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I think my relationship is abusive

(52 Posts)
TachyCardicForCranberryCheese Sun 14-Dec-14 10:50:23

Not even sure when it started, I think it was when we moved in together, maybe even before. He'd kick off about something and carry it on for hours. Always something trivial which I'm most relationships would result in "stop that, it's pissing me off" and that would be the end of it. But he punishes and punishes until I'm a quivering wreck. The earliest one I can remember we'd been out, had a lot to drink and he started being off with me. I told him to smile and pulled the sides of his mouth up (gently, he'd done similar to me loads of times and id laughed it off) but we got home and he went MENTAL, made me cry, pushed me, shouting horrible things at me. Anyway that was the first big one. Since then it just seems like there have been a catalogue of them kicking off from the smallest things to the point where I'm just shit scared of mentioning things because I know he'll flip. The most stressful bit is I don't have a list of banned subjects to work with because ANYTHING can make him flip. Last night he kicked off and went mental at me because HE had decided to go to the bike shop for DS. I told him over and over again not too but he insisted. He then came back and went mental saying that all his energy goes on my kids when it should be going on his own kids. That's just a ridiculous statement, nobody stops him doing stuff for his own kids, they just never ask him to. I think he was in a strop because his eldest son hadn't turned up again for access weekend (poor lad is 19 and still expected to stick to access weekends) so he took it out on me. Totally ruined Saturday night, again made me cry, swore at me, told me to fuck myself and kept sticking his middle finger in my face. It's so intimidating because although he's never hit me he always looks on the edge of it and do I just shut down, afraid to answer back in case it pushes him over the edge.
This morning I asked if we had any more coke (he sometimes stores bottles in the garage). He immediately gave me 'that' look and said "what do you mean, do we have any left?". My heart sunk fearing I'd trod on yet another land mine, he then started with the sarcastic "oh yes I forgot, I keep a secret stash under the computer table". I just changed the subject and it blew over but this is what I mean, now no subject is safe. The whole field of conversation is a minefield. I'm lonely, frightened to speak and just feel like shit to be honest. He tells me I'm over reacting and he's sick of all the arguments "I" cause yet, if it's me why am I always the one begging him to calm down, to talk to me, to stop arguining with me, to hug me, to kiss and make up ... And why is he always the one point blank refusing to let stuff drop no matter how upset I am?

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 14-Dec-14 10:52:24

And you are still with him because he is ace in the sack?

MargotThreadbetter Sun 14-Dec-14 10:56:17

Of course he's abusive.
Do your children live in the same house as him? What is his behaviour teaching them about relationships?
You know you have to leave, so start making plans.

Patchworkqueen Sun 14-Dec-14 10:56:22

He sounds v abusive yes. I wonder why you are with him at all tbh. Would you call Women's Aid for support?

mamababa Sun 14-Dec-14 11:00:08

'And why is he always the one to point blank refuse to back down even though I am upset.'?

Because he is a twat.

And he can because you will ALWAYS try to make things right.

mamababa Sun 14-Dec-14 11:01:14

Posted too soon. Yes he is very abusive and controlling.

CheersMedea Sun 14-Dec-14 11:01:40

I told him to smile and pulled the sides of his mouth up (gently, he'd done similar to me loads of times and id laughed it off)

To be fair, this would make me go mental. It is invasive, patronising and embarrassing if you did it in public. I take the point he'd done it to you - but you were wrong to laugh it off when he did it to you. And equally wrong to do it back to him.

Equally "I told him over and over again not too but he insisted". He's an adult man, who are you to "tell him OVER AND OVER AGAIN" like a child that he must not go to the bike shop???? It's hardly a lapdancing club. He's an adult and if he wants to go to the bike shop, he's allowed. Again, someone trying to dictate to me (Especially repeatedly) about what I can and can't do would p*ss me off.

Generally though, you describe walking on eggshells situation. It doesn't really matter whether you or he are in the right/wrong. You are unhappy. He is treating you badly. Maybe you are reciprocating in kind. But either way this isn't a good relationship to be in.

I think you should get out.

SanityClause Sun 14-Dec-14 11:04:49

Have you posted about him before? I'm sure I remember the face pulling from another thread.

Sweety , he is SO abusive. Please leave him.

woowoo22 Sun 14-Dec-14 11:06:18

Asking someone if there's more coke is hardly crime of the century.

Yes he's abusive.

LooksLikeRainDear Sun 14-Dec-14 11:09:15

He is abusive.
He enjoys the power and the control.
He won't change.

Please end this dysfunctional drama.

TachyCardicForCranberryCheese Sun 14-Dec-14 11:11:40

I told him not to go to the bike shop because I knew I'd get it in the neck when he got home. That's something he does, he offers to do things for people and then punishes them for it.

MargotThreadbetter Sun 14-Dec-14 11:14:38

Why are you with him?

CheersMedea Sun 14-Dec-14 11:15:26

I told him not to go to the bike shop because I knew I'd get it in the neck when he got home

So instead you repeatedly nagged him not to go? Was that likely to be any better?

You aren't suited. He is being unpleasant and abusive to you. You are reacting back to that. As I said, it is immaterial who is in the wrong on which occasion. You both sound unhappy, as if you are both provoking each ther and you should leave.

