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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

adult son at home no job no money no prospects - making me ill

93 replies

bevy2603 · 13/12/2014 21:05

its Saturday night 8pm and i have just had an argument with my DH! He has just found out that I have quietly given our 24 year old son £30 so that he can go out for a beer to the local pub with friends! Quietly because he would have disapproved and made it difficult! He is my son first born from first marriage, unfortunately he has been pretty much unemployed for the last 18months. He more or less spends 20 hours a day in his room barely talks to us and tells me he feels depressed! I naturally worry about him and try to help where I can and when asked on the rare occasions! He tells me he applies every day for work and has tried several temp jobs. He is an amazing cook but not qualified and a recent kitchen spell ended when he was diagnosed with sciatica! My husband says he is lazy and all the while I am giving money he doesn't need to find a job! Dan didn't ask me tonight for money I offered because I couldn't bear to see him in alone again for another weekend!

Am I really doing more harm than good? I probably give him some money may be twice a month never any more than £30! Sometimes I don't offer at all and he very rarely asks me - he always looks embarrassed when he takes it!

Thank you

OP posts:

Report

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2014 21:09

Can you get him to see the GP if he is depressed?

Has he any idea what he wants to do with his life? Is he claiming unemployment or does he have absolutely no money of his own?

He cannot continue to live for free in your house without making some move to help himself.

pinkyredrose · 13/12/2014 21:09

Blimey! Sounds like he's got depression and low self esteem. What money does he have, job seekers etc? Has he ever had a job?

He obviously needs to get out of the house but the depression needs tackling first. Will he go to the GP or could you take him?

Fairylea · 13/12/2014 21:10

Is he claiming jsa or other benefits? I can understand you feel you want to help as he is your son and you're worried about him but it's important not to enable him to become dependent on you. At 24 he needs to take some action for himself. You say he's a good cook, has he actively rung round all the bars and restaurants he can asking for work? Printed off his cv and sent it out to everywhere he can? Considered doing a catering course at college?

If he is genuinely depressed and has health issues he needs to get to the gp to get some help and treatment for those issues.

Perhaps your dp feels like he isn't doing enough to help himself?

Vivacia · 13/12/2014 21:24

Giving him £30 to spend on a depressant doesn't sound like a great idea.

Kundry · 13/12/2014 21:34

He isn't too depressed to go out with friends.

If he is depressed then he should be seeing his GP, engaging with services and you should be pushing him to do so.

At the moment it seems he can live cheerfully on the bank of mum and so whether or not he is depressed is largely irrelevant, he has no reason to change the status quo.

Your DH is right - if your son is depressed giving him £30 for beer is not the way to help him, if he isn't depressed it is enabling him to sit on his arse.

bevy2603 · 13/12/2014 22:00

He rarely leaves his room or sees friends so on the rare occasion I give him a hand out - he doesn't ask and he didn't tonight! He feels down/depressed because he has no future or so it seems! He tells me he applies everyday for work and sends his cv (I use to kind of check to make sure) he's had a couple of temp assignments but sciatica makes it difficult standing all day (he has a hospital appt to see a specialist in Feb). He isn't entitled to benefits because he didn't earn enough in the tax year - he had jsa up to Sept but they stopped it due to tax credits? Before the last 18months everything was going smoothly working and good health.

OP posts:

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 13/12/2014 22:04

He needs to see a benefits advisor.

simontowers2 · 13/12/2014 22:05

Cant believe people whining about giving poor lad a few quid to go have a beer with his mates on a sat night. The level of sanctimony on mumsnet never ceases to amaze.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2014 22:07

Well, I'm a right hard bitch but I would have given him a few quid to go out for a few beers < shrug >

HowDoesThatWork · 13/12/2014 22:08

He is 24. That is young and there is plenty he can do to improve his situation. Education, training, volunteering - anything, just not nothing!

It is unlikely to happen in his bedroom.

HansieLove · 13/12/2014 22:13

Feb is a long time away to get help for his back. You or he could look online for help. Exercises, walking? There is a back pain thread here on MN.

bevy2603 · 13/12/2014 22:18

He has received 4 physio appts and a tens machine and he has certain leg raising exercises to do - I agree Feb is too far.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 13/12/2014 22:22

Got a 23year old upstairs right now. Wish he WOULD go out for a beer. He has no friends and no social life and no job.

Whole other thread.

OP you did right giving him beer money to go out.

DixieNormas · 13/12/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happyandsingle · 13/12/2014 22:41

I would of done the same thing. Your dp seems very unsympathetic.

sanfairyanne · 13/12/2014 22:43

is there no income support for young people now?

as a one off, fine, but i strongly caution against this long term. once he is on benefits, ask for a contribution. it is better for his self esteem and independence long term

usualsuspectsparkly3 · 13/12/2014 22:46

Oh and I would have given him a few quid to go out too.

sanfairyanne · 13/12/2014 22:47

sorry, income based jsa i meant

tarkawithaparka · 13/12/2014 22:49

I would've given him some beer money too.

ovaltine · 13/12/2014 22:53

You need to get him out his room during the week too. No wonder he feels shit poor boy. My mum used to give me money to go out with even when I was working :)

LadyMaryofDownton · 13/12/2014 23:01

A lot of people are in the same position, especially that age group. It's extremely difficult to find a decent job with prospects, where you are respected & paid a proper wage.

My younger brother 26 is in the same position, still living with my parents & completely financially dependant on them. Again he has low self esteem & probably has depression (which makes everything more difficult).

In the mean time do what others have said & support him in all aspects. Eventually he will find his way. You are his mother & a mother will & should do everything & anything for their children no matter what age they are so please ignore the people who say otherwise.

bevy2603 · 13/12/2014 23:09

I can't keep giving him money but just sometimes I ache seeing him like this - he is a good son never been any trouble! On Monday I will tell/ask him to go to the job centre and double check the info on benefits! He has two younger brothers who have managed to stay on track with jobs and uni. Both me and dh are out all day at work and we come home to home made dinners every night (and he washes up) - he loves to cook and this gets him out of his room!

OP posts:

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Fairylea · 13/12/2014 23:16

If he can't work due to bad health he should be able to claim benefits on that basis. He needs to speak to the job centre and the gp. They can't just give him nothing to live on at all.

DayLillie · 13/12/2014 23:20

I have one in the bedroom too. Would gladly give him £30 to go out with friends (if he had any!).

Dinners are a positive.

Have a look for free courses. MIND do a getting into work course (Get Ready, Step Forward) which would get him out of the house once a week.

3littlefrogs · 13/12/2014 23:23

I feel sorry for your DS.
He is lonely, depressed and worried about his future.
Perhaps he stays in his room because he doesn't feel comfortable in his own home and knows your DH resents him.
It is really tough for young people ATM. Jobs are very hard to come by and pay, even if he does get a job, is not great.

The fact that he is contributing by cooking meals for you and your DH is a positive thing.

It sounds as if he is doing his best.

Sciatica is extremely painful and debilitating.

Has he considered registering with an employment agency?

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