Confused about kiss with boss

[Passpartout30]

Long-time lurker, first time poster. Am expecting a total pasting, and deserve it. I am confused and need some sense knocked into me.

I am married. Happily albeit zero sex life. No children. I work for a man (married, no kids) whom I respect a lot and am attracted to - because he is good at his job, is passionate and powerful, and I have raging daddy issues.

Recently we were the last two left after a work dinner. My memory is poor but I know that when we were talking I was tearful at some stage. He moved around to my side of the table and was comforting me. We then kissed (I can't remember who initiated it). We left the restaurant after this and I think I said I wanted to go back to his hotel room. I didn't (think he said no, probably horrified). Stupid stupid stupid. I rang my husband immediately and told him - he was fine about it, it's so crazy he was not annoyed and put it down to a drunken thing.

Why do I feel confused about this? We spoke the following day when in the office and things are fine - though he clearly doesn't want to talk about it so there is no opportunity to find out exactly what was said and done.

I know I am lucky to have got out of this unscathed professionally. But I feel like I want more. I am pathetic and predictable. How do I stop myself from courting drama and disaster to fill my life?

Tell me off. I deserve it.

[JoyceDivision]

Here's your get out of shit jail card

It was Christmas

and you 'fessed up

Maybe next time get your coat and leave when others do and stay away from the boss and booze

[NoelleHawthorne]

hmm. wasnt the best thing work wise, was it

[NoelleHawthorne]

the bit when you started getting upset about stuff - that was when you should have thought twice

[AuntieStella]

There's a lot you say you can't remember.

How much had you drunk? Or are you just deciding not to face up to what you did? If the first, then you need to think about your consumption levels and stay within the 'in total control' level at all work events. If the latter, then you may as well leave your DH now as if you don't really own your choices, you're unlikely to learn from the experience.

inviting people to tell you off won't help. You're an adult. It's up to you and you alone to decide what you will do next.

[tigermoll]

OK, you made a drunken mistake, had a christmas snog and fessed up. Boss wants to forget, husband forgives, end of story.

Or is it? If you want, you can just shove this down the memory hole and trundle along as before. But I get the feeling you don't want it to go away - perhaps you were hoping that by telling your DH, you would force some kind of discussion about your marriage? Maybe said discussion is long overdue - are you REALLY 'happily married' or is the 'zero sex life' something that actually hurts/bothers you?

[tigermoll]

PS I'm not going to tell you off. You sound unhappy rather than 'pathetic and predictable'.

[dorasee]

I feel sad for you that you're in a sexless, childless marriage. This does work for some people, I suppose. But my guess is, it doesn't work for you.
Maybe the kiss with your boss has produced- not so much longings for him- but longing for something more than what you have now in your marriage. Maybe this is your lightbulb 'a-ha' moment. It's not really about the boss. It's about you having real physical needs and desires that deserve fulfilling.
I wouldn't hone in on this memory. But I would hone in on what you're missing and see if you can bring it back into your current marriage... or maybe not. But it's a soul-searching moment. You have to choose whether you're happy with the status quo.

[Passpartout30]

Thank you for all your responses. I do think I have an issue with my drinking though I don't pretend that makes me unaccountable for the things I do. I seem to actively court bad decisions and drama. I think I must be looking for that confrontation with my husband. I don't know why. But more than anything, I want affection and praise from the people in my life - boss included. I make bad choices to get that.

[Passpartout30]

Dorasee, your response really has me thinking. Thank you - this is why I posted. To be honest, this isn't the first time I have wanted something from the men I work with (have only imagined and looked from afar, nothing inappropriate or kissing until now). I don't want them really, just something.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op was this a shot across the bough with your husband ? Are you trying to provoke him into some sort of reaction ? How do you really feel about the fact he was ok with this ? I would be very upset if my Dh did this and I'd consider it a serious betrayal.

Is the lack of sex a medical issue ?

[Passpartout30]

Not a medical issue but I don't achieve orgasm (never have, with any partner). So I can take or leave sex now but so desperately want to get to a place where I have a fulfilling sex life with my husband. For me the alluring thing is the thrill of the chase in a new relationship (which I do understand that this is not going to be). And making someone desire me.

[tigermoll]

You don't have to answer this on a public forum, but have you ever had an orgasm, or is it only in partnered sex that you struggle - by which I mean, can you get yourself off? If not, don't expect a partner to be able to do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

If you genuinely want a sex life with your husband, can you talk to him about it in an open, non-accusatory way?

[Passpartout30]

I can but only in a very specific way that is hard to recreate. Also I am too embarrassed to show my husband how I do it. It really is so amazingly clear what the issues are and the fact that they lay at my doorstep when I think about it. I have intimacy issues. Not sure why but I'd like to figure it out before kissing another guy in his 60's

[tigermoll]

As far as your sex life goes, that's actually reasonably common - people learn to get themselves off when they are young in a way that is hard/impossible to replicate in partnered sex. Because they've essentially 'trained' themselves to only respond to one sort of stimulation, they end up having unsatisfactory sex lives when there's anyone else involved. They then feel too embarrassed to show a partner what they like/need because they think they 'ought' to just get off from PIV (which three quarters of women can't/don't) or hope that their partner will somehow be able to fix them.

It's not a question of 'intimacy' or finding the right partner who will magically show you how to get off in a 'normal' way - you need to a) go cold turkey with the old method and b) retrain yourself to respond to other stimulus ie: your own hand/toys. There are books and web pages on the subject (I don't mean porn, I mean guides for women to teach them how to masturbate)

Obvs that won't fix any of the other issues, but it's something you need to think about.