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not expecting too much sympathy

(175 Posts)
moviebuffer Sat 13-Dec-14 10:56:24

hi - im really not expecting too much sympathy but im feeling desperately sad and lonely and i do need to speak about this.
im having an affair with a married colleague - he has 3 kids. i am also married to a wonderful man with no kids.
we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him and im constantly watching to make sure he isnt flirting with anyone else or talking too much to the other women in the workplace. i know what many people will say - that im a slut and a home wrecker but im so in love with this man and he knows it. i dont know what to do.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh Sat 13-Dec-14 10:57:25

End your marriage, get some counselling, see friends, get a hobby.

pictish Sat 13-Dec-14 10:59:15

What about the 'wonderful man' you're married to?

magpieginglebells Sat 13-Dec-14 11:00:44

Firstly, leave your wonderful husband so he has the chance of finding someone who appreciates him. Also so he can have an std check.

dirtybadger Sat 13-Dec-14 11:01:57

What Ehric said. End the marriage and walk away from this guy. You'll get over the guilt with some counselling. Look for a new job by the sounds of it, too.

stollenqueen Sat 13-Dec-14 11:01:58

I do feel sympathy for you. I have a word of warning. This could go on for years unless you change things now. In that time, you will not know any peace and although there will be fantastic highs, there will be lows as you know now. You know it's wrong. The only thing you can do is end the affair now. Keep busy. Delete his number, keep away. It will be horrible, just like an addiction, but if you want to live an honest and authentic life again, you need to do it. I suspect this is not the person you thought you were. Only you will know what to do about your marriage, but you can't make any decisions about that until you end the affair. If it's real as opposed to an unhealthy addiction, time will out.

Catzeyess Sat 13-Dec-14 11:02:53

You cannot keep on as you are. The sadness and loneliness will only get worse. It will be difficult but you really need to tell your husband. And you really need to break it off with the married man. I know you love him, but it is not a sustainable relationship and ultimately in its current state will probably destroy your self esteem.

There is no good ending to this senario - and it will probably feel worse before it gets better. But it will get better! You will survive and it will be ok. I would definitely recommend seeing a counsellor to talk through everything as it will probably be very painful.

moviebuffer Sat 13-Dec-14 11:05:17

thank you stollenqueen - i love my husband very much and i hhave never even looked at another man before and i always considered myself an authentic person - i just could not resist this guy and he pursued me and i let him in - totally my fault and now i feel so bad, not just for my husband but for his family too. im really not a bad person.

stollenqueen Sat 13-Dec-14 11:10:16

I'm sure I will get flamed for this but I do think it's possible to love someone and yet get your head turned by someone else. BUT, a big but, you know you need to end this. And deal with the pain involved. Maybe then you can decide what to do about your marriage. Catseyess suggested a counsellor, which may well help you deal with the guilt, and find out what prompted you to get involved in the first place. Good luck. I do hope you can sort this out.

DameEdnasBridesmaid Sat 13-Dec-14 11:15:19

Moviebuffer, if he is having an affair with you he is not the man you think he is. Don't put yourself through this any longer.

Take this from one who knows.

Meerka Sat 13-Dec-14 11:18:44

If you put the thought of your husband and his wife on one side, it would almost certainly not work anyway because the intensity of your feelings seem mismatched. You are besotted; he is almost certainly not.

Dealing with this kind of intense feeling is very hard. The best way to let the feelings die down is to take drastic action: to look for another job. Sorry, not an easy answer. Most of the classic advice you probably know, to find a hobby, to concentrate more on going out with your family, to pick up a sport - anything to keep your mind and attention elsewhere and hopefully eventually something will genuinely engage your interest.

Putting the thought of your husband and his wife back into the picture -

were you this man's first affair? Or have you been one of several?

Do your colleagues realise? if you're watching him like that, they may well.

What you're doing is deeply unfair to your husband and also to his wife, but you know that. I think you know what is the wisest to do, aye? how you do that, well, it will be very hard. But you may have to cauterize your heart of this man.

bigjimsdiamondmine Sat 13-Dec-14 11:23:15

I do feel for you, this could've been me at one point but it never got physical. you know you need to tell your husband first, do it now, don't wait, the longer the worse just sit him down and tell him today so that together you can decide where to go from here. Trust me, you need to let him have some control and say in his own life again, it's not fair to let him keep living a lie. Its your responsibility to be honest with him. but I think you should tell om that you are going to be honest, and leave it up to him to either tell his wife, or not, don't get involved there. Hopefully he will do the right thing too. Only time and honesty will tell if you do love this man, or its just excitement and list masquerading as love. whatever happens I hope it works out for you, you have the right to be happy, but so does everyone else involved.

CheeseBuster Sat 13-Dec-14 11:23:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WannaBe Sat 13-Dec-14 11:30:09

sometimes good people do bad things. What separates one from the other is recognising that what you are doing is wrong and taking steps to put it right.

It is possible to fall in love with someone else but it is not possible to build that love on a backdrop of lies and deception and hurt with a successful outcome at the end.

