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exh on f-buddy - how do I handle this?

(34 Posts)
bathshebaeverbusy Sun 14-Dec-14 07:37:21

how do i handle the fact that a teacher at child's school hinted to me that my exh was registered on fbuddy. I checked his profile and it is shocking ( to me, at least) ..he is after threesomes and one night stands......and is so different to the man I thought I loved and married ( for 20 years) i believe he is regularly seeing someone from this site currently. we have two children 8 and 11 ....it is a couple of years since he decided to leave. he has not told the children about his relationship. when he left he had been looking for escorts on line. he sees the children every other week with no contact apart from that. I know he can do what he likes but I'm scared children may find out and aslo I'm fed up of lying to them and pretending their dad is something he's not.

quietlysuggests Sun 14-Dec-14 07:40:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeeLatteplease Sun 14-Dec-14 07:43:40

Why on earth does your ex-h's sex life have anything to do with your kids (assuming he conducts it away from them. If not they will know exactly what there dad is like anyway) Why would you be discussing it with them?

In your situation I would be telling the teacher it really wasn't anything to do with me anymore.

Nightoff Sun 14-Dec-14 07:44:10

You really can't stop him from doing this. It's his life since you say he is your ex. And how do you imagine your DC's going to find out about this? The teacher is not likely to tell them and, however wild the gossip at the school, neither is a parent.

MarysDressSways1 Sun 14-Dec-14 07:46:07

I wouldn't imagine this would effect the children in any way so I wouldn't worry. If he is now single he is allowed to sleep with people on a casual basis.

How and why the teacher knew and thought it would be a good idea to tell you is another issue though! What business is it of theirs??

43percentburnt Sun 14-Dec-14 07:50:14

How is the teacher aware of him being on the site?

Quietly has the correct response to give to the teacher.

Your ex is an adult, and the activities are legal. I would probably mention it to him, depending on what he is like. He may not realise his profile can be read by all. If he is an arse I would just say adults at the school have been talking (laughing) about his profile and you would hate for the children to be shown it by one of their friends. (This could happen at secondary school). I guess his response may be him being mortified that he may cause his kids such embarrassment in which case he will remove it.

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 07:50:27

You need to disengage from this emotionally.

I agree with quietly, it's nothing to do with you. Why did the teacher hint it to you? I think that's rather inappropriate, to be honest. I wouldn't tell a parent something like that!

And as for telling the children about his 'relationship' and worrying about him lying to the children...

I have a fwb. I haven't told my children either - well they know him and that he is my friend, they just don't know about the 'benefits'. Why would they need to know? Am I also pretending I'm something I'm not?

This isn't about you really thinking what he is doing is a risk to the children in some way, it's about you feeling angry and hurt that he is having sex with someone else and in a manner that is detrimental to the memory you have of him. You are seeing his sexual behaviour now as a moral reflection of him as a person/parent and his competency in that area. And it isn't.

Lweji Sun 14-Dec-14 07:53:08

Several points on this.

It is the man you married - he had been looking for escorts when he left.
He's your ex - none of your business
It's not likely the children will find out
How on earth has the teacher find him out? - Is she/he not concerned the children find out about her/his behaviour????

Are you advertising for that site?

43percentburnt Sun 14-Dec-14 07:53:48

I have just read other posts. I do think the children could see the profile, I can believe teenagers would search sex sites to find people they know. It may not be until they are older but if he forgets to remove his picture he may still be on the site.

Lweji Sun 14-Dec-14 07:55:25

If teenagers search sex sites they will probably find out worse than that their SINGLE dad is there.
It's entirely his problem.

shelfontheelf Sun 14-Dec-14 08:03:01

What's the teacher searching for to know that he's on there in the first place?

bathshebaeverbusy Sun 14-Dec-14 08:29:56

he has told the children he has no intention of getting a girlfriend which is obviously not true. Various people have spotted him about town with girls and it has been mentioned to me in front of my children. and my son has actually found messages from two girls on his dad's computer.
I am fed up of pretending that he is not the scumbag he really is.
the teacher mentioned it as there are a group of school fathers who are all registered on that site - and her husband was one of them. My break up was intensely upsetting and i did not see it coming at all and he has sought to hurt me and cause problems the whole way throughout my divorce and beyond.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 14-Dec-14 08:43:37

Leave him to it - it really isn't any of your business any more.

Lweji Sun 14-Dec-14 08:48:58

Why are you covering up for him, anyway?
If the children ask anything, tell them to ask him. His problem.

I understand you're hurt about him being a twat, but you have to distance yourself. And that goes in relation to the teacher and your children too. He is not your problem anymore.

