedreamer Sun 14-Dec-14 16:04:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sun 14-Dec-14 16:07:15

Personally, if I am asked about my sexual past I remind the person asking that it is none of their business.

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 16:13:10

All good but I fell in love.

I got to this part and was gobsmacked, because of none of that seemed like good foundations for a relationship.

I think you should see a counsellor, because it sounds to me as though you've needed to talk and seen your boyfriend in the role of a counsellor. It sounds to me as though he, reasonably enough, couldn't handle that.

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 16:14:29

I have a 'hidden disability' that has left me vulnerable when young so I went down a pretty dark path which resulted in a child so I stayed single for a few years. But it still holds enough power to make me worry what others would think.

I really thought I had made more headway into mature sensible decisions.

I didn't really think it would bite me if it was in the open.

If it bothered him why didn't he just let it tail off or end it instead of all this upheaval and fucking pain.

OsloGin Sun 14-Dec-14 16:14:34

I think you might have had some undealt-with (and misplaced) feelings of guilt to feel that you had to make such a big thing about the past. I know how that feels from my own experience. I second the suggestion of counselling and general self esteem raising activities.

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 16:15:49

I would hate to be seen as deceptive.

There's a difference between deceptive and projectile, explicit honesty though. I say this as someone who had similar tenancies as a teen. I thought sharing everything was a sign of honesty, trust and intimacy.

alphabook Sun 14-Dec-14 16:17:25

I agree that although honesty is important in a relationship, it doesn't mean you have to tell them every gory detail about your past. It also sounds like you moved in with him too quickly.

If so many of your relationships have been abusive it sounds like you could really do with some counselling to help you deal with everything you've been through and learn the warning signs to help protect yourself in future.

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 16:48:58

I need to address this guilt thing, after xmas I will go get some counseling I assumed because I loved my child I wasn't that affected but it's showing now.
I've only had two long term relationships one very unhealthy and the second complete apathy (likely a subconscious safe place) so I have no clue what a normal one is.

Meeting on a casual site and falling in love is clearly wrong too.

How I'll get through to January is the question sad

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 16:54:02

I assumed because I loved my child I wasn't that affected

What do you mean?

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 16:55:37

The irony is he is pissed off at how easy I find it and how I don't have an issue with looking for someone casual provided you are single.

Yet that's where HE met me so he should be pissed off at himself for veering to the seedy side angry

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 16:59:10

My child was conceived in bad circs Viv

Not exactly rape but to someone my abusive ex chose to get me pregnant.
To keep me depending on him.

It was ok though he didn't stop me it gave me a reason to leave and someone who needed me

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 17:03:46

I don't want that to sound like rape.
My fist ex had had a vasectomy and convinced me to get pregnant to his friend because I needed a family.

Young naive and stupid
Also why my current partner insists I was groomed.

Vivacia Sun 14-Dec-14 17:40:11

No, sorry, I meant why do you think that loving your child is evidence that you haven't been "affected by guilt"?

Festivelybereft Sun 14-Dec-14 17:58:23

Ah sorry Viv I thought you wondered why I would question loving my child.

I thought if I had issues that they would likely manifest in rejecting my child Iyswim.
I thought because I had a bad time in my early relationship it was understandable to go wild when I was free.
Ok so ONS and risky behaviour aren't good but it felt like I had been in prison since I was 14 and I was only doing what 18, 19, 20 year olds would.

It never occurred to me that I would carry guilt for it forever.

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