SanityClause Sun 14-Dec-14 11:21:00

Here's an idea, Cheers. What If the OP's partner said, "please don't pull my face around like that - I find it invasive, patronising and embarrassing." An idea?

The bike shop incident sounds like the partner was insistent on being a martyr. "I've got to go to the bike shop for your DC." "no, there's really no need to. I can sort it." "Oh, no, I've got to do it." "well, really, here's no need" etc. then "I missed out on doing X for my DC, because I had to go to the bike shop for yours."

Of course, it could have gone like this. "On no account are you to go to the bike shop for my DC." "no, I want to." "Well you mustn't." "But, please let me! I want to." "No, I tell you!" Etc. and then, "well now I've missed out on doing X with my DC, because of the bike shop."

The second scenario sounds unlikely, but equally unreasonable, don't you think?

LooksLikeRainDear Sun 14-Dec-14 11:21:32

It's too much like hard work issn't it?

when you're at home, you should be at peace. content. safe. By stayying you are making yourself feel continually unsettled (at best) and threatened, nervous, anxious.

You don't have to live in that state of permanent anxiety. My x was like that. He could rant and rage at me for hours. Once, he was speeeding and I asked/begged him to slow down (children in the back!) and he literally abused and shouted at me for hours and hours. Later that evening, about 4 hours later he was still so angry at me that I had dared to ask him to slow down. He didn't slow down, but the fact that I'd asked him to made him angry enough to rant at me for hours. I knew then without a doubt that he was absolutely crazy (as well as abusive).

I removed myself from that situation and it was hard. I had to plan an escape. But I posted documentss to a safe place. I left with just the children. Things were tough financially but we always had enough. I took bags of second hand clothes. I qualified for allowances I'd never got before. We managed. And now we're back on our feet and happy. This is my second christmas in our own place. I did it. I got us back on our feet. You can do it too. Please please start again.

REad Anne dickson's a woman in your own right. It will help you understand why you put up with what you put up with. Also, please read Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that?". You will see that he is just a text book readingfromsameoldscript bully and nothing more. There's nothing complicated or tortured about him. He bullies you because of the rewards it gives him. A slave. All his needs met. Having to give nothing of himself in return, not time, not energy, not love.

He behaves like he behaves because being the twisted fuck up that he is, havinng a slave is worth more to him than having a real relationship where there is give and take and love and compromise. He doesn't want that.

Hairylegs47 Sun 14-Dec-14 11:24:54

I've been where you are, you do anything to keep,the peace, trying to anticipate his moods.
It doesn't work, ever. Nothing you do will help him.
He IS abusive. If it's your house, tell him to leave or change his attitude to you.

You have DC, would you want their DP treating them the way your DP treats you?

No one deserves it, no one. You DC DO deserve love, support and safety. You're the best person to give them that.

WaltzingWithReindeers Sun 14-Dec-14 11:26:44

OP I think you've posted about him before ... but whether you have or not, you really must leave him - for the sake of your own sanity, and so your DS (or DC's if you have more than one) can enjoy the rest of their childhood.

People here can help you work out an exit plan ... keep posting.

ocelot41 Sun 14-Dec-14 11:33:24

Yes, this is emotional abuse. I am so sorry OP, it must be horrid to feel like you are walking on eggshells in your own home. You don't deserve this flowers

HamPortCourt Sun 14-Dec-14 11:34:42


I don't think I have ever offered so much LTB advice in one week before. I understand that refuges are really busy around this time of year and of course the divorce lawyers count January as their busiest month.

Yes, this relationship is abusive and I would get the hell out of it. I think I have posted on one of your threads before though, you sound familiar?

CheersMedea Sun 14-Dec-14 11:41:39


Life is imperfect. People lose their temper. Even good people sometimes act out.

It really doesn't matter what should or shouldn't have been done. The only question is are these two people making each other happy? Answer no.

woowoo22 Sun 14-Dec-14 11:44:03

Or, the question could be is he an abusive arse who has run the OP down to the ground?

CheersMedea Sun 14-Dec-14 11:45:41

And speaking for myself, I know that if someone started telling me to smile and pulling my face around like that, I would lose my temper. Even thinking about it makes me irritable! Firstly, people telling me to smile is almost guaranteed to make me explode - as it's all about them and is so f*cking patronising. Secondly, people prodding at your face is really offensive.

With the best will in the world, there is no prospect that my first reaction would be "please don't do that". I accept once I'd calmed down I may have got round to saying that.

The rest of his behaviour does sound abusive. But that is not an example in my view.

MargotThreadbetter Sun 14-Dec-14 11:46:39

I think, CheersMedea that if someone pushes another in temper, has the other 'shit scared' to open their mouth, then it's a little more than life not being 'perfect' and a good person acting out, he's abusive. End of.

MargotThreadbetter Sun 14-Dec-14 11:48:37

Cross posted. But I think you're making a big deal out of the face prodding as you're calling it. He only had to say please don't do that.

Schoolaroundthecorner Sun 14-Dec-14 11:49:57

Cheers you are wrong. Nothing would justify his reaction to the smile incident. Yes I'd find it annoying myself and patronising probably but I would never react the way he did (and don't forget he's done exactly the same thing to the OP). The OP should not blame herself for how he reacted to that.

OP you deserve so much better. You get one shot at this life why spend it with someone so abusive, who makes you miserable? Please leave.

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