Picture your life in two/three years time. Your husband has left you, you are seeing your children only 50% of the time. Your mutual friends have all taken your husband's side and you are now friendless, your inlaws no longer speak to you, and even your own family think that what you have done is wrong and despicable.

If you are still with the om and he has left his wife for you you will both be in the same scenario together but worse still you will be building your new relationship on mistrust and the knowledge that you are both capable of lying and deceiving the other. After all, while you were both deceiving your partners you will also have been deceiving each other, about when you were having sex with your partners, what kinds of relationships you were really both in, etc, and every time one of you gets a text, or a call, or goes out you will wonder....

And if you haven't ended up with your om and are lucky enough to be with someone else the guilt will still be there. You will look at the honest relationship you potentially have and you will look back to what you have done to others.

Is this where you want your life to be? no good can come of this. none. There is no happy ever after from an affair. Sometimes people do fall in love with other people, sometimes marriages end, and sometimes affairs happen. But if you love your husband then you need to end this affair because it is the road to destruction.

If there are issues within your marriage then you need to explore those so you don't feel compelled to go down the road of an affair again. But meanwhile you need to cut contact with the om. Change jobs if you have to. and never see or speak to him again.

moviebuffer Sat 13-Dec-14 11:35:12

thank you for all of the advice and comments guys i really do appreciate it (even the negative ones). i dont recognise myself these days i really dont. i do know its wrong and i am now jealous and watchful over someone who isnt even my husband. i havent taken anything lightly but i really do recognise that it cant go on like this.

Joysmum Sat 13-Dec-14 11:35:13

As somebody said unthread. Good people do bad things. The only thing that separates them from the bad people is how they behave after that.

Your husband deserves better. Keep putting yourself first and I'm afraid you're into the realms of bad person and he deserves better, as do your kids, OM's wife & kids.

Cantbelievethisishappening Sat 13-Dec-14 12:22:55

we started by sending flirty texts to each other and it graduated into meet-ups and then developed into a sexual relationship. unfortunately i have fallen for this guy and the guilt and trauma are killing me. i cant keep away from him

Grow up OP. Plenty of good advice up thread. Though I doubt you will take it.

Vivacia Sat 13-Dec-14 12:30:59

This sounds like a path of self-destruction.

What do you think the end game looks like?

ocelot41 Sat 13-Dec-14 12:41:08

You have to get away OP. Get another job, go nc, and try and work through why you were drawn into such a self-destructive situation in your own time, possibly with help from a counsellor because it is going to be a rocky road.Posting here shows you have the strength to do it.You can do it, making yourself choose to when your body and mind are getting daily fixes of crazy-making lust and excitement is more than I think a saint could stand. Good luck.

dirtybadger Sat 13-Dec-14 12:46:25

Are you willing to do the things suggested (look for new job, stop seeing the other man, leave husband [potentially], go NC)?
How long have you been with your dh? If it's early days then I think this is a big sign things aren't as they should be. If longer, perhaps you can work through it (but you'll have to be honest because you'll need to explain new job, etc- and he will possibly need STD testing).

moviebuffer Sat 13-Dec-14 12:53:39

i dont think i could ever leave my husband - i really do love him and we have been together 11 years. i dont know why i was drawn into this situation other than i was an idiot. iam now totally besotted and i have had no peace since it all started. yes i will look to getting a councillor its a good idea. i will finish it i just need to find the strength and i feel sick at the thought of it but i know its the only thing to do. i dont know what his reaction will be though.
im sorry i dont know what NC is

ocelot41 Sat 13-Dec-14 12:56:15

No contact. Totally. Nothing at all.

Cauliflowersneeze1 Sat 13-Dec-14 12:56:20

NC , no contact
Please don't throw away what you have OP

Windywenceslas Sat 13-Dec-14 12:59:47

Oh another one who this just happened to, no taking responsibility for the fact you chose to be in this position. You chose this course of action, you can choose to end it.

Remove the rose-tinted glasses and see this man for what he is. He's cheating on his wife and 3 kids, so he's a massive twunt isn't he? He's not the person you're telling yourself he is. Go no contact. Tell your DH so he can make a decision whether or not to forgive you.

I agree that people who love someone can still get their head turned, but if you really loved your husband, you wouldn't conduct an affair behind his back. If you care about him, give him the chance to find someone who loves AND respects him.

These situations rarely end well, so get out now, before you get really hurt. If you need the motivation to go NC, think about what you're doing to his wife and kids. It's disgusting and unfair. I'm betting you wouldn't like it if the shoe were on the other foot, so have some compassion and do the right thing now. You can't change what has gone before, but you can change what happens next.

Wherehasmysleepgone Sat 13-Dec-14 13:09:29

How can you love your husband and be sharing a bed with another man!? Genuine question, I really don't get it! Surely it's not real love?
I love my partner and couldn't imagine touching another man in that way!

I just don't understand why you would choose to sleep with someone else and then say but I love my husband!

Your poor wonderful husband!!!!

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