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 09:02:28

I have no intention of having a boyfriend. But I can still be seen out and about with men and I still have a fwb. But I don't have a boyfriend. I'm an adult. It's allowed.

He might be a scumbag and he might be doing things you disapprove of, but he's just some bloke now. He's not your husband anymore.

BlackDaisies Sun 14-Dec-14 10:20:32

The bottom line is whether you think your children are at risk in any way from his behaviour? If he conducts his sordid life entirely away from them then he can argue that it's no-one's business but his own. However, if the children are likely to stumble across anything inappropriate (behaviour/people/ messages/ online behaviour) then you'll want to protect them from that. Given that your ds has seen messages from a couple of women, you probably need to seek further advice on ensuring that time with their dad is ok. What were the messages like? If they were sexually explicit that would give cause for concern. If not, then you may just need to monitor things. Do seek advice though, maybe from school in the first instance?

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe Sun 14-Dec-14 10:30:58

I would guess the teacher in question was unprofessional enough to broach this with you because she is in some turmoil about her own husband being registered on the site.

2 separate issues here

The teacher telling you - this is either unprofessionalism or she has a specific reason for telling you that is related to a child protection issue. Ask here which it is and if it is a child protection issue, could she specify what that issue is

XH being a nob. I disagree with people who say that it's none of your business it doesn't affect you etc., because he isn't just a random bloke, he's the father of your children, their role model and involved in their life so via them his behaviour does affect you as it affects them. However, it's not illegal and as long as there's no child protection issue, for the moment I wouldn't worry about it. What I would worry about is if he introduced your children to a string of girlfriends whom he presented as partners (as opposed to just friends) and messed with their heads. But if he has no intention of doing that, I don't think his sexual activities should affect them.

forumdonkey Sun 14-Dec-14 10:34:52

He probably has no intention of having a GF that why he is registered on that site. For the sake of my children for the first 5 years of my divorce I never had a boyfriend, but I was still seeing men and having relationships with them but they were very casual and not traditional 'boyfriend' so the DC's were never involved with them, in fact they never knew of their existence.

This man is your ex and entitled to live his life how he chooses and its not your business. The up side hes not introducing a string of different women to your DC's or they are not spending their time with their DF and a new GF they get him to themselves.

magpieginglebells Sun 14-Dec-14 10:36:41

That's shocking that a teacher would even mention this! He's your ex. Unless you think the kids are in any danger you should leave it.

MellowAutumn Sun 14-Dec-14 10:40:41

GET YOUR OWN LIFE - IGNORE HIS - your children will find their own

MunningCockery Sun 14-Dec-14 10:48:29

If he is an arse I would just say adults at the school have been talking (laughing) about his profile and you would hate for the children to be shown it by one of their friends.

I would do THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I'm another who disagrees with those who say it is none of your business (although I can guess you'd rather not have known in the first place, but reality is that you DO know now) as this does have the potential to - as a minimum - really embarrass your DCs; hence agreeing with PP who suggested the pithy sentance above.

Lastly, I can imagine it's reignited some really painful memories for you so I think those who are spouting this has jack to do with you, shouldn't affect you, etc etc are talking out of their backsides (OR haven't been through a painful break-up that stemmed from betrayal).

forumdonkey Sun 14-Dec-14 10:56:59

I'd me more concerned that a teacher appears to be policing this site and disclosing to people of the parents who are on there!!

OP should you ever use OLD watch out for teacher passing a moral judgement on that and passing on that to other parents.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 14-Dec-14 11:00:40

He's your ex-husband for a reason. His chosen life-style or activities, no matter how repellent, are nothing to do with you now. If your children find out, leave it to him to explain it to them.

FolkGirl Sun 14-Dec-14 11:03:52

Actually, I have been through a painful breakup following a betrayal.

The best thing to do is force yourself to disengage emotionally and not let these things bother you. Otherwise they get on with living their life and you get caught up in being affected by that life.

Cabrinha Sun 14-Dec-14 12:15:09

I totally understand where you are coming from.
My XH also used prostitutes, and he's also on that particular website.
I am confused at the idea that one day in her teens my daughter will find him, or be teased by her mates after they find him. We live in a village, his photo is on there.
I am angry that he can't be discreet enough to not use a photo - plenty don't. Just use a cock shot like anyone else!

I understand those saying it's not of your business, he's single, get your own life.

BUT.

I also know what it's like to be a mother and not want your child to find out (or be teased) for their father being a grubby* shit.

*FWB sex does not make you a grubby shit. But my ex is one, as is OP's, so it is emotionally hard to separate the behaviour. The issue really is the disregard for his children finding out. All very well for children to accept that their parents have a sex life, but personally I don't want to explain rimming to my 13yo.

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